Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

Don't confront them, it'll have the opposite effect you want.

It's a shame it's turned out this way but at 19 it's the kind of mistake he'll have to learn from all by himself.

Alone? I wouldn't go. I'd explain to him that not so long ago he was planning on ending the relationship, and that I found that and the proposed living together they're planning, not quite adding up.

Tricky one, this.

Of course, you can't stop her from moving to the same city as him; she can work wherever she likes. And neither can you stop your son from seeing her, of course; they're adults.

But looking at your follow-up posts, there are certainly some red flags and, as you say, if this was a friend of yours rather than your son, you would certainly at least want to talk to them about it. It's pretty obvious that the girlfriend doesn't want them to break up and is aware that moving to the same city is probably the only way she's going to keep him. And yes, he's certainly going to miss out on social things and the experience of his year abroad if she is someone who doesn't like him having friends. I certainly don't think you should talk to them both - you need to talk to him on his own. But I do think you should at least have a conversation with him, as you would with any other adult, even if nothing changes as a result. I think I would ask him to imagine one of his friends was in the same position, perhaps. Because I'm sure he'd advise a friend against a relationship like this.

Is his girlfriend the same age as him? I'm wondering if she's maybe a bit older.

@Mumwithsons with respect, I’m not sure your interpretations of the responses here is quite right, from reading them it seems the more or less track the poll, could you be reading what you want to read here? Paying more attention to posts that confirm your original position? Most posts are acknowledging it’s a bit worrying or that they understand your concern here, quite a lot are also suggesting that you’re being overbearing and need to step back. His being more distant with you is confirming to me that he may well feel that way.

Unless you feel he’s at considerable risk of harm (unlikely because even if she’s clingy and controlling she’s still just a woman so it’s unlikely to escalate to stalking or violence) I think you have to butt out I’m afraid. I think it’s a bit strange to meet up with her on her own personally, it almost feels like a negotiation between too “domineering” women over who gets control of this young man, it all feels a bit too grave and serious for “man goes to another country to study, girlfriend shoe horns herself into the mix, friends and family roll eyes, man learns the hard way she’s a bit of a nightmare”. You’ve told him your thoughts, just back him up and empower him to make his own call on this, is my advice.

I really think your over-involvement in this decision could be escalating the situation, you might be pushing both of them to make this a bigger commitment than it needs to be. Just chill, and forget about your gut- it’s your gut don’t make it his problem. Be honest with yourself, what’s the worst that can happen here?

He’s not just being distant from me, but from his little brother. I spoke to two other older family members today, just to sound out whether I was being over the top. They were really concerned and urged me to not just stand by and watch, but to get from my son what he initially wanted out of this year, why he was doing it in the first place. Another said to meet with GF and be polite but not endorse. Both agreed I’d made a mistake not to book student halls. I feel worse speaking to them, sometimes I think ‘it’ll be fine, step back… ‘ but I just don’t feel it and I completely trust these two family members. They are usually on the money and they know and care about my son.

@Mumwithsons fair enough, sounds like you’ve more or less come to a decision then. What course of action now do you think will result in the best outcome for him and for you?

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

To all of those saying “he’s 19 and an adult and can make his own decisions”, brain maturation isn’t complete until you’re about 24. He’s still a teenager and definitely not mature enough to make adult decisions.

I think going with his girlfriend is definitely a mistake! I know a lot of people who did a year abroad at my uni (language course) and still consider it to be one of the best years of their life. I can’t imagine it would be if you just hang around your teen boyfriend / girlfriend and don’t immerse yourself in the friendships and the culture though.

If I were you, OP, I’d go back on the flat and insist upon halls of residence, but say nothing at all to him about the girlfriend.

If he lives in halls, she’ll have to find her own place to stay, and I’m sure he’ll still make friends.

Talking mainly, and keeping better control of the money so that it’s spent on the purpose of his year, not anything else. Which is a bit of a pain. I really wanted to be generous and give him that sense that I believed in him to go out into the world and just live his life for once, free of me or anyone. He’s still living at home!

@Lucielllle87 thanks you are right. I phoned halls this morning, absolutely no free space but am on a waiting list in case someone drops out. That was probably the number one thing I could do to help DS immerse himself in the experience. Failed!

Don’t beat yourself up though! You could only act with the information you had at the time. You didn’t do anything wrong.

I think if you can get him a halls place - fantastic! Go for it. It might help him have a great year. If he doesn’t get a place in halls right away, I’m sure he will eventually as people leave.

If you can’t get him a halls place, I’m not sure talking to them both would do any good and it may do some harm. Instead, I would let him know he can always talk to you, you’re always there for him - but be as nice as pie to the girlfriend as you don’t know how long she’ll be in both your lives for.

It's often quoted that brains aren't fully complete until 25 years but there is a lot of variability. Regardless, the fact that their brains aren't the best they're going to be doesn't mean you can treat young adults like they are children and control their relationships. If you think it is okay perhaps consider that your brain is probably on the decline and not at its peak either.

@Mumwithsons sounds like a good approach. One way of mitigating against the negative effects that you taking back a bit of control might have is to let him really lead the next conversation. Maybe you could tell him what it is you need/want ie: to feel that he’s happy, to feel assured he’s getting the most out of the year away, to feel assured the money will support his fun and independence rather than be used to keep his girlfriend happy, and then maybe ask him how he thinks he can help achieve that? Then maybe you could sound him out on what he wants and how you can help him achieve that?
He probably knows well that you’re worried, but being worried isn’t a plan or a direct request, so if you can just focus on you both getting your needs met practically it might take a bit of the emotional pressure off the situation.

Why does the GF want to meet with you?

Why does the GF want to meet with you?

I’m getting the impression that this was all supposed to be a bit of a casual relationship, particularly from what the OP has said. The girl wants to cement it into something more than what it is by moving in together and meeting the parents. OPs DS is a bit of relationship lemon, going along with it all because I guess he too much of a wet lettuce to break up with her. He thought things would just fizzle out as he’s going abroad, and she’s had other ideas and one upped him on that. Now things have gone a bit far, and dumping her has become a more effortful task than he would have liked. Men can be weird like that - easier to let her join him on his year abroad than have an awkward breakup conversation.

Two Rules for parenting adult children

1. Mouth shut
2. welcome mat out

He is only going to rebel against you if you start telling him what to do.
He is 19. Let him make his own mistakes.

Whilst I agree it spells disaster unfortunately at 19 its his disaster to make, all you can do is be there for him when he needs to.

@RoundandRound123 they are really good suggestions and advice. Many thanks! Him leading the conversation and being able to explain why I have concerns in a better way would help at least our relationship I think, whatever he ultimately decides. @BeanieTeen you have summed it up really accurately. This is a problem that he is kicking down the road, but the longer it is, the harder it will be to set his own boundaries. His past two short term girlfriends were very intense, expecting near constant contact. I kept out of it at the time, he said he was relieved when the first one broke up, but broke up with the second one and was really upset that he’d hurt her feelings. He takes things very much to heart.

Thanks for that @BeanieTeen

I also believe @BeanieTeen has nailed it.

He will pay dearly for messing up this opportunity by his dishonesty.

If the Halls come up, great, but probably unlikely.

I would be very tight with money, I would not be funding them playing house.

I have two sons in that age group and a few years older and there is no way we would have allowed this and we are not generally parents that say No.

Funding Uni is about the experience, not having it fxxked up and manipulated by casual partners of either sex.

That may be harsh but at 19 we still guide and parent our children, whilst we are continuing to fund their education.

They are most welcome to play house on their own buck.

Why does this summer romance want to meet you?
Good luck if you do.
I'd be hard pressed to hide my fury and distaste for her pushy controlling behaviour.

She has an agenda and it sounds as if there is little you can do about it at this stage.

But I wouldn't be funding it.

You might be lucky and Halls might come up as a result of a drop out.
Grab it if you can.

I would press home the point of him going in the first place and that you wouldn't have entertained it if him playing house with some girl he has just met, had been on the cards.

Plain speaking is required.
If things go tits up, which is highly likely, he will be very isolated by taking this flat.

You need to stress that he should call you and tell you the truth and you can give notice on the flat if necessary.

What an absolutely infuriating situation for you.

His behaviour absolutely demonstrates why you should ignore those people saying he's an adult and that you should back off. He's not even adult enough to tell her he doesn't want to be with her any more because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He's behaving like the immature teenager that he is.

I wouldn't meet with her alone, way too much chance for her twist the narrative on retelling.
Meet with both.
Ask why her hadn't made time for his brother, or you?
Ask how her job came about?
Ask how he thinks his year will be different now.

@Clymene what you’re saying makes a certain sense, but given that OP has described two previous intense girlfriends that he has struggled to set boundaries with, it may be a pattern. What’s more it may be a pattern not best helped by having the most important woman in his life, his mother, taking too much overt control of the situation even if it’s for his own good. It sounds like @Mumwithsons and her son have a very good relationship, and she needs
to preserve that by treating him like an adult, both in the sense of honestly voicing her own real concerns and also empowering him to choose how he might address these concerns, and vice versa. Thinking of him and or treating him like an immature teenager by being too “proactive” could compound the issue if not handled carefully.

Don’t meet with her OP.

There’s too much of a chance she’d twist what you said.

But, the biggest reason for not meeting her is that she’s trying to playyou!

I hope she doesn't get pregnant to trp him into playing happy families. Does she need a marriage or a work permit to get a UK visa? The rules have changed now we're not in the EU anymore.