Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

He was happy with it ending when he left to go abroad.

So what’s changed? He’s still free to break up with her.

You sound controlling and just let him get on with his life and do not be putting down his girlfriend as that sounds horrible. He is 19 and he will live and learn and you butting in and trying to control him will make him closer to her and will push you away. Just let him get on with it and be there for him if it all falls apart. It is an exciting time of his life and I would rather be in a flat than living in student digs where there is not a minute's peace and quiet. I would never interfere in my son's life and if he asks for advice I give it but we are very close but I respect him and his choices and whoever he brings into his life will keep my beek out even if I am not taken with her as not nice when someone is not nice to you and judging you as you seem to have judged his girlfriend. Am sure they discussed her going with him but you are making it sound like she is stalking him. Wish him luck and keep yourself busy.

OP, I think it is critical that you have a cards on the table chat.

This was to be a wonderful experience for him both academically and personally.

He now appears to be having his strings pulled by his girlfriend with her own agenda.

Spell it out that his girlfriend accompanying him was not part of the plan and that you are not happy with her foisting herself on him.

She doesn't like his friends and it sounds as if the whole experience will now be a complete waste of money.

I feel very sorry for you both.

But he needs it spelt out to him that HE will be the big loser in all of this.

At this stage it appears largely out of your hands but spelling out how disappointed you are that it looks like this wonderful opportunity is being commandeered by this recent girlfriend who is 100% suiting herself.

As someone whose parents were very much of the "you've got to make your own mistakes" school of thought, I think you absolutely should talk to him. Growing up, I got no advice, no opinions given about anything at all really. So many of the "mistakes" have had long lasting effects on my life. I wasn't sure about them at the time, but being young I put up a bit of a brave/confident front I suppose, when really I would have loved my parents to say, "are you sure about this? We don't think this is the best thing for you, do you need help with the situation?"

Can you manage to smile and say how lovely that she's got a job to help with the bills, so you're reducing the amount you're paying for his accommodation? But such a shame they won't have much time together as he has to spend lots of time learning the language and he must do that or he won't pass this year. With her working shifts as a waitress you hoped she won't be too lonely.

God no I'd be having words with him. He tried to break it off and now she's stalking him. He might feel trapped.
He's 19 so just out of childhood. Those saying he's an adult must have amazingly mature 19 year olds.

This 100%

Guaranteed any talk you have will not work and will just sour your relationship with him.

Also he’s an adult.

Snout. Out.

Hes now an adult you need to let go and be there if things go tits up.

MN loves to declare adult hood at 18. Studies have shown human brains finish maturing at 25.

I'd at least be discussing the situation.

I moved out when I was 20 and went with my now DH when he started my new job. I don't regret it we have been together for now 11 years got together when I was 18 and he was 24. My parents told me to my make my own decisions and I'm grateful for that.

@topcat2014 read the OP: she has discussed it with her son. She has expressed her concerns - which is the limit of what she should do. She said he reacted defensively. She's now proposing that she asks for a meeting with him and the girlfriend. That's way overstepping the mark and likely to push her son further away.

Yea we all know about the brain not maturing until the mid 20s or so, that's not ground breaking news, but the fact is, legally he's an adult and should be treated with respect. Surely no one seriously thinks a parent should try to control their children's decisions until their mid 20s simply because the brain hasn't finished maturing?!

She's had the conversation; she now needs to respect him by allowing him to decide what he wants to do.

Great post

Presumably, OP is not funding all of it. Some of it will be coming from his student loan. The fact that some students can't get a full loan is due to government policy/parental income and not due to a lack of maturity and shouldn't be used as a means to control.. Parents are meant to contribute if their income is high enough, According to current policy. That is the way the loan system works.

Some replies on here are harsh.

If the sexes were reversed and a woman was in a relationship with a man who none of her friends liked, if the man didnt like her spending time with friends, if the man insisted on moving in with her after a couple of months and moving abroad with her, if it was likely to impact on a course or job (as moving in with someone who you have a common language with will clearly mean they wont immerse themselves in the local language and culture as much) and if the man lied about something significant (surprise! I've just got a job in the same european city you're visiting that I have no ties to, what a coincidence!) then everyone would be saying point out the red flags, at 19 they may not recognise them themselves.

Go easy though, you dont want to make them defensive and push them closer together. I'd talk about what a healthy relationship looks like and ask a load of questions eg why his friends dont like her, does he think they may have any valid co concerns, is he happy that he ismt seeing his friends as much, does he think the power balance in the relationship is equal, how is it going to work when they're away as he will have to go out and about with lots of other people to pick up the language etc. And then let him know he can always talk to you, you will never judge etc

How did his girlfriend manage to get a job in a restaurant abroad? Does she speak the local language? Sounds fishy to me.

He's not going until going next year, is that right? They'll have likely split up by then and hopefully some halls accommodation will have become available.

Ignore me! Next 'university' year ie soon.
🙁

At 19 I was working full time,pregnant,engaged and living in a flat of my own with my now husband.

You need to stop interfering;tbh you sound like you don't like your son's girlfriend and feel she's beneath you and your son.The fact you felt the need to tell us "she's a waitress" instead of "she works full time" is very telling.

At 19 I was working full time,pregnant,engaged and living in a flat of my own with my now husband.

I suspect that's what the OP is worried might happen tbh.

'my child's going to be a parent at 19. how wonderful!'

I can understand op being concerned in this specific situation, but there's no need to be a dick to others. Not everyone wants to wait til they're 40, get over it.

Oh calm yourself. But thanks for letting me know that 19 and 40 are the only ages available for pregnancy.

<thumbs up>

You need to heal from your bitterness towards young parents. Why did you think that's an appropriate response to pp? Who was by the way, married and lived independently?

I have no bitterness. The pp was presenting being pregnant and living with her boyfriend at 19 as being a positive situation. Presumably she feels it was. However I suspect most parents would not be thrilled if their child was in a similar situation. I suspect most 19 year olds wouldn't be thrilled either.

I'm sorry you have been so upset by this. Maybe people should signpost the comments we are only allowed to smile and nod at.

Interesting replies, thanks all for taking the time. Although the poll says I’m unreasonable, most of the replies are that my concerns are valid. It’s the ‘what to do about it’ that appears debatable. Honestly I really don’t know what to do for the best. It’s just not easy. I do know my gut is screaming ‘this isn’t a good situation’ and my gut is usually right!

Got a text from my son saying that the GF wants to meet with me alone for lunch, maybe tommorow. Do I go?

I’ve asked my son to have a serious chat with me also. His behaviour is getting more and more distant. He promised his little brother two days together this week, before he leaves. He’s totally ditched him, which is very unlike him, he never lets his little brother down.