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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

375 replies

Mumwithsons · 24/08/2022 17:03

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

OP posts:
Lucielllle87 · 26/08/2022 19:25

Mumwithsons · 26/08/2022 15:58

I was going to cancel, but DS said she was already on her way, traffic etc, so agreed to wait. Probably the wrong thing to do but pot committed now.

Crikey OP! How rude of her.

How did it go?

goldfinchonthelawn · 26/08/2022 21:18

user29 · 25/08/2022 15:29

Two Rules for parenting adult children

  1. Mouth shut
  2. welcome mat out

I agree with this up to a point. I was in a disastrous relationship and my parents said nothing; always welcomed him. I had no idea that everyone in our family hated his guts until we finally broke up. I wish my parents had stepped in and been honest about their concerns earlier. I might not have heard them t the time but I would have seen the warning signs earlier if they had laid out their misgivings honestly.

Original poster
Mumwithsons · 26/08/2022 21:33

You are all totally right, I should not have waited 2 hours. Ridiculous of me to do that. But I did. She is different from what I expected, just not that much about her, no chat, no real interests, although really into DS. I think he’s the biggest thing in her life.

She’s no job to go to it turns out, she is, she says, moving in with a friend. I did say that I was concerned that they were both on different pages, DS on a year abroad learning the language at Uni. She was adamant that ‘they both’ decided it was good to go. I didn’t press anything home, and left it at that. Strange experience!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/08/2022 21:50

So either she or DS isn't being honest. Who do you believe, OP?

IrisVersicolor · 26/08/2022 22:05

He’s gotta be so careful to always use a condom, irrespective of what birth control she says she’s on. You must impress that upon him. He’s all she’s got.

CuriousMama · 26/08/2022 22:10

Oh no worse than you thought. Am so sorry.

LittleBearPad · 26/08/2022 22:13

Christ yes on the contraception front!

J0y · 26/08/2022 22:37

Wow, she kept you waiting two hours aftering pestering to meet! ?? Confused

Twizbe · 26/08/2022 22:42

After the thread the other day. Tell DS to always wear a condom.

BlackWhiteRed · 26/08/2022 23:16

I can totally understand your concerns, but I really think you have to just support him and be there whatever happens. If you interfere you'll push him away.

Just hope that the experience of being away will drive them apart. To be fair to her, the only thing you've said against her is she's not got much going for her. She's not doing him any real harm.

Original poster
Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 02:20

Thanks for the replies. Really appreciated. I’ve been on the vino 🍷 as I found today a bit exhausting!

You all have a point. I cannot dictate, nor would I want to. But I’ve been massively concerned.

I had a big chat with DS. It was good, we talked about what he initially hoped this year abroad would mean for him. What he would gain. The potential. I explained why I was concerned. He’s naive, he doesn’t see the expectations on him from his GF, so we talked about that. Is it fair to make her feel their relationship is worth moving countries for. It’s all stuff I wanted him to think about. I said I needed to know that GF was moving, and felt personally let down he wasn’t upfront. He didn’t consider it a big thing. But saw my pof that for his gf it probably is a big thing.

I don’t think he will finish the relationship. That’s his call. But I think he is more awake to it. Unfortunately not being in student halls was such a bad call on my part, but it’s done now. I’ve phoned and there is the possibility of next semester, and I’m on the wait list for that.

Crucially, I feel DS gets my concern. Our relationship has been salvaged. I said ultimately I’m disappointed but he knows I love and respect him. He’s a bit to learn and so do I. Parenting. Phew 😥 it doesn’t stop at 18 does it! Done now. Will gracefully back off…

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 02:22

POV not pof!

Apologies. Slightly tipsy 😵‍💫!

OP posts:
CobraChicken · 27/08/2022 02:30

Well done OP. I think you handled this as well as you possibly could have done. Hopefully he'll think about everything you've said.

I am very curious about the lack of job for her. In an earlier post you wrote: "I know that she told my son that she just happened to get the job offered in the same place, and that is was a happy coincidence." Was your son lied to by his gf, or did he lie to you?

Oblomov22 · 27/08/2022 05:52

I don't understand why OP is getting such a hard time. Of course you would be concerned!

billy1966 · 27/08/2022 08:05

It's done now OP and he will have to deal with the consequences.

She has no job and is following him?
Did he know this when he lied to you about the flat?
She is 100% staying with a friend not him

You need to know this.

Allowing him to think he has pulled a fast over you is not doing him any favours.

Because it is highly likely that her "friend's" offer will disappear and she will have to stay with him and he will be .ade feel responsible for her.

Spell this out to him.
That is all you can do.

What a mess.
He will live with the consequences of messing up such a lovely opportunity.

I agree with the contraception.
Again spell it out to him that the consequences of a baby could be a CMS payment for 18 years.

Original poster
Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 14:53

@CobraChicken thanks. Yes the fact that she now doesn’t have a job really surprised me. She told me that she had one lined up in a hotel but then decided not to do it. But her friend is still going so she’s just going to go with her and look for a job after. So DS didn’t lie, but didn’t update me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 15:06

@billy1966 you’ve given me some great advice, many thanks. I’ve been following it. I had a long chat with him. He said that he really wants to be in a relationship with her and ‘to see how it develops’. I told him that I felt let down by him for not giving me the full information a month ago, to which he said that he ‘thought I’d support him with his relationship’. I’ve been very clear that neither his grant or my support was to be for his GF, not even for 2 weeks if she ever needed to ‘look for a place’. I also put it to him that he might be being unfair to GF, raising her hopes of a level of long term commitment. He’d never considered that and said he’d give it thought. He asked me if I’d meet GF again, to which I said no, that she was far too invested in him and it would be unfair of me to add to that. Unfortunately he still can’t get that she is moving just for him.

I phoned the student halls again, they got my hopes up that there was a place for next semester (after Christmas), but then they said they’d got it wrong, completely full. Aargh! I am going to phone every few weeks to check.

OP posts:
Fifife · 27/08/2022 15:08

Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 14:53

@CobraChicken thanks. Yes the fact that she now doesn’t have a job really surprised me. She told me that she had one lined up in a hotel but then decided not to do it. But her friend is still going so she’s just going to go with her and look for a job after. So DS didn’t lie, but didn’t update me.

If her friend is going as well it's not really a massive deal? You have painted her out to be a stalker following your DS. Let's be clear you don't think she's good enough for your son. I hope you don't do this in future as you might be one of those MILS who complain their sons no longer want to visit because of evil DIL. From your son's behaviour he's like he likes her very much but trying to keep you sweet. If he really didn't like her he would lie and say he can only afford halls.

Original poster
Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 15:09

But yes she is 100% staying with a friend, not him. I do trust him on that. But the ‘oh dear our flat has fallen through’ is a definite possibility! So he is now clear that I would not be happy about that at all, and my money is solely for him, no one else. We got very clear about that!

OP posts:
Fifife · 27/08/2022 15:10

Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 15:06

@billy1966 you’ve given me some great advice, many thanks. I’ve been following it. I had a long chat with him. He said that he really wants to be in a relationship with her and ‘to see how it develops’. I told him that I felt let down by him for not giving me the full information a month ago, to which he said that he ‘thought I’d support him with his relationship’. I’ve been very clear that neither his grant or my support was to be for his GF, not even for 2 weeks if she ever needed to ‘look for a place’. I also put it to him that he might be being unfair to GF, raising her hopes of a level of long term commitment. He’d never considered that and said he’d give it thought. He asked me if I’d meet GF again, to which I said no, that she was far too invested in him and it would be unfair of me to add to that. Unfortunately he still can’t get that she is moving just for him.

I phoned the student halls again, they got my hopes up that there was a place for next semester (after Christmas), but then they said they’d got it wrong, completely full. Aargh! I am going to phone every few weeks to check.

Stopped ringing halls he's 19 it's his responsibility to arrange. It's university your parents don't arrange it for you.

Original poster
Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 15:11

I’ll do what I think is best @Fifife which is to look out for my son.

OP posts:
Fifife · 27/08/2022 15:14

Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 15:11

I’ll do what I think is best @Fifife which is to look out for my son.

If you carry on you will lose your son in the long term because you can't stop babying him or trying to control the outcome . Take a step back it should be him ringing halls and sorting out accomodation. I would be so embarrassed if my parent did that while I was at uni.

everywoman682 · 27/08/2022 15:16

Good grief you still sound way too over involved... complaining that your ds didn't 'update' you about his plans and his gf a month ago... now saying you'll be on the phone the halls of residence regularly for updates..,.

He's 19 for god's sake. It's clear that he's now admitted to you that he actually does want to be in a relationship with this girl (which is what I predicted was the reality several posts ago!) You're in danger of really driving him away by interfering and judging his decisions so openly. It's one thing to have a sensible chat with a young adult, but that's the line. Don't keep on and on, and don't keep phoning the Uni halls FGS - he's ab adult, he can do that himself if he wishes to move into halls.

dianthus101 · 27/08/2022 20:34

Mumwithsons · 27/08/2022 15:06

@billy1966 you’ve given me some great advice, many thanks. I’ve been following it. I had a long chat with him. He said that he really wants to be in a relationship with her and ‘to see how it develops’. I told him that I felt let down by him for not giving me the full information a month ago, to which he said that he ‘thought I’d support him with his relationship’. I’ve been very clear that neither his grant or my support was to be for his GF, not even for 2 weeks if she ever needed to ‘look for a place’. I also put it to him that he might be being unfair to GF, raising her hopes of a level of long term commitment. He’d never considered that and said he’d give it thought. He asked me if I’d meet GF again, to which I said no, that she was far too invested in him and it would be unfair of me to add to that. Unfortunately he still can’t get that she is moving just for him.

I phoned the student halls again, they got my hopes up that there was a place for next semester (after Christmas), but then they said they’d got it wrong, completely full. Aargh! I am going to phone every few weeks to check.

Are you sure they are not reserving a room for you rather than your son? Maybe it's different in the country he is going to but a British university would expect to talk to your son rather than you.

londonlass71 · 27/08/2022 21:17

You should have met her again in order to support your son.