Son’s GF following him on his University year abroad, AIBU to advise against this?

[Mumwithsons]

My son, 19 is on a University course which has a year abroad, it’s a great opportunity and I’m really excited for him. He’s been living at home whilst going to Uni (normal for my region) so great to be a bit more independent.

He had a girlfriend from the start of summer, who was working here as a waitress, she’s told him last month that she has a job in a restaurant in the city to where he’s going next year. I’ve helped him with finances, and he turned down the really good University accommodation last month, which had loads of social events also, for a small flat quite far from the University. I could not understand why he was adamant that he wanted a flat, but now I realise this must be to do with his girlfriend. She is also very exclusive, doesn’t like any of his friends at Uni.

He is supposed to be spending time with his family and friends in this last week, and his girlfriend was back in her home country, but she’s come down at the last minute before he leaves.

I feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my son and he’s quite defensive. I suggested meeting up with both of them this week and might speak up about my concerns. I know it wont’ change much, but I feel sad as this all seems very much driven by the girlfriend. AIBU to speak up?

If they’re in a completely different country, you would have no way of knowing whether she’s living with him or not if they wanted to keep that from you.

Even if you took a surprise spot check trip, found her there, and evicted her, what would stop him from moving her back in as soon as you left?

I have a good relationship with DS, not going into background but we’ve been through a lot. We had a good chat and I used some of the really good advice on here. Which has helped massively. He understands my POV, I understand more of his. He’s thought a bit about what the next year means to him, what he is going for. I’m not funding his GF, which DS is in complete agreement about.

I do trust him, and he trusts that I am acting out of care. That’s it really!

I agree, he's 19, not 9, he has a separate life. He is an adult and what he does is absolutely none of your business.

It is if she's still paying for his education. There's a difference between not owing your mother the details of your sex life (no thanks anyway) and having the respect and maturity to understand that your mother/parents are still funding your education.

My dd is 19 and I do not demand details of her life from her but obviously as she lives at home and is at university we do know at lot about each other's lives.

I can't figure out posters who think that you have no right to guide or support or advise your child the day they turn 18. Are their children babies?? Can they not fathom loving a teenager? Or are they in their very early 20s and over identify with the teenager and not at all with the parent. It's so weird.

Sounds good!

"I can't figure out posters who think that you have no right to guide or support or advise your child the day they turn 18. Are their children babies?? Can they not fathom loving a teenager? "

Wow!

Guiding and supporting is having a sensitive chat about something of concern- which is what the OP said in her first post she'd already done.

Continuing to stick an oar in, meeting up with the girlfriend, trying to control where her son lives and how he lives his life, saying she'll phone the Uni halls on a regular basis...these things are disrespectful and controlling.

The gf wanted to meet her. It wasn’t OP’s choice. As OP is paying for the accommodation it isn’t unreasonable for her to be involved.

It’s disrespectful, controlling and less than honest not to tell the person funding your year out that you want to live in a flat instead of in uni halls where you will get the most exposure to the language because your gf is going too. It shows that he is still very immature.

If a parent is funding an educational year they have a say in how it goes forward.

If he were simply moving to another country for a job it would be different.

I funded my kids through Uni because this is how the system is designed- the maintenance loan is means-tested and the expectation is that unless the student qualifies for the full amount, that it will be topped up. That's the system. (I don't agree with it btw; my view is that anyone of adult age should be able to borrow the full amount, regardless of what their parents earn.)
I never told my kids where to live though; the decision to live in halls/self catering/private rental etc was up to them. And I'd have felt absolutely ridiculous phoning Uni halls trying to sort accommodation for them. In fact I'd have been surprised if the Uni had been prepared to give me the time of day!

It's a bit disturbing that the gf is following him round Europe, doesn't have a secure job or accommodation & has decided that this young lad is her meal ticket. All the pps who are telling the op to back off, would you be happy with this? This young lady is doing the oldest trick in the book. She's a hustler with no real prospects who is using the 'in love' myth & the op is wise to be on her guard.

Why won't she get a secure job or an education? Why has she settled on casual bar work & settling down so early? Be on your guard about pregnancy.

Hilarious how quickly some jump to sexist stereotypes. OP's DS can't even pay for his own accommodation. It's highly likely his gf has more savings and earning potential than him atm.

@TheEggChair if it were true about the meal ticket, I'd be concerned (but I still wouldn't try to control who my adult son or daughter could have a relationship with)
But we don't know that's the case: apparently the gf is now going abroad with a friend. And tbh not every young adult wants to go straight to Uni or get a 'secure job' (what's that, anyway, these days?!) at 19 or so! Nothing wrong with bar work. I had a whale of a time as a young adult spending some time travelling around and doing bar work.
What is clear is that the son has now been honest that he wants to continue the relationship. The OP started by saying he 'seemed happy' for it to end a few weeks ago... I wonder if that was wishful thinking on her part!
I'm all for supporting my children but there's a line between expressing care and concern and being over involved and controlling. If the OP doesn't want to top up the student loan that's her call. But using money as some sort of bargaining tool to make your adult sons and daughters make the decisions you want, is really awful imo

Agreed. The misogyny on here is terrible. OP's son needs his mummy to not only pay his accommodation (when his girlfriend already has sorted her own out) but make all his accommodation arrangements for him. And....it's his girlfriend that's the 'hustler' and using him as her 'meal ticket'???? Give me a fucking break! Maybe OP's son should stop using his mummy as his meal ticket and to do everything for him but wipe his arse.

Every good wish to you and your son OP.

I really hope he gets something out of this wonderful opportunity he has been given.

Did you fund a year out in a foreign country in order for them to learn a language?

And anyway - you do you with your own kids and let other people crack on with theirs.

Equally, if OP was getting involved in uni halls in the U.K. I would say completely different. Completely different kettle of fish.

Few posters seem to grasp what’s involved in learning a language. It’s absolutely crucial in a year out in a foreign country that DS mixes with native students and doesn’t spend the year speaking English to his gf and problematic that gf is going. It’s literally the difference between coming home fluent and not.

That’s why the halls issue is so important in this instance. It’s not simply about where he lives.

Perhaps you should move abroad with him OP. Just to check he's not mixing with too many English speakers, is keeping up with all his deadlines and staying away from the hustler

Really? Are the snide comments helpful?

Yeah op fancy caring about your son so much🤔

Caring also means letting go, not babying him.

She’s not babying him.

Urgh. She sounds suffocating. But he seems pleased with the plan.

Honestly, I can't think of a way you can discuss this, without driving him away even further. I think you need to just let this one play out.

She most certainly is! Ringing up and arranging his accommodation, hassling the dorms - he is 19 years old! It's creepy. She is doing everyone but wiping his arse.

How many languages do you speak?

What does that matter? What does that have to do with the OP's weird Bates-like relationship with her son?