I have no bond with my daughter.

[AwfulMum22]

I have no idea what to do. It makes me feel sick to feel this way but I just have no bond with her at all. I’ve spent years in therapy about it, I’ve tried every trick going. I’ve tried forcing myself to do all of the interests that she has but it’s just not there. I had awful PND when she was born and was in an abusive relationship that I know she effected our bond but it’s been 8 years and it’s still not there.

Ive had another baby since and our bond was instant and it makes me feel so much worse.

i love her to pieces and I would die for her but I don’t like her much. I feel like I have the ick. Everything she does just irritates me. I’m very tried medication, counselling, cbt but nothing is working. What the hell do I do? I don’t want her to be sat in a therapists office in 20 years time crying about her piece of shit mother.

I don’t like my mother - I don’t think she particularly likes me, it is hard especially with the amazing mother/daughter stereotypes you are supposed to be.

OP you say above about when it was just the 2 of you and you were so close so you haven’t always felt like this? Can you pinpoint a time when these feelings began?

I remember DD1 being about 8/9 and I used to get very irritated by her. Your post has brought those memories back. Anyway, I faked things a lot of the time and those feelings then receded. We’re best of friends now. She’s 22 now.

So it hasn't always been like this?

I might be barking up completely the wrong tree, but have you considered it's PND manifesting in this horrible feeling towards your daughter?

To be honest, you sound perfectly normal in that she irritates you sometimes etc., but just really really unhappy about it. The unhappiness/depression is what's making it seem like more than it is?

This isn’t a about her it’s about you and your relationship with yourself. All the depressive aspect of your bipolar, all the aspects of yourself you don’t like or don’t acknowledge are projected onto her. Disliking her is a way of expressing self-dislike by proxy.

When my ds was born I didn't feel that bond I'd felt with dd. I was disappointed and didn't know if I loved him enough. I faked it. Always going above and beyond. I would often take his side and forgive any little trouble he got into. Hoping no-one else would see through my act!!

I don't know when it changed. I stopped thinking if others knew my secret because it wasn't there anymore. I take his side now because he's lush and the nicest little boy in the whole world!! I think I may have had pnd, but again I wouldn't have anyone know that.

I've loved reading the advice about faking on here. I've not thought about those first few years (he's 11 now) Reminded me to give him an extra squeeze at bedtime!!

Oh yes I definitely have pnd again. Thing is as I’m under perinatal care they can only help me with the baby, and I’m not entitled to have counselling with nhs until I’m signed off from the perinatal team.

I think @IrisVersicolor has a very good point, and so when you're doing this, you're actually giving yourself a reason to dislike yourself and beat yourself up (if that makes sense?)

Is it possible you are overthinking it because you have so much guilt over your PND and the situation when she was little.

What you describe sounds like a bond. You love her, she loves you. She irritates the hell out of you. Isn't that just family most of the time?

Maybe you are actually trying too hard to compensate for something she probably doesn't even remember and relaxing a bit (and forgiving yourself) rather than over thinking every interaction will serve you better

It could get better you know. I never really gelled with my firstborn of three. I loved her of course but we weren't close. Not really. Now she's 15 and in the last couple of years we're besties! Seriously tight bond with shared interests, whether it's books or tv shows. She texts me from school with the latest gossip most days and even was snap chatting selfies with her teacher on a PE walk a while back just cos I was bored. Crazy.

She's a lovely young woman and never fails to think of others, whether it's making a cuppa and offering us, or helping me get dressed when I was injured.

You just hold on. It can get so much better.

We have lots of lovely times together but then I always ruin it by getting so wound up by something so small. It happened today and I feel so shit about it.

I don't get on with my mum. It's not for lack of love we just have opposing personalities and never connected. She had some mental issues, had a psychiatrist and was never happy. I have a bond with my dad and grandma. Also my own 2 kids but I fake with 1 more - have to think to make conversation (6 year old). Hoping it will develop in time.

I wonder whether she reminds you of you and therefore brings to mind your own childhood and all your feelings about that. Nothing like being a parent to make you re-experience being a child, and sometimes that’s very hard if your childhood wasn’t great. If you think there might be anything in this, I’d read Philippa Perry’s book.

I think you should forgive yourself. You sound like me, with my eldest, not the same background but the same result, she was a difficult baby and I had PND and it really just wasn't a good set up for a bond. I have always loved her but just did not like her as a person and wouldn't want to be close to her if we weren't related. That's the way this world is, there are plenty of good people who I won't ever be friends with, because our personalities aren't a match. I saw a similar question written into an advice column, and they were told: All you can do is fake it, showing as much kindness as you can. In the end, it doesn't actually matter what you're thinking, as long as she feels like you love her, and you care. And you do care, that much is really clear.

I feel you op, I have a 7 year old dd and every little thing she does makes me want to explode. The way she shuffles her hand down the banister, the way she fake laughs when shes trying to be funny, the way she messes about when asked to put her shoes on, thr list goes on. And I too have noticed my behaviour and my reactions to her, ive noticed how much i dislike this current stage of development shes going through. But, like you, ive also realised how damaging i can/will be to her if i allow myself to continue.

Ive tried to get into better habits of saying i love you at bed time, saying things about her when she can hear (we all love hearing secretly what someone thinks of us) to her dad, for example when shes in the next room telling him how impressed i was with her reading today, the smile when i walk back in is always huge, not the same when i say it to her? Not sure why but hey ho. When she starts doing 7 year old annoying humming or mumbling or fidgiting i leave the room.

Its not easy op, and im hoping for both out sakes we find a fix.

OP - firstly please change your username. You are NOT an awfulmum.

Maybe you could call yourself 'goodenoughmum', or 'ImTryingMyBest' or something a bit more positive.

You are with yourself 24 hours a day so you need to start being nicer to yourself OP.

We have lots of lovely times together but then I always ruin it by getting so wound up by something so small.

OP, can you describe an example of the above?

The bond is there, it may not have been tested so you might not recognise it, but it is there.

IF you want a different relationship with your eldest child you must decide to treat her as a priority.

When you spend time with her change your attitude and don't make her feel you are forcing yourself to do everything that interests her. It may be because you were in an abusive relationship she never got to see those things that interest you.

By opening your heart to your eldest child she will feel how much you care about her, that you like your eldest child.

Tune in to her when you are together, no distractions, no technology, nothing that might tempt you to become irritated.

Allow her to feel your respect of her and of her space.

Model the behavior you want to see if you want a healthy relationship with your eldest child.

the very best to you

OP I have been there.

Terrible undiagnosed PND with DD. I used to look at her and she didn’t feel like she was mine. When she was a bit older I got easily irritated by her. When DS came along it was an instant and very intense bond as well, which trebled my guilt over DD.

Its a cliche but I found that time helped. Further away from those feelings of depression and into a place where I can see it wasn’t DD’s fault but it also wasn’t my fault I felt that way. I started to go easy on myself, and when I would get snappy with her I’d remind myself this is a hangover of the PND. I made a point of always looking out for the good qualities in her - the way she loves her brother, her sense of humour, how kind she is etc. I reminded myself to always look for it.

Shes 9 now and things aren’t 100% perfect but they’re getting better all the time. We do lots of stuff just the two of us and I enjoy it. I tell her she must call me out if she thinks I’m not being the mum she deserves. Sometimes she does and I realise I am being unreasonable and I apologise and say I appreciate her telling me when I balls up.

I also have to be aware that I don’t seem to be favouring her brother.

One thing I do feel bad about is that she’s a bit of a cold fish sometimes. Doesn’t express affection much, doesn’t especially form very close bonds to people. I do think it’s because of my PND and the distance I built between us as a result. But you can’t win them all and she is still kind and a very good and tolerant sister, and she’s a happy child and confident in who she is. Can’t ask for much more than that.

Probably because 9yos can be annoying compared to babies, who don't talk or do anything much. It'll pass when your little boy becomes equally irritating. 😉

@AwfulMum22 do you mind my asking if the abuse started when you were pregnant with your DD?

I wish I knew my Mother 😢

I think you're overthinking it.

You love your daughter.

It's not a romantic relationship - so what more do you think is normal?

OP this sounds really hard. I struggle somewhat with my older daughter - also to do with trauma -but not as much as you, by the sound of it, and still the guilt is crushing sometimes.

EMDR has been mentioned, I think that is worth exploring. And be patient with yourself. You can't force yourself to feel anything, but you can try to be calm and focused around her.

For what it's worth as a comparison, I've ended up feeling similar towards my mum too - I love her desperately but boy does she get on my nerves with her neediness and self-delusions.

It's a trial being around her, a test of patience, self-control and generosity of spirit, and I regularly fail and snap at her. Many other times I want to snap and don't.

When I snap, I apologise. I also apologise to my children if the snappiness spills over to them. I do think that helps, you don't have to pretend to your daughter that you're perfect. All the best.

Your feelings are what they are
accept you don’t like her, it is what it is.
then what are you going to do though to still be a good parent because you love her

so seeming interested, spending time with her etc. What would an ideal parent do (not feel) and do that

with any luck not stressing about how or why you don’t like her will help you get over it, and if not at least you know you’re doing all you are capable of doing to be a good mum.

also think about the positives instead of the negatives. Each day think about something she’s done that you loved or a moment when you felt love for her.
you could eventually spend 5 mins thinking about all the nice things she did that day etc. Other Days you may struggle!

emdr would be great for you