Is it petty or reasonable to not want to give birth in this hospital for this reason?

[Nobabyno]

I'm pregnant with our first child and me and DH were discussing where I'd give birth.

There is a smaller hospital quite close to us (10 min drive) which has a good maternity unit, alternatively there is a hospital around 40 mins away which is also good (city centre very large hospital).

This is where my AIBU comes in!

My husband's ex is a midwife at the local hospital! They have a child together, my step child. We do get on okay, she knows about the pregnancy even and has always been perfectly pleasant toward me. I'm not her hugest fan for a couple of reasons but all in all we rub along very well.

I've told DH there's no way I want to go there to give birth and want to go to the other hospital because of this. He thinks I'm being silly. She wouldn't be able to be my midwife anyway because of the connection (don't know how true that is but I'm sure she'd request not to be anyway!) so there's no big deal.

It doesn't matter to me though, I'm nervous as it is. The last thing I want is it playing on my mind that she will be there or whoever my midwife is ends up being her friend or something. It's a vulnerable time and I just don't want the stress of it.

It's not a big deal to go to the other hospital but is he right, would you find this silly or reason?

YABU - it doesn't matter.

YANBU - I'd hate it too and go somewhere else!

[PutinIsAWarCriminal]

@Purpleforthewin

You lose all dignity when having a baby so i can definitely see why you wouldn't want partner's ex to be anywhere near.

You certainly don't loose all dignity! You go through something very primal, female, powerful and natural but let's not call it undignified!

[gogohmm]

I would flip the situation around, you might get "better" treatment because she's connected to you. Think of it that way. It sounds like it's an amicable situation, she won't be assigned to you because that's no good practice anyway, but actually when it comes to the time you may find a friendly face who really understands is invaluable

[BeanieTeen]

You certainly don't loose all dignity! You go through something very primal, female, powerful and natural but let's not call it undignified!

It’s most certainly undignified, let’s call a spade a spade 😂 I think ‘losing dignity’ refers to the fact that in that moment you just don’t give shit, which is indeed quite liberating and yes, powerful, in many ways. But undignified nonetheless.

[Unforgettablefire]

You might not care where you give birth once your labour is underway.

[Purpleforthewin]

@PutinIsAWarCriminal

You certainly don't loose all dignity! You go through something very primal, female, powerful and natural but let's not call it undignified!

Great if you didn't feel a lot of dignity but a lot of mothers do and I certainly did.

[Purpleforthewin]

@Purpleforthewin

Great if you didn't feel a lot of dignity but a lot of mothers do and I certainly did.

Loss not lot

[Survey99]

@Nobabyno

You can't go into labour feeling inhibited, threatened, embarrassed

Thank you. Embarrassed is definitely one of the biggest things. I know I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about logically but can anyone really say they'd be fine with their husband's exes best friend or similar seeing all of that, knowing they could be potentially discussing you?

Id feel uncomfortable and awkward through the whole thing.

What do you think you might do that they haven't seen a hundred mothers doing before you that is worth discussing? Needing pain relief, screaming, shitting yourself, having a unkempt bush, having hallucinations on the gas? They have, daily, seen it all and more and probably prefer talking about something else!

But if you feel more comfortable elsewhere and are happy with the extra 40 mins then go for it.

PS. Last month a colleagues wife went to bed with some twinges, woke in labour and had her first baby in hospital 1hr later - she was glad it was nearby. That is very very unusual for a first baby, but it does happen! The advantage of 10mins down the road is you can wait until your labour is more established in the comfort of your own home.

[Newmummy343]

As someone who has 2 stepchildren I would in no way want the mother there. You are not being unreasonable whatsoever. Explain to your husband you want to feel comfortable and he should respect and support your decision. Also I bet your DH's ex wouldn't want you at this hospital either, it's awkward for you both. Hope you get it resolved 😊

[Beekeepersapprentice]

I work as a Dr and have worked on labour wards.
I would expect the vast majority of midwives and other HCPs to be professional enough not to gossip about their patients. But they might need to debrief and discuss their care and so is definitely perfectly possible that a lot more information than you would feel comfortable with could be passed on to the ex. Again she should be professional enough that that doesn't affect any relationship but it's still the case that she might know things you'd rather she didn't. Also if there's an emergency (and lots of things are potential emergencies) you wouldn't be able to guarantee that she would not be the person to attend that.
Honestly I think 40 minutes is no big deal. The overwhelming majority of first time mother's will be easily able to get to the hospital in time and the additional journey time is clearly outweighed in your mind by the benefits of not being around your dh's ex.
Fwiw there is no chance I would have chosen to labour and deliver at a hospital with colleagues or friends - some people are really comfortable with that and I've dealt with them in labour or after labour - but it wouldn't have happened with me. I think your team would absolutely understand.

[DiscoBadgers]

OP I work in maternity. There are about 200 midwives working on antenatal, postnatal and labour ward at my hospital. We deliver about 450 babies a month. I can guarantee you that we don’t take the time to discuss any cases in the staff room unless you have medical issues or swastikas tattooed on your labia or something. There is absolutely no chance of you being gossiped about.

That said, you need to feel comfortable so anytime reason at all to change your care so that you are happy is a valid reason.

[Sartre]

It’s obviously entirely your choice but I think the hospital was a 15 min drive from my house when I was in Labour and it was really uncomfortable contracting in the car. I don’t think I’d want to do it for 40 minutes, longer if there’s any traffic at all. Some babies are delivered very quickly too, I wouldn’t want to risk giving birth in the car!

I think you could request not to have her as your midwife, there should be enough on shift to ensure this happens. I’d speak to your community midwife and ask.

[Boymum1005]

Once you’re in established labour you’ll just want to get to the nearest hospital, you will be wishing you’d chosen the local one 10 minutes into that 40 minute drive! First baby so I understand your logic completely but spontaneous labour will throw you, no matter how prepared you feel. Water keeps gushing with every contraction- you’ll want to be in the car for as LITTLE time as possible 😬 if you can get booked in for an induction and go to the hospital ahead of time then definitely go for the one where you’re more relaxed though! That might be your best option - talk through your anxiety with your community midwife and they may be able to arrange this for you x

[Letitmow]

If you're going to be uncomfortable worrying about it then go to the hospital that is further away. Many womens closest hospital is that far away anyway!

[Didjesuspoop]

I’m in exactly the same situation as you and you have to do what makes you comfortable. Personally, I’m kinda comforted knowing that in an emergency I have someone to advocate for me/have my back because I know that despite our differences she always would. It can be nice having a familiar face in a vulnerable situation! And although at handover etc parts of your birth/care may be discussed, they are professionals and there will be no gossiping. This is the most vulnerable you will probably ever be in your life though so you have to do what makes you feel most relaxed and you have the final say in that, NOT your husband! X

[Badgirlriri]

@Nobabyno

I think my issue with it is (and potentially just my brain going into overdrive), the midwife looking after me good be her best mate, I don't want my birth or anything getting discussed over coffee with my husband's ex in the break room 😂 or even if she's not directly involved in the birth, she may still be on the ward and things and I just wouldn't feel comfortable having her walking around whilst I'm in such a (potential) state iyswim

From experience that absolutely would happen so I would rather go to the other hospital too.

[Badgirlriri]

@DiscoBadgers

OP I work in maternity. There are about 200 midwives working on antenatal, postnatal and labour ward at my hospital. We deliver about 450 babies a month. I can guarantee you that we don’t take the time to discuss any cases in the staff room unless you have medical issues or swastikas tattooed on your labia or something. There is absolutely no chance of you being gossiped about.

That said, you need to feel comfortable so anytime reason at all to change your care so that you are happy is a valid reason.

That’s not true. People can easily ask or look at labour ward board/handover sheets if they’re nosey. It happens all the time where I work.

[Yabbadubba]

I voted AIBU because the baby’s safety, your comfort and logistics are so much more important, although YANBU for being “worried”.

[newbiename]

@Nobabyno

You can't go into labour feeling inhibited, threatened, embarrassed

Thank you. Embarrassed is definitely one of the biggest things. I know I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about logically but can anyone really say they'd be fine with their husband's exes best friend or similar seeing all of that, knowing they could be potentially discussing you?

Id feel uncomfortable and awkward through the whole thing.

How would you be threatened ?
Btw -I think go wherever you feel comfortable

[hewouldwouldnthe]

If the situation was rushed with the birth, having to travel long distances for care is absurd. Ideally you would labour at home until your contractions were close together and a quick hop to the hospital. I would not like a 40 minute drive in city traffic while in full labour. You won't see the ex.

[Crumpledegg]

I personally would go for the further away hospital. It would mean you're less likely to be worrying about it. That said, there's a chance she might not even be on shift. Go with your gut. And for those saying about 40 mins being too far, my nearest hospital is that away and I never gave birth in the car for any of my babies!

[DiscoBadgers]

@Badgirlriri really? Because it literally never happens where I work - if it’s someone we know and like, we might pop our head round to say hello and ask if they need anything, but there’s no time for gossiping about anyone, nor would anyone particularly want to. Do you work in a small unit?

[Heyjoewhatdoyouknow]

I understand why you'd want to go to a different hospital.

But to have the comfort of knowing you are only 10 mins from your hospital would sway it for me. You just never know what might happen and if you're lucky to be so close, I'd take advantage of it.

Something else to consider is if you have to stay for any period of time and your partner needs to come and go. 10 mins would be a lot easier than 40.

[BeanieTeen]

Honestly I think 40 minutes is no big deal. The overwhelming majority of first time mother's will be easily able to get to the hospital in time and the additional journey time is clearly outweighed in your mind by the benefits of not being around your dh's ex.

I think so too, 40 minutes is standard for many people. Not everyone lives right near a big town or city with a maternity ward 10 minutes down the road.
My first labour was 5 hours which is seen as pretty short. I’d planned to give birth in my nearest birthing centre, 20 minute drive, because the hospital is 45 minutes away - that meant the option of an epidural would be out the window but I decided it was worth the shorter journey time. My waters broke in the night out of nowhere, 2 weeks before my due date, called the midwife, took about half an hour for me and DH to get our heads together before we managed to leave the house, drove to the birthing centre, barely dilating got told to go home again, within about 10 minutes of getting home had really strong contractions so back we went, was there for a bit then started bleeding and monitored for a while before midwife said this is no good we’ll have to call you an ambulance to take you to the hospital, so waited for ambulance, drove in ambulance to the hospital, started pushing when I got there and DS arrived about 45 minutes later (didn’t feel like 45 minutes, felt like forever - pushing is hard work.)
What I’m saying is, even though 5 hours is a relatively short labour, a lot can happen in that time. The chances of being in labour for less than 3 for your first baby are extremely low. Even if you were lucky enough to have just a two hour labour, that’s still plenty of time to get to the hospital in 40 minutes. Even if you get the urge to push in the car, baby will not just fly out. If only it was that easy 😂
I really don’t see why driving 40 minutes to the hospital is seen as such a big logistical issue by so many people here. If it makes you feel more at ease I’d go for that option OP.

[sweeetpotatoes]

I had a choice of two hospitals and both were 20-30 minutes drive depending on the time of day/traffic.

Most people get to hospital with hours to spare.

I would go to the hospital your partners ex wife isn't working at.

Ultimately there is always the absolute tiniest minuscule chance she could be on shift and need to step in at any moment.

You can state that you don't want get involved and that should be respected, but what about in an emergency elsewhere on the ward or if there is a staff shortage, or your midwife needs a second opinion or some support and she's the only one available?

I would just rather go to the hospital that there is no risk and therefore no stress in the run up to the birth.

[luckyrabbits]

I would go for the close one, I had a 45 min drive to our hospital and it was total hell whilst having contractions.