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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it petty or reasonable to not want to give birth in this hospital for this reason?

156 replies

Nobabyno · 24/08/2022 16:41

I'm pregnant with our first child and me and DH were discussing where I'd give birth.

There is a smaller hospital quite close to us (10 min drive) which has a good maternity unit, alternatively there is a hospital around 40 mins away which is also good (city centre very large hospital).

This is where my AIBU comes in!

My husband's ex is a midwife at the local hospital! They have a child together, my step child. We do get on okay, she knows about the pregnancy even and has always been perfectly pleasant toward me. I'm not her hugest fan for a couple of reasons but all in all we rub along very well.

I've told DH there's no way I want to go there to give birth and want to go to the other hospital because of this. He thinks I'm being silly. She wouldn't be able to be my midwife anyway because of the connection (don't know how true that is but I'm sure she'd request not to be anyway!) so there's no big deal.

It doesn't matter to me though, I'm nervous as it is. The last thing I want is it playing on my mind that she will be there or whoever my midwife is ends up being her friend or something. It's a vulnerable time and I just don't want the stress of it.

It's not a big deal to go to the other hospital but is he right, would you find this silly or reason?

YABU - it doesn't matter.

YANBU - I'd hate it too and go somewhere else!

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 24/08/2022 16:43

It’s really about the baby’s safety though.

Original poster
Nobabyno · 24/08/2022 16:44

PersonaNonGarter · 24/08/2022 16:43

It’s really about the baby’s safety though.

Of course. Both hospitals have very good maternity units.

OP posts:
Peashoots · 24/08/2022 16:46

PersonaNonGarter · 24/08/2022 16:43

It’s really about the baby’s safety though.

How would choosing the other hospital compromise the baby’s safety? Don’t be ridiculous.

op, there’s nothing wrong with choosing the hospital where you feel more comfortable. Research shows that labour and birth progress better when mum is more relaxed and it sounds like you won’t be if you go to local hospital. 40 minutes really isn’t that far to travel; plan your route well and leave with plenty of time.

parietal · 24/08/2022 16:47

Go with the big one where you feel confident

georgarina · 24/08/2022 16:47

If there's no way she will be involved in your care then personally I wouldn't see the issue
It's up to you but I would rather a 10 minute trip than 40 minutes, both in labour (uncomfortable/you'll potentially need to get there quickly) and after with a newborn.

LemonSwan · 24/08/2022 16:47

I agree I would feel uneasy about that but 40mins away is a long way because if that happens to be rush hour then that’s going to be way more than 40mins. That’s another layer of stress that you also don’t need.

Plus I gave birth at a smaller hospital and very glad I did. Service was excellent. The larger hospital which is supposedly better seemed more tight in their level of care (only giving ibu and para to c section patients / dry dressing c section instead of the vacuum pack I had).

I would look at the actual hospitals themselves. Perhaps start a thread title with the hospital names asking for experiences?

Original poster
Nobabyno · 24/08/2022 16:50

georgarina · 24/08/2022 16:47

If there's no way she will be involved in your care then personally I wouldn't see the issue
It's up to you but I would rather a 10 minute trip than 40 minutes, both in labour (uncomfortable/you'll potentially need to get there quickly) and after with a newborn.

I think my issue with it is (and potentially just my brain going into overdrive), the midwife looking after me good be her best mate, I don't want my birth or anything getting discussed over coffee with my husband's ex in the break room 😂 or even if she's not directly involved in the birth, she may still be on the ward and things and I just wouldn't feel comfortable having her walking around whilst I'm in such a (potential) state iyswim

OP posts:
Lavendersummer · 24/08/2022 16:50

You can state you do not want x midwife. You don’t need to give a reason. However the reason you have is perfectly acceptable. Speak to your community midwife she will help you. Frankly if there is an emergency you will be happy for any help. But in all normal cases this is totally possible.

Original poster
Nobabyno · 24/08/2022 16:50

Could be her best mate that should say

OP posts:
TamSamLam · 24/08/2022 16:50

She won't be your midwife unless she's the only midwife available and you both agree, ie it won't happen.
Book into whichever hospital if it makes you more comfortable to have antenatal care at. Decide once you're in labour where you want to actually go, speed might suddenly become more important than dignity, or not. Your dh should not argue with your decision when you're in labour (or at all really) irrespective of his feelings, 40minutes is the only option many people get and they're fine.

CurbsideProphet · 24/08/2022 16:50

I'm pregnant and would feel the same as you. I don't think you're being silly. Your DH can't guarantee who definitely will and will not look after you, especially if the maternity unit has staff shortages due to sickness etc. This is something you would need to discuss with the midwifery service.

We have to drive 30mins (longer in rush hour) to the nearest maternity unit, so I wouldn't base a decision on distance.

Original poster
Nobabyno · 24/08/2022 16:51

40minutes is the only option many people get and they're fine

I said this to DH. Plenty of people live that distance away from any hospital!

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 24/08/2022 16:52

Logically, you should choose the nearest hospital, but if you’re not comfortable, then it benefits no one.

Go for the bigger hospital

SunshineAndFizz · 24/08/2022 16:52

YANBU. I'd go to the other hospital too. Wouldn't really want to bump into her.

I'm also making an assumption that the larger city centre hospital is a better hospital - the smaller more local one near us is lovely but not as well established and doesn't have the same level of expertise - so have a look into that as it may make your choice for you.

Greensleeves · 24/08/2022 16:53

There's no indication in your post that the baby's safety will be affected by your choice, so I've no idea what that poster was thinking Confused

I think the mother's comfort and wellbeing is the most crucial factor - medical emergencies aside - in ensuring a positive birth experience. You can't go into labour feeling inhibited, threatened, embarrassed - that would be awful. Definitely choose the other hospital, and tell your DH he can have an opinion the day he pushes a whole grapefruit out of the tip of his todger, and not until.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 24/08/2022 16:54

Our local hospital is 40 mins away so don't understand what's the issue?

Original poster
Nobabyno · 24/08/2022 16:56

You can't go into labour feeling inhibited, threatened, embarrassed

Thank you. Embarrassed is definitely one of the biggest things. I know I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about logically but can anyone really say they'd be fine with their husband's exes best friend or similar seeing all of that, knowing they could be potentially discussing you?

Id feel uncomfortable and awkward through the whole thing.

OP posts:
LolaLoo2 · 24/08/2022 16:58

YANBU! If anytime is worth feeling fully comfortable (as you can) and not stressed or anxious over it's the circumstances in which you labour and give birth.

It is YOUR choice OP, absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. You're the one giving birth, therefore it's your decision.

onelittlefrog · 24/08/2022 16:58

I'd go to the big one. Doesn't really matter what your husband thinks, you are the one giving birth not him.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 24/08/2022 17:01

Honestly I think it’s a bit petty considering she’s always been perfectly nice to you, she wouldn’t have to deal with your birth and you have no reason to believe she would be anything other than completely professional. But that said, if there’s something easy you can do to make yourself feel better during labour, then why wouldn’t you just do it? It makes no sense to put up with being uncomfortable about something, rational or not, if you don’t have to.

Flutterbybudget · 24/08/2022 17:02

I chose to go to the hospital that wasn’t the closest for me, because I was more comfortable with the place. It’s important that you feel comfortable.
HOWEVER where babies are concerned, nothing is absolutely set in stone. So, be prepared that circumstances might dictate that you end up in that local hospital, or like the lady in the news today, you could be giving birth on a train station. The REALLY important thing is the safety of you and your baby.
Same goes for any birthing plans. Have an idea in your head, but be prepared to be flexible about it.

Christonabike37 · 24/08/2022 17:04

Absolutely understandable. It's really not DHs choice. I would just think that they'd be gossiping about me to her and I wouldn't relax

FriedasCarLoad · 24/08/2022 17:05

40 minutes (which could be longer if there's bad traffic) will feel like forever when you're in labour. Worse still in an emergency.

I'd go for the small hospital and request not to have the midwife you know, if possible. My midwife at a home birth was a woman I couldn't stand, but once I was in labour I couldn't care less!

By the way, I'd also thoroughly recommend looking into home births :)

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 17:06

You need to go to the hospital where you will feel most comfortable. 40 mins is a reasonable tavel time.

Sceptre86 · 24/08/2022 17:06

I would feel the same as you. It isn't exactly going to get the oxytocin flowing if you are stressed about this and like you said whilst she may not be involved in your care she could be on the ward. You are the patient, so you make the choice that suits you.

Yanbu. x