Is it petty or reasonable to not want to give birth in this hospital for this reason?

[Nobabyno]

I'm pregnant with our first child and me and DH were discussing where I'd give birth.

There is a smaller hospital quite close to us (10 min drive) which has a good maternity unit, alternatively there is a hospital around 40 mins away which is also good (city centre very large hospital).

This is where my AIBU comes in!

My husband's ex is a midwife at the local hospital! They have a child together, my step child. We do get on okay, she knows about the pregnancy even and has always been perfectly pleasant toward me. I'm not her hugest fan for a couple of reasons but all in all we rub along very well.

I've told DH there's no way I want to go there to give birth and want to go to the other hospital because of this. He thinks I'm being silly. She wouldn't be able to be my midwife anyway because of the connection (don't know how true that is but I'm sure she'd request not to be anyway!) so there's no big deal.

It doesn't matter to me though, I'm nervous as it is. The last thing I want is it playing on my mind that she will be there or whoever my midwife is ends up being her friend or something. It's a vulnerable time and I just don't want the stress of it.

It's not a big deal to go to the other hospital but is he right, would you find this silly or reason?

YABU - it doesn't matter.

YANBU - I'd hate it too and go somewhere else!

YANBU, go to the bigger hospital. I had a choice of hospitals - the nearest was five mins away, I went for the one that was 30 mins away and that's where I had DC1. Lots of women are even further away 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would feel the same as you if I were in this situation.

Also, for a first baby in a low risk pregnancy, homebirth is statistically as safe as hospital birth. Delivering in an obstetric led unit increases your risk of instrumental birth and c sections. So a bigger consultant led unit is NOT always the safest option.
obviously this varies for high risk pregnancies.

I gave birth a few weeks ago and one of the midwives who delivered my baby was a friend of mine. She asked me if I was OK having her there, I said yes but if I refused they would have found someone else so it's fine to do that. However I can see that even just the idea of the ex being around somewhere might cause you anxiety that you really don't need so it's understandable that you'd want to go elsewhere.

Your DH does not get to decide this, you do. Nor - and this is very important- does he get to tell you that you’re being. ‘silly’.
You need to be as happy as you possibly can be. Any form of stress is not good. I would also personally always go for the larger unit but I was fortunate to live ten minutes away from Liverpool women’s. A friend of mine gave birth there despite living very close to Arrowe park on the Wirral because she always felt looked after during earlier treatment at the LWH so she was prepared to deal with potential Mersey tunnel delays.

Actually it’s about the mother and baby’s safety, not just the baby’s.

OP, I kind of understand where you’re coming from. This is one of the most, if not the most, vulnerable time in your life. You want to feel as secure as possible and if you have other options that make you feel that, go for it. It’s up to you, not your husband, and it makes little to no difference to him anyway.

I understand what you mean.

I’m a midwife and my ex and his new gf had a baby where I work.

I obviously didn’t look after her but every woman on the ward is discussed at handover so yes I was aware of some stuff about her such as mode of birth and some issues afterwards. I also saw her quite a few times on the ward as she was walking around.

however there was no gossiping, etc. but I can still see your view.

I don’t know where I would personally land on this question if I were in your shoes. But one thing I would consider in my decision is the benefits to knowing someone in the department. You have the drawbacks covered, but do you think she might be helpful in that situation?

You know her and are friendly. Would she advocate for you if needed? Be a friendly face in a strange environment? Be a resource if you needed it?

like I said, I understand where you are coming from and would feel similar but wanted to offer a stranger looking in perspective.

Obviously aim to do what you feel comfortable doing, but if you do end up there and she's there, well you're all family. Seeing as you rub along OK it's possible that would be an ok experience. It's not at in stone that it would definitely be a bad one. Askari she's likely got some feelings about you possibly being there too.

The most important thing is that you should feel secure and relaxed. Nobody else should tell you otherwise.

Yeah, I’m with you on that one. I wouldn’t want to give birth where my partner’s ex works either. It took us 40 minutes to get to hospital (the closest to us) when I gave birth, so I suppose I don’t see it as a big deal.

He he thinks you’re being silly does he? Well he’s not the one giving birth, so he can fuck off.

You have every right to prioritise your sense of calm and security during your birth experience.

Go to the one you feel most comfortable with. Pregnancy, especially first time pregnancy, is such an anxious time as it is. You should do whatever it takes to feel comfortable, if that means choosing the other hospital then so be it.

They're midwives, they deliver babies, they see Fanjos of all shapes, sizes, colours & decorations. What do you think is so special about you that she's going to be discussing you unfavourably with her colleagues in the staff room?

seriously, when it comes to the birth, all you'll care about is getting the baby out safely, they won't be commenting that you clearly dye your hair or whatever.

if she wasn't a midwife at either, which hospital would you choose. If both have good 'emergency' options & good outcomes, I'd choose the closest one. The smallest one, where you're more likely to get better care.

still the birth is your experience and YOU get to choose

I am thinking along the lines of @saltinesandcoffeecups it could be a more positive experience having her there!

Not unreasonable at all. You should give birth in the place you feel most comfortable.

Do bear in mind though that you might not get the choice on the day. If the bigger maternity department is full you could get sent to the other one. Worth finding out how likely this is in your area, it’s not uncommon where I live. I suspect that once you are actually in labour you won’t care so much so try not to worry!

You give birth where you want!

YANBU, I would feel the same as you OP.

I had a patient of mine (I work in mental health and saw this woman a few times when she was in crisis) assist a midwife briefly during my induction of labour and I was actually glad of the COVID mask because she didn't recognise me but I felt so awkward!

You need to feel comfortable during labour and tbh even if it was a good friend of mine I wouldn't want them on the ward while I'm giving birth! 40 mins to a hospital doesn't seem too far to travel. If it was an emergency you would have to go to the closest one anyway.

You're giving birth. Your comfort matters. He doesn't get to decide what's 'silly'.

If they were short staffed you could end up getting her.. they'd be nothing you could do.

I do think it's silly to opt to go further than necessary. I'd have had all of my children in the car if I'd had to go that far!

I chose to go to the hospital 40 minutes away because I felt more comfortable there —- safety, there were issues at the slightly closet hospital. And it was no big deal. But I wasn’t in labour on the way there, I had to be induced —- but the drive back was not an issue! I sat in the back with baby. DP drove very carefully!

I was grateful for the care and support I received at the hospital for what ended up as a difficult birth. It was the right choice as I felt more comfortable there and the midwives & the whole team were amazing.

The real issue here IMO is not what happens on the day, but how you feel now.

If the thought of going to the local one is causing anxiety already, then can it from the plan.

Maybe even consider staying at home? Perhaps contact a doula?

Whatever happens on the day will happen, you can't predict everything, but make a plan that you are happy with.

I agree I would feel uneasy about that but 40mins away is a long way because if that happens to be rush hour then that’s going to be way more than 40mins. That’s another layer of stress that you also don’t need.

Our nearest hospital is 45 minutes away - and I don’t live in the middle of nowhere. There are 5 sizeable towns within 5 to 20 minutes of me but none have a hospital with an A and E or maternity ward. It’s pretty standard for many. We have two birthing centres a little closer, but for those who want an epidural it’s not an option to go there. And if there even minor signs of complications you still have to be transferred to the hospital.
I don’t think being 40 minutes away is a big deal at all. If you’re more comfortable with that, go for it. Although I highly doubt this lady will be in any way involved in your care, especially if you talk about your concerns beforehand.

I personally dont see a problem with the local hospital, and the local hospital will have many advantages, especially if you are in and dh goes home for a sleep and needs to get back quickly, or wants to nip home for something.

But if you do have a problem with it, it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.

You lose all dignity when having a baby so i can definitely see why you wouldn't want partner's ex to be anywhere near.

@Greensleeves how was @Toottooot being unkind?

I could understand not wanting her H’s Ex being present at the birth (which would be unlikely) but avoiding anyone who could be connected to his Ex is some serious overthinking.

OP, do what you want to do but I personally would prioritise the Hospital that was closer for obvious reasons. In the end