I have no bond with my daughter.

[AwfulMum22]

I have no idea what to do. It makes me feel sick to feel this way but I just have no bond with her at all. I’ve spent years in therapy about it, I’ve tried every trick going. I’ve tried forcing myself to do all of the interests that she has but it’s just not there. I had awful PND when she was born and was in an abusive relationship that I know she effected our bond but it’s been 8 years and it’s still not there.

Ive had another baby since and our bond was instant and it makes me feel so much worse.

i love her to pieces and I would die for her but I don’t like her much. I feel like I have the ick. Everything she does just irritates me. I’m very tried medication, counselling, cbt but nothing is working. What the hell do I do? I don’t want her to be sat in a therapists office in 20 years time crying about her piece of shit mother.

That is tough OP, but if you love her, she knows you love her, she loves you, and you make an effort to do things with her… I think you are doing pretty fucking well?

It may just be that you are very different people and you don’t have a whole bunch in common. That’s not a crime, neither is finding her irritating.

It’s not great for you, but it sounds like you are doing a great job as a mother. She doesn’t know what goes on in your head. I would focus on continuing to be a great mum, rather than trying to bond with her - just relax a bit and take it as it comes.

I think we are terrible at assuming parenthood is one size fits all. I didn’t know till I was too old that lots of people don’t feel a rush of love when their baby is handed to them. A male friend of mine who has 3 daughters and is a great dad, amazed me recently when he said - well because they are girls we don’t have a natural bond and I really have to work at it. Now I don’t think he’s right that that’s a general truth - lots of Dads and daughters have a powerful natural bond, but that’s how it is for him, and he just works with it, he doesn’t beat himself up. I have literally lost count of the friends who have told me they find X child irritating, or Y child difficult.

So, just focus on mothering, which you are doing really well after a tough start. A deep bond may come - or may not, but what you are doing now will give her a solid and secure start in life, and that’s what matters.

@Redqueenheart

Oh give over. The OP is worried about her bond with her child. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t do a good job mothering her daughter - it sounds like she absolutely does - and there is no reason to assume her daughter doesn’t feel loved and secure. The fact that she’s a sunny little girl indicates she does.

What the OP needs to do, first and foremost is stop giving herself such a hard time. You cannot force a bond, what you can do is love and parent your child and the OP is doing that.

Fake it till you make it

also find things you appreciate about her. Daily actively look for little things which you appreciate

@AwfulMum22 , I have two thoughts.

One is that when someone is feeling depressed, it is common to think "X is awful, it has always been awful, and it always will be awful." I'm sure you learned a bit about cognitive distortions like this in your past CBT. It's not a magical fix to recognize that this is an error in thinking, but I hope you can find some solace in the fact that statistically and realistically, MOST things do not remain eternally 100% awful. In other words, I suspect it's highly likely that your relationship with your daughter will improve.

Another thought I have and this is based off my own experiences, so I don't know if it's true for you, but might be worth considering is: Is it possible you are jealous of her? I've often found that I tend to resent people who are extremely happy and confident, because I wish I could be that happy and confident. Maybe you are a bit resentful that she is young and carefree (and beautiful, intelligent, etc -- all the adjectives you previously used to describe her), because you feel that you are NOT that. When I've been jealous of people in the past, I often focus on what they do that is irritating, wrong, etc, and that makes them increasingly annoying to me. This could be something worth exploring on your own, or in therapy. Not trying to project onto you, but it's been helpful for me personally to recognise this in the past, so I wanted to throw it out there for you :)

(Whoops I used dashes in my previous post that caused an automatic cross-out of part of a sentence. Not my intention!)

Could you be trying too hard? What made you have another child? To be honest no offence but you should of concentrated on the kid you already have.

I'm not sure what to suggest. Hope it works out for your DDs sake though.

I am in the same boat OP. I am intending to spend more one to one time with my dd. Short bursts of it though.

My mother really didn't like me very much when I was a child. She's always loved me, but she didn't like me very much. Her reasons weren't anything compared to what you've been through - her main thing was that I was fat, and she really can't stand fat people. Having people see her fat daughter was very upsetting for her, And I was a bit of a weird and awkward child; she'd really pictured a pink and princesses kind of girl and I was more about science fiction and stray animals. It jarred her.

Oddly enough, we have a decent relationship now. We aren't close, but we're solid. I've accepted her limitations as a parent and a person, and my being a fairly functional adult has made her unclench with me a fair bit. It's far from perfect, but it's not awful. It's good enough. I think what helps is that I really do know she always loved me. I absolutely do wish she could have also always LIKED me, but parents are people and people are imperfect beings.

No real suggestions here, OP, and I do think you should keep trying. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If just "good enough" is as good as it's going to get, there are worse things than that.

sometimes, the oldest child shines a light on how poor a parent we could be. The we correct the mistakes by the time number 2/3+ come around. Of course you have enough heart to love many many more, but she is the one who reflects onto you the most in maybe not doing the best job you anticipated you could have done. Give yourself a break and more importantly give her a break. Note there are many middle children who never get a break because nobody even sees them to bother.

I have a remarkably similar relationship with my mother. I’m also late 30s and haven’t shared anything deep & meaningful since I was a teenager, she has missed out on knowing me in any real way as an adult and is unaware of things such as the rounds of IVF I’ve needed.

She had a very tough upbringing and didn’t bond with me at all as a newborn, I was shipped off to my grandmother & adoption was considered. She had a lot of mental health issues throughout my child/teenager hood.

She is much, much closer to my subsequent two siblings so it’s not a lost cause at all. Please do what you can to engage with therapy & help as it sounds so tough for you.

Definitely not jealous of her. I think she must have quite a sad life really having me for a mum.

I think it could relate to YOUR childhood - some hidden thoughts/ fear is being rekindled in you. And it might be related to the age she is now and naturally resolve itself when she gets older.

Some good advice here. I agree with spending time with her and being interested in what she's saying. Above all, have patience. When you start feeling irritated, force yourself to have patience and continue listening to her.
Hug her and tell her you love her. Praise her, be kind to her. Remind yourself daily of her wonderful qualities and the fact that she's innocent in all this.
You can still be a wonderful mother to her.

Are you medicated for your PND? I went on ADs during lockdown, and one of the side effects was that I 'fell in love' with my then 6 year old DS. I had always loved him, but actually didn't even realise I hadn't bonded properly, until the medication took effect, and there it was. I had severe and unresolved PND.

To be honest no offence but you should of concentrated on the kid you already have

What an unpleasant, unhelpful and unecessary post.

But OP, you clearly do have a bond with your DD! You've said you love her, and you know she loves you. You look back fondly on happy times and adventures you've had together. You worry about her and desperately want to do your best for her. You sound like a loving, caring Mum to me! Parenting with chronic MH issues is not easy and you are being very hard on yourself. Of course you get irritated by your DD sometimes, 8 year olds are irritating and sure don't we all get irritated by the people we spend the most time with?? That's just part and parcel of family life and loving someone and being closed to them doesn't mean you're blind to their faults or that they never get on your nerves. You've said you have PND and you're under the care of the perinatal MH team. I think it's very likely that this is your PND talking, telling you you're the worst Mum ever and your DD would be better of without you, but those are just thoughts, not facts. PND colours all your experiences and makes you over-analyse all your own thoughts and feelings, which makes parenting an older child really tricky. I honestly think the best thing you could do for your DD at this point is to give yourself a break, be kinder to yourself and remind yourself that all those lovely qualities about her you listed earlier, she has those because of you!

You have PND. That can make all thoughts wonky.
Be gentle on yourself.

There’s a lot I need to do to work on myself. I honestly don’t even know how to be a person.

Can I ask what made you decide to have another baby?

Also is your current relationship abusive or positive? And does DD have any contact with her dad?

I wanted another baby.

Current relationship is great. She has no relationship with her biological dad but sees my husband as her dad.

OK so you wanted another baby. Can that be unpacked at all? Because obviously you already had this issue connecting with your DD, had suffered severe PND. Were you not worried this might happen again? Were you not concerned about the impact on your DD and future baby of a return of your PND?

I'm not saying any of this from a place of judgment btw. I've had a second baby in a less than suitable relationship after experiencing situational depression and breakdown that had to be medicated, I have since experienced PMDD and treated my eldest really badly during that period (am now medicated again). I'm not saying people with mental illness or difficult circumstances shouldn't/mustn't have children. I'm just wondering if and how you conducted your cost-benefit analysis, what you were expecting from a second child, how if at all you prepared yourself, whether you felt like your relationship with your DD had improved or if you thought a new baby would help it improve etc. Just any insight into your thoughts and feelings around this big change that might help.

Im on the other side of this! Mum and i never bonded and she also didn't like her own parents. Truth is, nobody likes her either. She gives off a "I'm trying, but I don't like you" vibe.

She loves my brother. There's definitely a bond there but my brother doesn't like her due to how she was with me.

I've had years of therapy and had to gain so much resilience.

I also had diagnosed PND but thankfully bonded with my DS.

The difference between you and my mum is that you want to spark a bond. That IS a maternal instinct kicking in, you're already on your way to fixing this.

Keep going OP. You got this x

OP, you are unwell.

You say yourself that you have bipolar disorder and PND and I don't think your thought processes right now are rational. I think you are fixating on a 'bond', when in reality you love your daughter very, very much and can't actually think of any bad things to say about her. I think you are really struggling with some distorted thinking at the moment and that this is much more about your negative feelings towards yourself than it is about your daughter.

Also... most kids are quite irritating a lot of the time. There's a reason lots of parents can't wait for school to start again after the summer holidays. Most people find their children easier in small doses. You are not unusual or a bad mum.

But was your mum trying or not? This could cause more worry if trying also makes you try hard and means nobody likes you