Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

I don't think at all that you are controlling. What you say makes sense and I'd be concerned too.

Not sure what to advise but you know your son best, if you ahem a good connection tell him that he is his own person and will need to make his own decisions but say that you would say to a friend or family member that they it might be best to focus on their experience abroad rather than moving in with someone they barely know in a foreign country. Tell him you don't wish to interfere and that if she moves in she needs to pay rent.

Would you be happy to say which country this girl is originally from?

Unfortunately I am quite old

The level of actual maturity a young adult has is cultural. This is a modern day, very western cultured tradition.

In countries where young adults dont have the luxury of being funded by parents for years after they become adults you find more 'maturity'.

This is good!

To be honest, it sounds like he doesn't want to discuss his choices with you. Maybe try and have a talk with him once more if you actually think it would help.

I think he probably knows deep down this is a shit idea, so doesn’t want others confirming it. He’s being defensive.

Or he knows how his mother feels so just isn’t being honest. It’s a story as old as time.

I'd be disappointed too, it will completely change the dynamic, he wont be able to socialise with other students if she is constantly telling him to be free for her.
Hooefully he will have the guts to ditch her end it if she doesnt let him breath.
But will she then have to move out? Is she sharing the rent?
You need to have a serious chat with him

There’s little you can say or do, in this situation. He’s not a little boy and will make his own choices. Tread carefully @Mumwithsons , if you don’t watch what you say, your son will choose his girlfriend over anything you say.

He’s making his “own choices” with mummy’s money. She’s entitled to have her say.

I agree with this.

We would be furious to have been misled by him.
Dishonest and manipulative.
Meeting her would not be my priority either.

He has allowed a casual relationship dictate his experience with you paying for it.

All these ridiculous posters stating he is an adult🙄.

He is a big child that has made a really poor decision that will likely cost him dearly.

You were misled by him which is a huge breach of trust from him, and I certainly wouldn't be behind the door spelling out how pissed off I was at his dishonesty.

I knew someone who followed her boyfriend on his year abroad at uni. He ran off with a Spanish girl and she came home broken hearted. I'd be as concerned for her welfare as for him not missing out. He has the support of uni if it doesn't work out.

Straight out of uni I got a well paid job & was sent overseas for a few months. My bf for 4 months followed. We actually almost broke up a few weeks before I was due to leave & all my friends back home disliked him.

It was probably all a stupid mistake but it was ours to make. We fell head over hell in love there. Although it didn't work out at the end I would do it exactly the same way all over again if i had another chance. he made the experience extraordinary.

Op if I were you I would let your son make his own mistake. Maybe tell him what you think then leave him be

So not remotely the same scenario then

As an 18 year old, I was going out with someone my parents detested, and they made their feelings very clear. My Dad had always had a very controlling nature and Mum, bless her, was not only pretty "genteel" but very much "what will the neighbours think?". I have always disliked having my feelings and relationships invalidated by "those who know better", so naturally I married this man. (Not in a conscious bid to defy, but looking back 50 years on, that was undoubtedly the underlying reason.)

So, with my example, do you still want to tell your son he is wrong in his choices, or will you allow him to learn by experience and respect you, or would you rather he acts against your expressed concerns and learns to thoroughly resent you for your disrespect of his autonomy as an intelligent adult?

Just sayin'.

I don't think there's much you can do as he's an adult and it's his choice. But fwiw, I completely agree with you. His gf going will be awful and it'll be something he'll regret in the future. My years abroad were the best years of my life and they wouldn't have been the same had my boyfriend been with me as you tend to stay just the two of you a lot.

He's an adult. I had a 4 year long-distance University relationship with my other half including a year abroad and missed him terribly. Ended up going to visit him a lot. We have been together for 20 years now :)

What’s all this nonsense about respect, autonomy and adulting?

He has no autonomy - his mum is funding his year to learn a language. He had so little respect for her and her financial support that he failed to mention why he wanted a flat. He’s not behaving like an adult but the teenager he is.

YANBU

I did a year abroad and your DS will absolutely miss out on so much if he's isolated away with a gf who doesn't speak the local language.

As you have a good relationship with him I would start by digging deeper and seeing if you and he can work out how he really feels about the situation. If he's feeling pressured or having second thoughts, reassure him that he doesn't have to go through with these accommodation plans. You say the halls are now full but is there any other suitable accommodation closer to the uni (if you can afford to lose the deposit on the original flat)?

If he's adamant that this is what he wants though, you will have to let him do it - but nothing wrong with discussing the decision further and considering all the options.

What does he want? Does he actually even WANT her to go? How does he feel about living so far from uni, missing out on the experience, etc? It doesn’t sound like he suggested she came over, nor that he actively sought them living together. Is this actually really & truely what he wanted?

If it’s not, or he’s unsure, then you need to make it clear that you’ll be willing to help him sort alternative accommodation etc. If it is what he wants, then you need to suck it up. Maybe tell him that if it does fall apart you can help him. But you respect that, at his age, it’s his decision.

Seriously people here are saying because she is financially helping her son with rent through university the Op is entitled to dictate his love life? Is this for real?

Parents help their children out through there life, if I had the means I would help my kids. The bank of mum and dad is the most number most popular way young people get onto the housing ladder, does that give parents the authority to veto their choice of partner?

Who is to say OPs DS won’t get a part time job anyway and that the rent is just setting him up?

No one is saying the OP should dictate. But she can tell him what she thinks.

This isn’t what he actively, truly wanted. @Saz12 as he assumed they were breaking up, and was completely taken aback that she had found a job there. He didn’t ask her to do this. @billy1966 and @Mooda I am only just realising there must have been a GF reason behind his wanting a flat, and feel a bit foolish. He says it’s nothing to do with her and they aren’t moving together, I think he believes that. He seems a bit overwhelmed to be honest. I will contact halls but I don’t hold up much hope, there were limited places. Eurgh just feel this is all happening a bit too quickly and I’m shelling out for something that I don’t know is even going to be that beneficial for him anymore. I really wanted him to have some independence, he has a lovely nature but too giving at times, and too much of a home boy. I thought he would totally flourish.

@a1poshpaws I’m not worried that he will hate me just for saying I’m concerned. I don’t think I could live my life only having a relationship with my son if I never ever expressed my opinion on anything, and vice versa! But I think you miss my post when you think of your own, he didn’t drive or instigate this, he didn’t decide to make this decision. He was happy with it ending when he left to go abroad.

I haven't said that people “magically” become adults at the age of 18. However, the average person is an adult by that age and certainly by the age of 19. It may be that he's making a mistake but it is his mistake to make and parents shouldn't interfere with relationships beyond giving advice at that age.
It's not the fault of students that their loan is assessed on parents’ income and unfair to use it to try and control them – student’s whose parents are on lower incomes don't have to put up with that as they get a full loan. Blackmailing him by withholding money could really backfire- he may leave education rather than his girlfriend and he may become estranged from his parents.

So if your parents give you money towards something are they entitled to interfere with your relationships too?

The people saying she should withhold money are effectively saying she should dictate.