Is it petty or reasonable to not want to give birth in this hospital for this reason?

[Nobabyno]

I'm pregnant with our first child and me and DH were discussing where I'd give birth.

There is a smaller hospital quite close to us (10 min drive) which has a good maternity unit, alternatively there is a hospital around 40 mins away which is also good (city centre very large hospital).

This is where my AIBU comes in!

My husband's ex is a midwife at the local hospital! They have a child together, my step child. We do get on okay, she knows about the pregnancy even and has always been perfectly pleasant toward me. I'm not her hugest fan for a couple of reasons but all in all we rub along very well.

I've told DH there's no way I want to go there to give birth and want to go to the other hospital because of this. He thinks I'm being silly. She wouldn't be able to be my midwife anyway because of the connection (don't know how true that is but I'm sure she'd request not to be anyway!) so there's no big deal.

It doesn't matter to me though, I'm nervous as it is. The last thing I want is it playing on my mind that she will be there or whoever my midwife is ends up being her friend or something. It's a vulnerable time and I just don't want the stress of it.

It's not a big deal to go to the other hospital but is he right, would you find this silly or reason?

YABU - it doesn't matter.

YANBU - I'd hate it too and go somewhere else!

[SurfingNovice]

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I would have the exact same concerns as you - and she will discuss you with her mates. You need to be relaxed. Go to the one 40 mins away. Good luck OP!!

[RosieBartley]

As a person who was caught completely off guard with a very fast labour and living 30 minutes away from nearest hospital (easily an hour in rush hour)… if I were you I’d plan for where you want to go but make peace with the idea that once it comes to it, you may need to go to the closer hospital. You can’t really plan childbirth, you might need to get there in 10 minutes and even that will feel like a life time

[BarnacleNora]

OP I had far more trivial reasons to choose between two hospitals with the same distances and I went for the one 40 minutes away. Now, it wasn't quite as cut and dry as that, the hospital that was '10 minutes away' was actually along a route that was notorious for getting snarled up with traffic occasionally during rush hour morning and evening and the one that was 40 minutes away was very definitely 40 minutes but along a route that didn't get traffic and was basically a straight line.

However, whilst 40 mins drive in active labour isn't the most fun I still stand by my choice, it was the hospital I felt the most comfortable with for several reasons and the one I knew I would feel the most at ease giving birth in.

In your situation there would be no question. I can absolutely understand you being uncomfortable even though midwives are supposed to be professional and shouldn't be gossiping at all, you would still be wondering and that's enough. Go for the 40 minutes away hospital and put your mind at rest (just make sure there's a straightforward route there and no traffic hot spots!)

[Laursh]

You a pushing a baby out your vagina, you get whatever you want!

i will say I have recently had a baby and being close to home was a blessing, especially for a short car journey after a c-section

[Sistanotcista]

OP, it’s you who does the labour and the birth, so it’s absolutely your choice. You need to feel comfortable safe, not DH. Choose the hospital you’re happy with.

[glam11]

Absolutely! I totally agree with you OP but this comment is definitely worth bearing in mind in case there’s an emergency/traffic/no room at larger hospital (it can happen). Birth plans rarely go to plan because, well, babies do as they please! But for now tell your husband that when he gets pregnant and has another human being inside him, he can decide but until then shut up lol! Would he like to be butt naked with legs splayed and all to see with your hypothetical ex husband as his Dr?!

[crowdedout]

You don't know how quickly you will labour op. I couldnt have sat in the car for 40 minutes with my first - the 10 minute trip was agony and i would have had the baby in the car if it had been longer.

Also , if you labour slowly 40 minutes is a long way to go back and forth to the hospital to get checked.

She's his ex. And a hcp. Maternity wards are so busy she is unlikely to even know you are in unless she is on shift. Does she work labour ward or post natal?

[whatthehelldowecare]

Not pregnant and no intention of being any time soon, but my DH's ex/DSD's mum is a midwife in our local hospital and I've actually thought about this before too. I'd say go with the bigger hospital if that's where you're more comfortable. Good luck!

[startfresh]

I'd go to the other one.

I haven't chosen the closest hospital to me for other reasons, there's not much difference in distance (maybe 15 mins). It's not much under 40 mins away but it's where I feel comfortable driving to and being at. Was fine with my first (although I was induced so didn't have the labour rush!).

As PP said, that distance is the only option for some.

Just be aware if you go into a spontaneous labour and there's an issue - you need to be prepared to go to the closest one, for the safety of you and baby! As long as you're willing in the case of an emergency, all is ok.

[Tiredasamf]

You’re not being silly. Birth can be a stressful and anxiety inducing experience so understandably you don’t want another layer to that.

do what you’re comfortable with. When you’re in labour and call in, let them know you’re 40 minutes away and they may tell you to come in sooner than they ordinarily would.

You do you!

[HermioneIsMyHomegirl]

My school bully was working in the maternity ward when I had dc2. It was a planned section, she'd commented that she could be in the room! So I said to EVERY single person I spoke to in that hospital that she doesn't come within 10ft of me or DC while I was there. Very few asked why, just agreed.

So I completely get where you're coming from and would absolutely make the same choice!

[Olivia199]

YANBU.

My closest hospital is 45 minutes away and it never occurred to me to worry about the travel (though I didn't have another option anyway). Baby ended up breech and even post C-Section the drive home was fine!

Honestly I'd choose the hospital further away. Mainly because it doesn't really matter WHAT makes you uncomfortable, just that you feel that way. Giving birth is a huge and vulnerable moment. The last thing I'd want is to have any feelings of discomfort on top of all that.

If it was a case of needing specialist interventions available and one hospital had it and the other didn't then of course that'd need taking into consideration. But as you've said, both are good hospitals with good maternity care. So the next most important thing is your comfort and your feelings towards each.

You have your preference and honestly it doesn't really matter why that is. The point is, you're more comfortable at one over the other.

[crabcakesalad]

@parietal

Go with the big one where you feel confident

Or a home birth.

YANBU. She'll have told her colleagues all about you. It's not worth the stress.

[TheWomanTheyCallJayne]

Even if she did read your notes, or her best friend told her a bit about the birth. Neither of which is that likely. What would that do to you? You won’t be any different to all the other labouring women they see day in day out. You could crap yourself and vomit on your husband and you wouldn’t be the first or last. They just wouldn’t care. Plus, she sounds like she’s nice from what you say.
Maybe have a think about why it’s bothering you.
Personally I would go closer but that’s because I don’t go in ages before and am always in established labour in the car but ultimately you need to do what’s best for you. And remember you can change your mind on the day whatever you decide now.

[Tarzycat]

I would look at it this way.
When it comes to pregnancy and birthing, everyone is different. The ex is a professional and an expert in her field. To be honest I’m sure she probably wouldn’t want to assist you ideally either.

I’m guessing you’re not high risk of any sort?
I personally would prefer to go to the bigger hospital. As an experienced mum, I had 1 natural birth, 1 traumatic emergency c-section and planned section. If there are any complications and hopefully there won’t be, you would have a team there ready for any intervention.

I would put on your birthing plan your first choice and if time isn’t on your side, have a second choice. You and your baby’s safety come first always.

Good luck with your birth x

[Grumpypants78]

You need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible and if going to the local hospital is going to be stressful for you for any reason don't do it.

[Milesbehind]

YANBU at all. Make the plan that feels right, and you know you can swap it up if you have to at the time. Good luck, sure you’ll have a wonderful birth and lovely baby! X

[Mumto32022]

I would feel the same way. My concern would be if you were on labour ward and the emergency bell was to go in your room for whatever reason. It would be hard for her not to go in (she probably wouldn’t want to due to privacy reasons for you but she will also have a duty of care).
I would move hospitals if you have the choice. You can’t be worrying about this in labour. She may not be on shift but if you have a long stay chances are she will be on shift at some point during that time.

[Mumto32022]

Are you just booking your pregnancy OP? If you are you can book your community care with normal midwives and delivery care somewhere else. You can do this at any point of your pregnancy and you can change your mind too. I have friends that did this.

[singingintheshower]

You ANBU at all HOWEVER I was sent home during labour with my 2nd child as not far enough along 🙄 then it all progressed very quickly at home & I almost gave birth in the (10) min car journey to our nearest hospital.That journey was awful tbh. I gave birth 40 mins after getting to hospital & never even made it onto the hospital bed that time. So just prepare to be flexible I'd say & good luck. You won't give a hoot when you are in full-blown labour tbh.

[TurquoiseDragon]

I couldn't use the hospital that was 5 mins away, it was a small midwife led unit for low risk only. I had no choice but to go to the hospital 40 mins away.

And while you can get named midwives for antenatal care, you simply can't guarantee which midwife you get once you're in labour, so there's always a chance that the Ex is the only midwife available at that time if you choose the local hospital.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings but in your shoes I would frame it that the most important thing is safe delivery of baby and put put personal feelings aside. When it comes to it that is all that will be in your mind anyway. I wouldn't fancy being 40 minutes away from hospital if I had the option of somewhere closer.

[Emma284]

I can understand why you might think of it as uncomfortable initially but do you really think that the midwives are the kind of people who run to the staff room to discuss the sort of things you may find embarrassing.
The midwife who looks after you won’t necessarily be the EWs best friend either.
Knowing how baby doesn’t always give great notice, I’d be trying to find a way to use the local hospital. The hospital I gave birth in was 45 min drive on a good day (our nearest one) but it took us over an hour and being in a traffic jam and having contractions is not a good place to be xx

[Purple52]

@Greensleeves

What a needlessly unkind thing to post.

I was about to say the exact same thing!

it’s not needless and unnecessary! It’s fact!

if the op’s fear us her midwife is friends with her husbands ex, it’s a very real possibility!!

it’s either something the op needs to travel more than 40 mins to avoid (which is not recommend) - or accept!

also worth noting that LOTS of babies will be born and yours will doubtless not be worthy of chatter between busy professionals!

[Confusion101]

YANBU but I will give my experience for you to think about. I did give birth in a hosp 40 mins away, it was the closest one. My labour was extremely quick. My partner was sent home and then we rang him when I was in active labour. He hadn't left the park, but if he had, he would not have made it back to the hosp on time for the birth which would've been an absolute disaster for me, I really needed his support during the labour..
After the labour, things like visiting and bringing me in stuff would've been so much easier had he only been 10 mins away. He only got to visit once a day instead of twice because of the timings.
I actually ended up being cared for by a lot of people I knew or knew indirectly (I did not know they worked there in advance and had I known there defo would've been some people I wouldve thought I didn't want around me) and it ended up being really lovely and I felt extra supported and any embarrassment I mightve thought I would have was gone out the window for sure.
Honestly I cannot imagine the midwives having a convo about your birth apart from possibly the same info you would tell everyone anyway (weight, gender, if all is good). Would they really be arsed going into detail, I really can't imagine it... And why would your DH ex want to know?
After all of that I just want to say nobody can make this decision only you! But I just wanted to give my experience for you to think about!