Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

Yes it is a pattern @RoundandRound123 but I think it's a bit of a reach to ascribe it to the OP being an overbearing mother. If she was overbearing she wouldn't have let him sack off the halls of residence.

And I don't know about you but my teenagers are like chalk and cheese and I've parented them exactly the same. So I don't think we can lay the burden of children's personalities at their mother's door.

All she wants to do is talk to him to voice her concerns. And that's absolutely what she - and any loving parent - should do. We can steer our children once they get to a certain age, we can no longer control them. And the OP isn't trying to do that.

@Clymene I’m not attributing it all to her “overbearingness” necessarily, but I am saying even if she’s right -being too certain of that probably won’t help matters, he needs to set boundaries with women, his mother is the “safest” woman for him to do that with, so negotiation/exploration is preferable to laying down the law, which I think OP agrees with anyway.

Most people are shaped by what their parents think about them and how they treat them, it’s human nature, not just teens either there are people in their 60s and 70s still measuring themselves against parental expectations.Thinking of him as an immature teenager may well be fair and accurate, I think OP is in the right in terms of this being a bad idea, but treating him that way is not without costs in my opinion. Sometimes “giving people the right answer” doesn’t teach them to come up with the right answer next time, sometimes it teaches them to trust other people’s judgement over their own- that could be wise OP, or it could be another equally confident person who has their own agenda.

I think you are very right to be concerned OP. He is going to miss out on so much of the university experience. If their relationship is good enough to last - it should be able to survive separation. He is likely to miss out on interaction with fellow students and the necessary immersion in the culture he's supposed to be learning about.
Can't see why you are being accused of being suffocating - you just strike me as a parent who is try to encourage your son not to make a mistake that could reduce his academic experience. He's only 19 for goodness sake.

I talked with DS this evening, he seems to think it’s all fine and no big deal. He did admit that it was her idea to move. He believes that she was going there anyway, but that they’d talked and he agreed it was OK. He couldn’t tell me why he hadn’t taken the student halls, and seemed puzzled. When I asked what it was that he liked about her, he didn’t answer, looked quite sad and said could we chat again tommorow. She still wants to meet me alone and has pestered him for a time. I’ve reluctantly agreed but don’t think there is much point.

Ok. Some tough love.

You absolutely should meet her & force yourself to be nice. Wether you like it or not, she's his partner & they are both adults & (god Forbid) she could become the mother of your grandchildren.

If you refuse or kick off - you WILL lose out.
Play the game. It will infuriate And enrage but do not by your actions turn them into Romeo & Juliet - them against the world.

He will need you when it goes to shit.

he didn’t drive or instigate this, he didn’t decide to make this decision. He was happy with it ending when he left to go abroad.

@Mumwithsons Like others I really don't think so. Or he probably wouldn'tve got the flat, he'dve gone in halls (this'dve been the most likely move from a student moving from home for the first time, who's chosen to stay home this long.)

And if he really didn't want to be with the girlfriend and she really arranged to move there without him initially knowing, he wouldn'tve invited her to move in with him there.

I don’t think I would meet her, she may want to put you at ease or manipulate things to go her way.

I know exactly where you are coming from and it’s difficult to stand by and watch your child suffer when they should be happy and excited.

Fingers crossed for halls, people may start dropping our.

She still wants to meet me alone and has pestered him for a time. I’ve reluctantly agreed but don’t think there is much point.

Don’t meet with her alone. The meeting alone is just plain weird and the ‘pestering’ him for it is just rude and entitled. It’s not how ‘meeting the parents’ works. Please don’t play to this girl’s tune. I’d ignore the ‘they are adults’ comments because I’ve known 15 year olds who have a more mature relationship and just a more mature attitude in general than what these two supposedly have. This is just a joke.
If she wants to meet you then tell your DS he can do the bloody normal thing and bring her round for lunch with him also there. I wouldn’t be stooping down and embarrassing myself playing these kids games with her. Have a bit more self respect OP, you’re a grown woman. She needs to catch on and grow up.
While she’s there, ask her all about her new job and living arrangements. You might get a few more insightful answers than you did from your DS.

Some great advice from @BeanieTeen

I had a very similar situation. Like you, I thought it was a terrible idea, blamed their partner, tried to dissuade them. I learned two things.
Firstly, as a mother you have very little chance of influencing your child against the wishes of their intimate partner.
Secondly, the more you say, the less they hear. They go straight back to their partner and repeat your 'advice' then the two of them together convince themselves you're wrong.
Worst case scenario, your child decides the conflict isn't worth the hassle, so offloads one of the sources. (Hint: It isn't usually the partner!)
Oh, and a third thing, you might actually be wrong and it will work out well. As it happens, I was. So not only did I make us both miserable by fighting a lost cause, it wasn't actually one I needed to fight.
You've said your piece. If he has any doubts of his own, that may crystallise them. So don't over play your hand now. Take a step back and let him think this through.

I don't understand why you're meeting her or infantilising your DS. Relatives can be kind, well-meaning and still give wrong advice.

You think you're casting doubts on his relationship with his gf. Really what you're doing is saying you don't trust him or his judgement and tbh that's a rubbish lesson to give before he leaves.

You should be empowering him in his decision-making eg I know you'll have considered how being in a flat impacts on being involved in uni life (fwiw I think you're blowing this out of proportion - it's still possible to have an immersive experience not in halls) and I know you'll have thought about how to manage it if there are any relationship problems - you know you can always come to us for help and support (again, he is less likely to do this if you've been very vocally anti-gf).

As for meeting her - it's perfectly fine to say these last few days are fully organised because the real issue with you meeting her either alone or with your DS is you're going to show that you don't trust your DS and think he's made the wrong decision. That's just going to solidify their relationship. The only way you can meet her and it not work against you is if you meet her in a large group.

If you meet her, meet her for a coffee. Lunch is too lengthy.

She sounds determined!

Keep him on the list for student halls and hope a space comes up. I imagine they’ll have broken up within months anyway so it won’t necessarily bugger up his whole year

Absolutely don't meet her; why get involved in all this shenanigans?

Enable your ds to be independent. If he wants to end the relationship with the gf then he can do that without your interference. But the fact he didn't, suggests it's maybe not as clear cut as you want to make out.

It's not that I don't share your concerns: I'd feel the same if it was my son but you just can't try to control someone else's decisions. As a pp said, some people will still be making decisions their parents wouldn't agree with when they're in their 30s and 40s- but that doesn't mean their parents should be sticking their oar in! In fact tbh it's probably better to let him work things out for himself at 19 than keep trying to make decisions for him, which could lead to him still being passive and expecting you to step in until he's in his 30s or beyond....

You said you've already spoken to him and voiced your concerns. You said he became defensive. That's the line. You've done as much as you should without crossing the line and outright disrespecting his views. It would be crazy to meet the gf either alone or with him to keep on trying to dictate what they do.

When I asked what it was that he liked about her, he didn’t answer, looked quite sad and said could we chat again tommorow

Obviously you were there and I wasn't, but it's hard not to infer some projection going on here.

This sounds ridiculous now, meet the GF if you refuse he's going to be more drawn to her. Young adults don't like being told what to do by their parents. You are putting all the blame on this girl instead of your DS , it sounds like he does like her despite you being determined he doesn't. You need to back off now, you don't get to control his life any longer. You have offered advice now it's time to take a step back and be there if things go wrong.

I think in his shoes I'd look sad too. It must be extremely uncomfortable to be put on the spot by a parent asking for justification as to why you like someone who is important to you. If he's a respectful son, he probably doesn't feel he can say MYOB to his mother so probably 'postponed' the discussion to get away.

I don't blame you for being concerned. I would be in your shoes. Your DS may be 19 but he does sound a little immature, especially where relationships are concerned. Is the GF older than him?

I also find it odd that she wants to meet you alone and that your DS is happy about this. It's a long shot but could he be hoping that you will say something to her to get him out of the situation?

I guess if you meet her then you need to play it by ear but I suggest trying to tread a line between being overly friendly and appearing hostile. I think it would be in order to express your concerns that he might not be getting the most out of this experience if he doesn't spend as much time as possible immersing himself in the language and the contact with other students. I.e. not hinting that you have any worries about her but more that you also want your son to be involved in University life as well.

TBH I think it is a red flag that she is trying to cut him off from his friends and now seems to be distancing him from his younger brother.

Really in which universe do GFs and DMs meet separately? Just say she's welcome to pop round with your DS one day. Keep it light and natural. As @5128gap says he'll choose his 'intimate partner' over you if you keep pressing.

I was on a course with a lad who refused to go on the year abroad that was part of our course, because he wanted to stay in the UK with his gf. So he missed his big chance to go and live in America for the year, and he and the girlfriend broke up not long afterwards. I felt really sad for him - what a wasted opportunity.

I don't think there's a lot you can do. She'll ruin his experience and it's a shame, he'll live to regret that but I doubt he'll listen to you

You all have valid points and I am listening. I agree it’s probably not a good idea to meet the GF, but I feel it’s too late to back out. Will go out for coffee this afternoon, just a short one, wish me luck!

I’ve taken on board that there is little I can say to her, so I’m seeing it as just a way of getting a bit more perspective. I want to just find out who she is and what she expects. Ask the questions DS probably hasn’t. Although I suspect she’s got her own agenda, no idea what that is!

Then I’ll talk with DS today for one last time, just to understand each other’s POV, and reassess what I’m OK with supporting and what not.

OP, have you rented a flat for your son and she is expecting to stay with him?

@billy1966 he is denying that she will live with him, but she, so far, doesn’t seem to have accommodation.

I think all you can do is carefully tell him your concerns, then frequently remind him you love him and will always be there for him.
I didn't speak up with my son when I had concerns and wish I had, but he always knew we were there to help him when needed, and we were there for him when it all went predictably wrong.

If you're going to meet her, then take ds too! She's going to play you