I have no bond with my daughter.

[AwfulMum22]

I have no idea what to do. It makes me feel sick to feel this way but I just have no bond with her at all. I’ve spent years in therapy about it, I’ve tried every trick going. I’ve tried forcing myself to do all of the interests that she has but it’s just not there. I had awful PND when she was born and was in an abusive relationship that I know she effected our bond but it’s been 8 years and it’s still not there.

Ive had another baby since and our bond was instant and it makes me feel so much worse.

i love her to pieces and I would die for her but I don’t like her much. I feel like I have the ick. Everything she does just irritates me. I’m very tried medication, counselling, cbt but nothing is working. What the hell do I do? I don’t want her to be sat in a therapists office in 20 years time crying about her piece of shit mother.

Everything was fine until I got pregnant so no I didn’t think having another baby would effect us. I’ve had to come off my meds for pregnancy so I know that is having a bad effect on me too but I feel like I’m just ruining her. She used to be a happy and confident girl but now she’s so anxious all the time and it’s just making everything worse between us.

@AwfulMum22

Can you go back onto your meds? It may be you are catastrophising and seeing this as 'it's always been like this' when actually things had improved a lot with your DD and now are deteriorating because you are doing without meds you need to function. I know I was being very shitty to my daughter until I got ahold of myself and got back on my meds. are your meds incompatible with breastfeeding or something? are there any alternatives you could try?

Also her anxiety may have a lot to do with the new sibling. It may be exacerbating behaviour you find annoying, causing you to push her away, causing more anxiety and worse behaviours - all actually totally normal after a new baby, but even harder when there are pre-existing MH issues (you) and trauma (both of you).

I have just read your first post and not the entire thread, but I just wanted to say that you are massively projecting on to your daughter here, has your therapist brought that into the room? You have an understandable amount of heavy baggage from the time she was born but if I were you I would try and work on how to stop putting this on your relationship with your child and work on why you are looking for something to blame. That way, you might free up something within you which may in time also allow movement in your relationship with her. This isn't about her, so don't make it, please, she is entirely blameless.

You’re clearly a lovely Mum to be worrying about your bond with your daughter.

It’s ok not to share the same interests: my eldest’s interests bore the pants off me so I listen dutifully, have learned a whole lot about things I don’t care about but we do things like have a nice drink and biscuits while we chat! Winner 😊. We’ve also worked together to find some shared interests that don’t include my youngest (who I naturally have lots in common with) and it’s lovely.

It’s completely normal to have to work a little harder at some relationships than others but that fact that you love your DD so much and she loves you will see you through. It’s also completely normal for her to irritate you. 8 year olds are notoriously irritating. This improves vastly as they get a bit older 😊.

I hope you start to feel better soon too. That will definitely help things along, but honestly, if you’re hugging her every day, telling her you love her, and treating her with kindness and affection which it sounds like you are then all is well.

Oh sorry, just read responses to the other person who suggested projection.

Thankyou for all your wonderful support. This has been mumsnet at its very best.

I guess I was hoping for a kicking to confirm my self loathing and I’m actually really pleased I didn’t get that. I’m in quite an elevated mood today so have decided to make a few changes on my life int he hopes it will improve things. I’m going to work on self acceptance and self love, putting my own oxygen mask on first before I try to help everyone else.

So Thankyou again for the lovely message and the brilliant advice. I’m certainly going to take it on board.

@AwfulMum22 I can resonate with this a lot, I think a lot comes down to genetics. I am so differnt to both my parents, none of us get on at all, it's long to explain but have sent you a PM itl be in your inbox logging in via the browser not the app. But I do understand this as have also been having very similar experiences and it has been a lot to manage. X x

Fake it til you make it, I would suggest. Pour affectionate behaviour into her at every opportunity. Praise her at least 3 times for every negative interaction. Remember the mantra “love is a verb” - if you feed her, shelter her, send her off to school with a friendly goodbye, nice lunch and clean clothes, hug her and praise her, then that’s love. And most importantly, get the support you need via therapy and medication.

Those people telling OP she needs to sort this out, she IS trying to sort it out, that's why she's posting!!
OP, I feel for you and my feeling whilst reading your posts is that this is possibly trauma-based. Either something stemming from the abusive relationship with her father or the PND following the birth maybe. Do you have trauma in your childhood? I wondered if DD might remind you of yourself at a similar age? I have struggled the most with the one of my children who is basically a clone of myself and so when she goes through something or does something it triggers the traumatic memory of something that happened to me at a similar age.
If this is the case, I wonder if seeking out a therapist who specialises in trauma could be a help.

In the meantime, all i can advise is fake it, fake it, fake it. Even if you're not feeling it in your heart, shower DD with affection & loving words rather than focusing too much on the feeling behind it.

I just found this thread, after going through the exact same thing currently, and feeling lost on what to do next..can I ask how things are now? Everything you said I unfortunately understand the feeling x

@AwfulMum22 know this is a year old + post but please tell me things got easier? I’m in the exact same boat as you I could’ve written your post myself did things get better ? Tia x

You need to forget about your own 'woe is me' feelings, and make sure that poorlittle girl never has an inkling how you feel. You must summon the energy to do that whatever it takes.

I've name changed for this.

Were you on an abusive relationship when pregnant? I ask because as a kid i always felt i didnt fit with my family (one of 5 kids), used to pretend I was adopted etc. I just never fit with my mam in the way my Siblings did.
Never felt unloved though. Mum was a very strong willed woman.

When I was in my late 30s my parents split up and DF came.and spoke to us all individually . He admitted while working away he'd had a one night stand. He had admitted it to mam and that's all he said.

I very quickly worked out it was while DM was expecting me. I think that made it really difficult for her to bond with me pre and post natal . In my job ive done loads of study about cortisol levels and the effects on mum and babies, also leads to higher risk of PND - that's not personal choice stuff that's hormonal levels affecting lives

It literally answered loads of questions for me. It wasnt cruelty, it wasn't unloved, it was her way of coping with a massive betrayal.

Finding out made me view DM differently and I was definitely more sympathetic to her, with a greater understanding why she was the way she was at times.

You can see your DD is a.wonderful girl.and the fact she knows you feel like that is amazing. X x

No things haven’t improved. We do a lot more together but my feelings towards her haven’t changed. I made some progress in therapy but then my daughter did something that really undid most of the work and I was back to square one again. Not her fault obviously, but just how my body reacted to it.

'She did something ' and she's ruined things? What would you have done if the child you love and like had done the same thing?
This is absolutely tragic and I hope this little girl, (is she about 10?) has someone looking out for her because she's going to be all kinds of messed up.

I think op would have to be a phenomenonal actress for the dd not to know her mother doesn't like her, especially if she's physically rejecting her which am assuming what she means by 'my body reacted' absolutely no acknowledgement of her fault just as said above 'woe is me'.

I should never have come back to this thread some of you are absolutely vile. This is supposed to be a supportive place to mums struggling with mental health issues.

Yet the way you describe her is loving.
Some kids are annoying. You can still love them. I annoyed my mum. When I left home we had a brilliant relationship and she was very proud.
I just got on her nerves. It's given me a thick skin. I always knew she loved me.

I hope this little girl has someone in her life providing consistent genuine love and affection.

Can you describe what your relationship looks like to others and to your daughter? You said that "it's difficult for all of us". So what is your DD experiencing from you? And how does your DH respond to it all?

And does your DD express anything that indicates that she knows how you feel about her?

Please ignore others sharp posts. It's very clear from your early posts that you have done everything you can via therapy to change this.

No she’s locked away in a cupboard and fed crackers slid under the door because no one loves her.

My daughter is happy and thriving. She has friends, she loves us and her brother, she goes to lots of clubs and activities, she’s confident and self assured. She’s an annoying 10 year old and in trying to be kinder to myself and hope that as she gets older the relationship will improve as I think it’s just this age bracket that I struggle with. I’m not keen on any of my friends kids at this age either.

I'm really glad to hear that. So can you explain what it is that's difficult for you all? I can see what's difficult for you, but this post gives the impression that she's blissfully unaware of your struggles with her.

Sorry to hear you are still going through this. It must be tough.

I haven't RTFT but it sounds like an attachment disorder. You could read Diane Poole Heller's The Power of Attachment, or you might look into changing therapist to someone trained in this area.

Good luck x