Is it petty or reasonable to not want to give birth in this hospital for this reason?

[Nobabyno]

I'm pregnant with our first child and me and DH were discussing where I'd give birth.

There is a smaller hospital quite close to us (10 min drive) which has a good maternity unit, alternatively there is a hospital around 40 mins away which is also good (city centre very large hospital).

This is where my AIBU comes in!

My husband's ex is a midwife at the local hospital! They have a child together, my step child. We do get on okay, she knows about the pregnancy even and has always been perfectly pleasant toward me. I'm not her hugest fan for a couple of reasons but all in all we rub along very well.

I've told DH there's no way I want to go there to give birth and want to go to the other hospital because of this. He thinks I'm being silly. She wouldn't be able to be my midwife anyway because of the connection (don't know how true that is but I'm sure she'd request not to be anyway!) so there's no big deal.

It doesn't matter to me though, I'm nervous as it is. The last thing I want is it playing on my mind that she will be there or whoever my midwife is ends up being her friend or something. It's a vulnerable time and I just don't want the stress of it.

It's not a big deal to go to the other hospital but is he right, would you find this silly or reason?

YABU - it doesn't matter.

YANBU - I'd hate it too and go somewhere else!

[Redead]

I mean obviously they would avoid her being your midwife but hospitals have emergency staffing shortages all the time. If she’s the last OB standing then there is a high possibility she might end up being forced to help you and you won’t be in a position to say no. Being in a different hospital prevents this.

[crabcakesalad]

@Peashoots you called a clearly traumatised woman "vile" in a personal attack = Bullying.

Pot kettle black

[Peashoots]

@unbreakbroken

Childbirth is messy and undignified, and it makes you highly vulnerable.

Your alternative plan doesn't compromise your or your baby's safety and would make you feel a million times more comfortable, so your DH can get in the bin if he thinks his feelings are more important than yours.

It doesn't matter if his ex would come nowhere near you. The fact that you would be worrying about it is enough justification for you to want to go elsewhere.

I mean, a friend's fear of spiders might not be the most rational thing, but you wouldn't go wave a spider in front of her now, would you? Feelings are what they are, and any woman in labour gets to have her feelings taken seriously.

Agree with all of this.
hope this thread has helped and reassured you, op 💐

[KarmaStar]

Bear in mind baby may make the decision for you by making a hurried / early appearance so try to mentally prepare yourself for this although to be honest,by that stage you may not care who the midwife is.
wishing you and baby a safe birth either way.💐

[Peashoots]

@crabcakesalad bullying! Get a grip. I called her out on a nasty comment which was deleted so clearly I wasn’t the only one.
i agree there are great HCP and bad ones, it’s the nature of any organisation so large. What isn’t helpful is tarring an entire profession with the same brush, in a thread where the op is clearly worried about who she will be seen by anyway.

[unbreakbroken]

Childbirth is messy and undignified, and it makes you highly vulnerable.

Your alternative plan doesn't compromise your or your baby's safety and would make you feel a million times more comfortable, so your DH can get in the bin if he thinks his feelings are more important than yours.

It doesn't matter if his ex would come nowhere near you. The fact that you would be worrying about it is enough justification for you to want to go elsewhere.

I mean, a friend's fear of spiders might not be the most rational thing, but you wouldn't go wave a spider in front of her now, would you? Feelings are what they are, and any woman in labour gets to have her feelings taken seriously.

[ChsmpagneWannaBe]

You definitely can decide which hospital you want to birth at.

[Alfixnm]

YANBU OP.

I chose a big hospital an hour away vs. a small hospital 10 minutes away in my local town. My reasons were the better reputation of the big hospital; and, should my baby have needed NICU care, we would have stayed together rather than my baby being sent to a different hospital.

So, different reasoning to you, but if my husband's ex had been working in my local maternity hospital that would have made me intensely uncomfortable too!

It doesn't matter the reason; being stressed for ANY reason in labour is known to lower oxytocin levels and slow/inhibit labour; which means you have a greater chance of needing interventions from the get go. It just makes sense to give birth in a place where you will feel automatically more relaxed.

Plus, you are already (presumably several months in advance?) stressing about this situation NOW - so if choosing the further away hospital saves you several months of stress during your pregnancy, then that is another very good reason to choose the big hospital and relax about it!

And it's not just about avoiding that person in labour. I spent several days in a boiling hot postnatal ward, establishing BF, with boobs akimbo, and I was a sweaty, hormonal, teary mess. It was a vulnerable time. I felt a LOT better about going through this in front of anonymous professional strangers rather than the added worry of which midwife was going to walk in on top of me.

As for your husband, he needs to imagine being in a similar scenario with your ex being a HCP treating him for some intimate nether-region related issue... erectile dysfunction etc... he would see your point pretty quickly. His opinion just doesn't count here I'm afraid.

[Hesma]

Honestly I don’t understand why you have an issue with it but if you feel more comfortable going to the other hospital then that is what you should do. Having said that my labour with DD was only 36 minutes so I’d have given birth in the car!

[crabcakesalad]

@Peashoots

Sadistic bullies? Horrible. Awful thing to say. What did you hope to add to the thread? Do you think your response reassured the op or helped her to make a decision? Was it said in kindness?

Says the person now doing the bullying.

The fact is (in defence of @GinIronic) midwives and doctors are HUMAN BEINGS. Therefore you'll meet some amazing ones and some awful sadistic ones. There are maternity units up and down the country that has been subject to investigations where bullying and "poor working
cultures" have been cited as contributions to poor care (see Ockenden etc).

The thing is with humans is they can be brilliant at there job and also prone to gossip and have other faults. IME I have met some awful hcps who quite frankly seem to live for power and control and some truly amazing ones. And many wonderful caring ones trapped in a crappy system called the NHS.

Now get a grip and allow the thread to return to the OP.

[Peashoots]

Sadistic bullies? Horrible. Awful thing to say. What did you hope to add to the thread? Do you think your response reassured the op or helped her to make a decision? Was it said in kindness?

[GinIronic]

“IME midwives are”

[Peashoots]

@PeachPRC

What’s that got to do with anything?

Precisely. Just an excuse to have a dig.

[Peashoots]

You didn’t say anything about the midwives that looked after you, you said “midwives are…” which implies all.
don’t backpedal.

[GinIronic]

Apologies for the unfortunate hijack OP.

[GinIronic]

@Peashoots I didn’t mention the NHS, I didn’t say my experience was in this country and I didn’t say “all midwives”.

[PeachPRC]

@GinIronic

I did say that IME the midwives that looked after me were not very nice at all.

What’s that got to do with anything?

[GinIronic]

I did say that IME the midwives that looked after me were not very nice at all.

[Peashoots]

@GinIronic

I mentioned my birth experience wasn’t altogether positive.

Don’t lie. You made a vicious, nasty attack on an entire segment of the NHS workforce, making huge generalisations and generally just being vile about people who, in the majority, go to work under shitty difficult conditions, trying to do their best for the women in their care. Disgusting.

[GinIronic]

I mentioned my birth experience wasn’t altogether positive.

[Wouldloveanother]

@GinIronic what happened?

[GinIronic]

Oh my post has been deleted. Looks like I hit a nerve.

[bakewellbride]

First not guest!

[bakewellbride]

I had a second degree tear both times and I can't begin to tell you how painful sitting in the car for the half an hour journey was each time! I'd definitely go for the nearest hospital, I'm wincing at the thought of 40 mins in potential pain!

Also my friend had a very quick guest labour and a 40 min journey would've probably meant giving birth in the car.

You want the quickest journey trust me!

[iolaus]

You need to be where YOU feel safe and comfortable (and it sounds like thats not the local place)


I can see your point and would probably feel the same - however I remember once having a similar conversation with my husband (I'm a midwife) where he said if we split up and he had another child with another woman he'd want me to be the midwife and deliver - because he trusted me with his children (born and unborn, real and hypothetical).

I know that it was actually a compliment but still pointed out a new partner probably wouldn't like the idea (BTW we haven't split up and he had a vasectomy years ago so the situation never arose)