Is it petty or reasonable to not want to give birth in this hospital for this reason?

[Nobabyno]

I'm pregnant with our first child and me and DH were discussing where I'd give birth.

There is a smaller hospital quite close to us (10 min drive) which has a good maternity unit, alternatively there is a hospital around 40 mins away which is also good (city centre very large hospital).

This is where my AIBU comes in!

My husband's ex is a midwife at the local hospital! They have a child together, my step child. We do get on okay, she knows about the pregnancy even and has always been perfectly pleasant toward me. I'm not her hugest fan for a couple of reasons but all in all we rub along very well.

I've told DH there's no way I want to go there to give birth and want to go to the other hospital because of this. He thinks I'm being silly. She wouldn't be able to be my midwife anyway because of the connection (don't know how true that is but I'm sure she'd request not to be anyway!) so there's no big deal.

It doesn't matter to me though, I'm nervous as it is. The last thing I want is it playing on my mind that she will be there or whoever my midwife is ends up being her friend or something. It's a vulnerable time and I just don't want the stress of it.

It's not a big deal to go to the other hospital but is he right, would you find this silly or reason?

YABU - it doesn't matter.

YANBU - I'd hate it too and go somewhere else!

She’s probably also very friendly with midwives at both hospitals 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your choice and absolutely only your choice. Tell your DH to piss of. He wouldn't want your ex doing a prostate exam or treating him for erectile dysfunction would he?
OK maybe I am going a bit over the top there but you know what I mean.

What a needlessly unkind thing to post.

There is NO WAY I’d choose a 40 minute drive over a 10 minute drive during labour 😭 my 15 minute drive was bad enough. Every bump, every corner, was awful. Practically the closer one makes much more sense. I needed to be in longer than expected and OH had to run home for extra supplies and bits and pieces often - much easier to be closer to home.

I don’t think you’re being petty but I would still be closer to home

I would first discuss with your community midwife about the likelihood of being able to refuse this one particular midwife. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want your dh's ex as your midwife but I think you need to know the lay of the land before making a choice.

Having said that, there's a big difference between 10 minutes and 40 when you are in pain.

I wouldn't have made the hospital for either of mine at 40 minutes.

As someone who works in the field, I'd choose the bigger city center hospital all day everyday anyway. The neonatal services will be much higher level of care should you need them. Noone wants their baby taken away from them to go to the larger hospital if required while you stay behind where you gave birth until you are fit to travel.

Even if it is her best mate, they won't be discussing it over coffee. Firstly because of confidentiality, but also because births aren't that interesting to people who are involved in several a day. There won't be anything about yours that they haven't see before, so they won't be discussing their patients any more then cashiers discuss their customers.

Having said that, how small is the small hospital? Dose it have a theater or would you need to transfer in an emergency? If so, that would put me off far more then who works their.

Oh god go with the larger hospital ! I decided to go with a hospital 40 mins away as I prefer the town it’s in (salubrious, lovely area) to the town the hospital 30 mins away is and wanted my son to be born in that town as opposed to the other (average, boring town). So, my reasons are really shallow but I don’t care what anyone but DH thinks and he agrees with me!

As it happens the hospital I’ve chosen is amazing. It’s always calm and a lovely atmosphere with incredible staff. The ‘other’ hospital is v busy and not a v nice vibe (I had to go yesterday for an unrelated issue).

I am equadistant from half a dozen hospitals across 3 counties due to where I live, its half and hour too each (well 1 doesnt have a maternity unit anymore so 5 option).

I have been pregnant 4 times and the journey was fine each time and we had to travel in a severe storm once.

Very few people spontaniously fire out a baby (and I did have spontanious PPROM with one of mine, my body was desperately trying to get him out because the cord was compressed, still took 12 hours from the start point) with zero warning, usually its a case of people ignoring warning sign until the last minute.

You'll most likely be fine going 40 minute if you choose that and you know should the worst come to the worst and you dont realise until your crowning you can still go to the near one anyway.

I assume you are early pregnant and have not yet had your booking appointment?

Just self refer to to hospital you want.

I get you and I would feel the same.

You have another reasonable option so it makes sense to use it and avoid awkwardness.

I'm sure she'd be totally professional (as in not discussing, corridor passing) but will probably be equally delighted to avoid the situation. You don't want to have to think about it and neither does she

Pick the hospital you would feel most comfortable at. In a proper emergency you’d just go to the nearest one anyway but it probably won’t come to that. Do you have risk factors?

I get why you wouldn’t want the nearby hospital. My only issue is I would assume you wouldn’t be able to have a home birth with the one that’s further away (currently pregnant and that’s important to me!) and I wouldn’t give that option up to avoid the smaller hospital - but assuming that’s not relevant to you.

The local hospital is probably a midwife led unit which is fine until you need a c section in a hurry, finding an ambulance and travelling 40 mins or whatever is not great. For a 1st baby the main hospital is safest but it’s your choice.

I would feel the same as you. The birth is
First and foremost about safe delivery, as you've said both options have excellent mat units.
Thereafter it's your choice.

For all the reasons you've mentioned, not a hope in hell would I book into the closer one where ex works.

The birth & newborn love bubble is a special time for you and you as a couple. I just wouldn't want to share that moment in any way with his ex
(I know she wouldn't be your midwife but as you say she could be on the ward or her friends could be)
It's a special private time for you.
You will have to share so much with her in the past & moving on as your kids are siblings.

The birth of uour first child should not be one of those times imho

I completely understand your reasons and don't think you are unreasonable to want ti give birth in the environment where you feel the most comfortable.

However, if you are able to look round both units, you could possibly do this before making a final decision. Most midwives working in hospital rotate to the different wards, so she may not even be working on the delivery suite anyway unless she is a permanent ds midwife. However, that does mean that you might see her in triage or on the postnatal ward so it'd worth thinking about how you would feel about that also.

40 minutes in the best circumstances with several significant traffic pinch points along the route was the only option when I gave birth. No one thought anything of it.

where I am now, the closest maternity hospital is still 30 minutes away, though no bridges or tunnels to contend with here.

Just go where you feel comfortable. Nobody else’s feelings matter.

IF there was an emergency, or the head starts emerging as you pull off the driveway you can still turn up at the closer hospital. They can’t turn you away.

Anything that makes you feel stressed/tense, slows labour and can cause problems. If going to that hospital makes you tense, you need to go elsewhere. It doesn’t matter why you feel tense, it isn’t a logical thing that your husband can debate.

That your husband does not understand this, is not great. During your labour he needs to be the person getting rid of anything/anyone that’s stressing you. Talk to him - if necessary email him! About this, and maybe send him some articles on birth to read. If he doesn’t know that stress is the worse thing for the baby’s welfare then really he knows nothing about birth at all.

I chose to go to a hospital further away than my local one because it's the hospital my DH works at so it worked better for us, visiting, appointments etc but also because I had a high risk pregnancy and the larger hospital had better facilities if there was a problem with the baby.
The larger hospital may be better if things go wrong, touch wood they won't but just in case.

To give birth, you need to feel safe and secure. Any reason why that is not so, is a good reason to go elsewhere. Your husband's views are not relevant, he isn't the one trying to deliver a baby.

However, if you can talk to the closer maternity unit and gain assurances that you are happy with, then that may be a compromise. It's worth asking.

You want to put the baby's safety first and not having to travel for 40 mins helps, but feeling safe yourself is part of that, so don't let anyone tell you it is irrelevant. If it is worrying you, it matters.

There is no way I would go to a small hospital with my husband's ex as a midwife even if she is not your midwife. What if they have someone ill on the day or on holiday or shortage? I also wouldn't appreciate anyone discussing my medical details with the ex.
Go for the bigger hospital, 40 min is not that bad. Also it is you who is giving birth and what you think counts. Your husband has no right in this decision

If the hospitals aren’t part of the same trust, you may have to attend the further away hospital for all sorts of reasons such as blood tests, scans, any consultant appointments, and then after the baby is born for any follow up that might be required. If you get a wound infection for example, will you want to sit in the car for 40 minutes with a (possibly) screaming newborn?

I booked at a hospital 40ish mind away (I work there) and it was fine, but I went in fully aware of the drawbacks.

I would feel exactly the same as you. she probably won't be anywhere near, but you don't want to potentially be gossiped about. My midwife ds didn't give birth in her local hospital / workplace for that same reason. You have to go where you feel comfortable, this is your medical appointment.

Absolute rubbish. I work in a small hospital that doesn’t have an MLU, only alongside midwifery led rooms on a delivery suite.