I have no bond with my daughter.

[AwfulMum22]

I have no idea what to do. It makes me feel sick to feel this way but I just have no bond with her at all. I’ve spent years in therapy about it, I’ve tried every trick going. I’ve tried forcing myself to do all of the interests that she has but it’s just not there. I had awful PND when she was born and was in an abusive relationship that I know she effected our bond but it’s been 8 years and it’s still not there.

Ive had another baby since and our bond was instant and it makes me feel so much worse.

i love her to pieces and I would die for her but I don’t like her much. I feel like I have the ick. Everything she does just irritates me. I’m very tried medication, counselling, cbt but nothing is working. What the hell do I do? I don’t want her to be sat in a therapists office in 20 years time crying about her piece of shit mother.

Has your therapists/psychiatrists discussed with you the fact that overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame are extremely common for people with bipolar? They have with me - I have had and still do really major issues with it but for different reasons. It's basically a predisposition/by product of the disorder. And sometimes the guilt of the problem fuels the problem more, you create a pressure cooker of it in your mind.

I think you need to focus on your narratives around this. You DO have a bond with her, you know you love her, you know she loves you. Your words are so critical of yourself and I think they keep you stuck. Part of freeing yourself will be challenging the harsh things you are telling yourself, you have plenty to offer her as a mother and you need to be able to tap into that, otherwise you are left with the barrier of not feeling like you deserve that bond.

Perhaps giving therapy another go might help? It might be worth looking for an attachment narrative practitioner.

@AwfulMum22 No I don't hate her or blame her. I kind of did as a teenager, and I put up emotional walls against her to keep her out because I didn't want to be vulnerable around her or hurt by her.

But looking at what she went through I know it wasn't her fault. But as my counsellor says, it wasn't mine either, and I missed out on having a real mother, and I'm allowed to recognise the pain I felt as a child.

It's difficult now she's older, I think she's forgotten a lot of how things were - "confirmation bias" in therapy speak - and she seems sad and a bit bewildered to not have the relationship with me that she sees others having with their daughters.

But to give her that would be me acting a part/forcing myself, because that bond never really developed when it needed to.

I then went on to not have children (by choice), which she's also upset about. Whether or not this was a result of my childhood or not I'll never know, maybe I wouldn't have wanted children anyway. It's almost like I can't comprehend the mother/daughter relationship at all. I can't get my head around what that would be like and it's always scares me. So I didn't have children.

Have you read much about neural pathways? My counsellor talks a lot about these and says my feelings now are a symptom of not developing these normally as a child. It's interesting to read about.

I also had the ick. I couldn't bare to be around her and hated her neediness (she could feel my trying to distance so would try harder to get close to me). I even told my mum to take her from me as I didn't want her (what I meant is I didn't want to feel the awful feelings her presence brought up in me). It wasnt her fault but her birth opened the Pandora's box of my own undealt with trauma and being around her dysregulated me so much that I was either fighting/trying to get away or shutting down. Counselling didn't help because I couldn't talk my way out of my trauma, I needed a different approach. Being in an abusive relationship normally has its roots in a history of some kind of trauma or abuse (although not always) so there may be stuff to deal with as well as the abusive relationship. Things can be repaired with the right help. I am much closer to my girl now and am hoping the bond gets stronger as she gets older (she is 13 now).

I am going to be harsh but you seriously need to sort yourself out...

You are projecting the fact that you had an abusive relationship and a hard time and probably not the best relationship with your parents into your kid. There is nothing she can do about that and it is unfair to blame her for these things.

Do you think this is fair on her? I don't think it is. She sounds like a great kid with no behavioural issues. Yet you seem to dislike her simply because she exists. That's a heavy burden for a child to carry.

You really need to start your trauma therapy again and not to just accept that you can continue to feel like this around her. T

his will only get worse because she will definitely pick up on the fact that your are more at ease around the new baby.

Unless you have a partner who can offer her more affection and re-balance things a bit you need to continue to try to get yourself in a healthier position.

It is probably not what you want to hear but I really think someone had to say that. Yes you are struggling but your child is your responsibility and she has the right to live in a home environment where she is not disliked or seen as a daily irritant.

What the actual fuck do you think I’m trying to do here? What a pointless post.

You’re speaking as if the OP hasn’t been, and isn’t, trying to change things. What do you expect her to do in order to ‘sort herself out’? What magic wand do you think she’s in possession of, that she wouldn’t have tried already if she actually was?

I think a lot of it is normal 8 year old behaviours. I’m not placing the blame on her at all. It’s MY reaction to the normal behaviour that’s the issue. Maybe it is just an age thing and I’m being too hard on myself. I don’t know anymore. I look back at pictures from our little adventures when I was a single mum and it was just us and we were so close. I feel like I don’t have enough heart to love 3 people and I’m stretching myself so thin trying to make everyone happy and feel wanted and I just feel like I want to die.

No deep advice. But I have an eight year old daughter too. Each day tell her you love her, give her a hug (or similar affirming physical affection) and tell her something about her that your proud of.

You can work on your issues separately, and hopefully she'll accept your words and actions.

Good for you for trying to fix this. It can be so hard dealing with the aftermath of abusive relationships/dysfunctional families. Keep showing your daughter you love her and reaffirming.

I've learned a lot about the brain recently and how it fights to keep us in homeostasis. To keep you safe it keeps you the same. Doing the same things and avoiding things. So you kind of need to retrain it to prove to it that you're safe.

Objectively you can see that she's a lovely girl, but something (your brain) is giving you the ick. It is telling you to avoid her.

Faking it until you make it is brilliant advice. You will prove to your brain that all will be ok and you won't risk being in an abusive relationship by getting close to her.

Have mum and daughter days where you do something fun together maybe a couple of times a month?

OP, this must be very distressing for you.

Do you think you're perhaps imagining this 'bond' as this magical thing that you hear about yet you don't identify with that description of it, but in reality, it is actually what you already have, that feeling of love, that you would die for her? Are you sure that it isn't already there and that what you have imagined this 'bond' to be is actually what you already have but you just don't recognise it?

I'm not sure if I've explained that very well, I know what I mean in my head!

This is excellent advice . You are good enough OP and you love your daughter. Also sometimes 8 year olds can be extremely irritating , even if you love them. You need to offer yourself some understanding and compassion. As another PP said, give her a hug everyday, tell her something good about herself that makes you proud. You got this OP ❤️.

Its never too late, relationships are developing all the time and shes only 8. You both love each other and know that, thats great . Fake it til you make it is really good advice. Just keep telling her you love her, hug her and tell her all those lovely things you said about her further up the thread.
And be kind to yourself, you love her and have bonded with her as much as you possibly can..
Good luck to you both xxxxx

She annoys you? Her habits irritate you? I genuinely think that’s life. You love her and you said that. Some people don’t really like their children. Stop beating yourself.

My husband used to do this lovely thing with our daughter when she was little (think he copied it from a movie!)... He would say "you are kind, you are important, you are.... (and repeat all the lovely things about her) ..." but he had a little script and he would repeat it every night before bed... She loved it

My mum so clearly hated me when I was a kid, she couldn’t bare me, my brother was the clear favourite. I really disliked her growing up because I just didn’t feel any love or bond and so spent most of my life with my Nan. Things shifted a bit when I got pregnant at 16 and she stepped up quite a lot and now I’m her favourite, she barely has a relationship with my brother because she’s a difficult woman and he doesn’t like it. I find her hard work and difficult but still have a relationship with her.

What I would say is that it’s absolutely imperative that you “fake it until you make it” even if you don’t feel a bond and can’t bare her, because it left me with so many mental health issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms,m. You will probably find that your bond develops later in life, but most definitely never ever let her cotton on to how you’re feeling, keep up with the therapy so you have an outlet to talk about it yourself.

You say you were close when she was younger and you were a single parent- what’s changed?

How old is your baby?

Is your second child a boy?

baby is 10 months and is a boy.

Honestly it sounds like you have PND again but negative feelings are directed at your daughter rather than new baby.

Have you tried to let yourself have the feelings you feel about your daughter and let go of the feelings as they pass. It strikes me that you are saying you have negative emotions about your child but also that you massively shame yourself for having those emotions so you don’t just let the emotions pass through you and move towards a more neutral or positive mindset about her.

You love your daughter, you do the stuff that matters to love her, that is a good thing.

But you DO have a bond OP. In fact, it's really strong! - you clearly love her, you see her as a great kid, you have memories of you and her hanging out, you want the best for her. She loves you.

That's what a bond is.

The fact you find her annoying and maybe don't 'get' her little personality at this point in time is something else. It's just a personality thing! You'll learn to click as she gets older. I have two boys. I totally 'get' one of them, he's a mini me, on my wave length. He's so easy to be around because I totally understand him. My other boy is much more like my husband. I don't really get him that much! I find him quite annoying and I have to work much harder to click with him. BUT I love them equally. Like your DD, my DS is a gorgeous and wonderful boy. I'm slowly learning to understand him and appreciate his personality. Can't wait for our relationship to keep growing. Its just harder when you are so different from someone, but learning about them and how to get along and appreciate each other is a skill and takes time. It is what demonstrates your love and it's what you are already doing OP.

Keep focussing on what makes your DD a great kid, why you love her, that you love her and stop beating yourself up! Give it time. 8yr olds can be annoying!

You could try 5 minutes of "special time" with her each night. No phones or distractions. She gets to choose what to do, and you have to do it with her. My DS used to enjoy that

Good luck. It sounds tough for you. Well done for addressing it

Have you looked into blocked care, OP?

The only other thing I'd say is that it's very hard to force a bond. Impossible, actually. So if in the back of your head you're thinking, "wemustbondwemustbond" when you're with her, it's only going to have the opposite effect.

My advice is to be ok with your feelings. They're just feelings. All feelings are valid. Sit with them. Doesn't mean you are a bad person. Aim for zero guilt or stress about lack of connection. Just relax. Spend 15 minutes a day doing whatever she wants to do with her. Just 15 minutes. When you feel stressed out annoyed by her, take a second, and then just smile. Just for 10 seconds, it will help you relax.