I have no bond with my daughter.

[AwfulMum22]

I have no idea what to do. It makes me feel sick to feel this way but I just have no bond with her at all. I’ve spent years in therapy about it, I’ve tried every trick going. I’ve tried forcing myself to do all of the interests that she has but it’s just not there. I had awful PND when she was born and was in an abusive relationship that I know she effected our bond but it’s been 8 years and it’s still not there.

Ive had another baby since and our bond was instant and it makes me feel so much worse.

i love her to pieces and I would die for her but I don’t like her much. I feel like I have the ick. Everything she does just irritates me. I’m very tried medication, counselling, cbt but nothing is working. What the hell do I do? I don’t want her to be sat in a therapists office in 20 years time crying about her piece of shit mother.

When I wrote this post I was in the middle of crippling PND. I’m not anymore so have a much different perspective.

I'm glad to hear that you've found your way out of your PND. OP, maybe you're giving this too much thought. You love your DD, she's happy, has a good life etc. Are you maybe just overthinking this 'bond'?

Thank you @AwfulMum22 for replying , I keep reading your posts because I feel so similar to you and feel comforted in knowing it’s clearly an issue with trauma or depression, as Ive never bonded with my daughter but I know these bonds exist because I have a really strongly instant connection with my youngest, I also ruin all the nice cinema trips and days out together because she ends up annoying me or saying something annoying and I end up telling her off and I think why can’t I just ignore her why does she get to me so much,then I lie in bed crying about what a shit mam I am.
I’ve bought a journal to note down all the times I snap or feel annoyed to see if there’s a trigger or maybe just seeing it on paper that I’m annoyed 10 times a day will make me realise I need to be calmer and walk away , hope we both get that much longed for bond x

I’d just like to say I feel the same about my eldest child and I also have bipolar. Post is a couple of years old, hope you are well

Can really relate to this post as I'm the same with my dd who is now a teen. must say our relationship has unfortunately got worse during her teens. Like you, i Wish I could ignore her horrible attitude and behaviour but I find her really triggering and I just loose my temper with her as much as I try not to. As a result we no longer spend much time together, no more trips out anywhere, we don't do anything together really which I feel sad about. I have a very different relationship with my younger ds but they have very different personalities. I wish things were different with me and dd. I'd love the close mother&daughter relationship I've always had with my own mum but I actually don't think me and dd will ever be close.

You love her to bits, you'd die for her, you hide your irritation and actively engage with her? OP, that's enough. It really is. You can't help your feelings. You know what they are, they're the scars of the abuse and the PND you suffered, and that if those scars weren't there the feelings wouldn't be. Its not your fault.
Keep doing what you're doing. Keep working with the therapy and as long as these feelings stay in the privacy of your mind in the meantime, you won't be hurting your daughter.

Thank you for sharing , I’m still in the same place things aren’t any better, I’ve referred myself for counselling but had anti depressants before with no luck , I don’t know how to cope with it some days but aslong as she never knows how I feel I have to get through each day xx

Many relationships are due to events in your own childhood. Can you look back at things unemotionally to see if there was anything there.
Also there can be a black sheep in the family who is wrongly blamed for the issues when it lies elsewhere in the relationships.
I'm mid 70s looking back over the years there is many A Aa moments when I can see that something in my parents' behaviour or childhood affected my upbringing, their treatment of my siblings and me.

Thank you , I feel like there is so much that affects my feelings , having a traumatic birth being put under general anaesthetic and not believing she was mine when I woke up, the fact she’s Loud and confident and I’m shy and quiet and her being a lot like my brother who I’ve never got on with. these all probably combine to cloud my feelings towards her.i do love her and she began with epilepsy at 5 she is also deaf and I was devastated at the idea of losing her I still am when I think how shel manage as an adult. Both my daughter and myself are under investigation for adhd so I think maybe that will help hopefully ?