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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter getting married, husband invited 2 families to stay in our house

371 replies

CakeFiend8 · 24/08/2022 14:16

Am I being unreasonable to think that my husband inviting two families to stay in our house the week of our daughter's wedding is a bit much? To put it mildly.

The two families consist of his niece + husband + 2 children, and his sister-in-law and their two children. And no, we don't have any spare bedrooms, so my husband said we will give one family our bedroom while we sleep wherever there's a couch, and the other family will take the front room with a sofabed. Any other time, fine - but it's the week of our daughter's wedding which will surely be chaotic just waiting for the bathroom in the morning with 11 people in the house! I want to bury myself in a hole somewhere and cry...

It's adding to my daughter's anxiety, who is already stressed out with wedding plans, and me, as mother of the bride, I'm having kittens!

Please let me know if I'm over-reacting...

OP posts:
Watzzap · 24/08/2022 16:58

It’s all very well telling the op to book a hotel, but I would want to be in my own house, sleeping in my own bed! Things will be stressful enough as it is, without adding this in to the equation.

The OP’s (d)h is being a total arse. He needs to be given 2 options -

  1. He rescinds the offer to stay and sends them links to b&bs or hotels nearby.
  2. He doesn’t rescind the offer, in which case you will tell them when they arrive that they can’t stay (meaning they will then have to find somewhere else to stay, at the last minute)!

OP, should make it very clear, that these are the only options and that she will not be giving up her bed to anyone else!

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 24/08/2022 17:02

WendyAndDave · 24/08/2022 14:41

Madness. Tell your husband that he either books them into a hotel or you and DD will book into a hotel. It's the last thing you need. Also I would be mortified as a guest if I turned up to find that I had turfed the MOTB out of her bed!

I wouldn’t be so stupid as to assume it would be a good idea to stay with the bride’s parents!
Your DH is a idiot. I would book myself and my dd into a hotel and leave him to it.

RampantIvy · 24/08/2022 17:05

Given that the wedding is two months away they have left it very late to think about accommodation.

I agree that booking a hotel for you and your DD is the way forward if your husband won't budge.

How many bathrooms does your house have? Are these unwanted guests aware that they will be crammed in without sufficient amenities?

Thinkingblonde · 24/08/2022 17:07

CakeFiend8 · 24/08/2022 14:27

@LightandMomentary The wedding is at the end of October - there's still time to change things, but as they only speak Italian, my husband has to explain to them - but he's being stubborn as a mule, and not budging... 😭

Google translate is your friend. I’m sure anyone on here who knows the language, could draft a letter for you. I would if I could.

StaplesCorner · 24/08/2022 17:07

OP you must surely know this is wrong so I assume he is controlling. There must be more to the story than this? Why would you allow him to treat you this way? Are you scared of him?

Sswhinesthebest · 24/08/2022 17:09

Well your dh won’t budge, but neither will you so what does he propose you do.

LemonsOnSaleAgain · 24/08/2022 17:09

This is outrageous behaviour from your DH.

Book a hotel for you and your daughter. Then he can sleep on a couch and sort out all the relatives on his daughter's wedding day. His priorities are wrong.

Badger1970 · 24/08/2022 17:09

Why should the OP give up the chance to enjoy a last night with her DD at home? Hotels are often too hot/stuffy/noisy, you have to pack everything to take with you and you face a night in an unfamiliar bed so you probably won't sleep. I can't think of anywhere less I'd rather be than in my own home. It was lovely DD leaving our home for the last time as a single woman and I don't think OP should be robbed of that experience.

Nagado · 24/08/2022 17:09

OP, can you actually afford to rent a hotel room or Air B&B for a week? If not, then your only options are to tell him that he cancels (in front of you and your daughter) or you will contact them directly and tell them they cannot stay at your house.

And I’d have the right hump if I’d been invited to stay at someone’s house and they’d invited so many people I ended up sleeping on the landing and getting up at 3am to use the bathroom.

wordler · 24/08/2022 17:11

Book you and DD into a lovely hotel room. Have the hairdresser, bridesmaids etc come there in the morning.

You can have a wonderful last night bonding together as Mum and daughter before the wedding. A lovely girly getting ready session.

DH can sleep on a sofa and take care of all his relatives, get ready and then come to the hotel ahead of taking DD to wedding ceremony.

There's no way the bride and the MOB have to queue for the toilet on the morning of a wedding.

Also book a cleaner to take care of any cleaning needs in house before relatives arrive so you don't have to bother with it. And tell DH he is responsible for getting any food in.

ScruffMuffin · 24/08/2022 17:13

As nice as the hotel idea is, I don't think the OP should have to do it! Her 'D'H needs to cancel the guests, subito.

IfSheOnlyKnewThen · 24/08/2022 17:15

Book yourself & your daughter into a nice hotel for a couple of days/nights before the wedding so you can both have a nice break with room service/spa etc... if you want it.

Leave him to sleep on the sofa with his relatives.

Blossomtoes · 24/08/2022 17:16

ScruffMuffin · 24/08/2022 17:13

As nice as the hotel idea is, I don't think the OP should have to do it! Her 'D'H needs to cancel the guests, subito.

Well he’s not going to so her best plan is to remove herself and stay somewhere else. It’s not worth doing battle over stuff like this when there’s a simple alternative.

theonlygirl · 24/08/2022 17:20

DH needs to book his family into an Airbnb end of conversation. I agree with those who say that booking yourself into a hotel would just add stress, you need your stuff around you. I'm guessing he feels some kind family obligation to host? But even if you had the space this would be way too much to expect. It also seems crazy that anyone would accept such an offer. Maybe it's worth a direct dialogue to make sure they aren't trying to stay elsewhere and he is insisting. If its financial then pay for their Airbnb. Ridiculous.

Thatiswild · 24/08/2022 17:22

I stupidly let my bridesmaids come and stay in my mum’s house the night before my wedding and it meant there were 7 of us to get ready including my brother and girlfriend, mum, me and 3 bridesmaids, we didn’t need to leave till 2 and it was still a nightmare trying to get ready and really stressful for my mum she told me a long time afterwards, I really regret it and actually wish I’d booked us all somewhere the night before with my mum and chilled. I know my mum didn’t enjoy my wedding as she’d had so little sleep and because it was hard having so many ransoms there.

So the choices for your husband - either you and your dd stay in a cottage somewhere which means you can relax and spend time together and get ready calmly and enjoy it and he hosts the randoms or he does the sensible thing and explains that having thought about the sheer number of people trying to get ready for a wedding and kids everywhere when your daughter is the bride, he needs them to stay elsewhere. Make it clear you are not doing any hosting as you will be helping dd prepare, also talk to your dd about how important it is to her to be in her family home the night before - she might love the idea of being just with you elsewhere!

Melassa · 24/08/2022 17:22

If you need a message in Italian I can help. Seeing as you’d be writing to women I would say something like this (with the emphasis on thinking of their comfort). I assume he hasn’t told them they’d be slumming it on a sofa? Italians really don’t do camping past the age of about 20.

Ciao ….
so che X vi ha invitati a casa nostra per il matrimonio di nostra figlia, ma come molti uomini non ha riflettuto. Purtroppo non abbiamo una camera per gli ospiti, quindi non ci sarebbe lo spazio per ospitarvi comodamente e rischiate di trovare tutto molto scomodo. Per una maggiore vostra comodità propongo un albergo, oppure un Airbnb, nelle vicinanze e sarei ben lieta di aiutarvi a trovarlo.

if your husband wants to pay for a hotel he can book it for them, you would only eventually point them in the right direction. Depending on how touchy he is you could possibly leave out the part that says “like many men he’s not thought it through”. The women will understand though and you would create instant solidarity.

badbaduncle · 24/08/2022 17:23

Malie · 24/08/2022 14:33

The guy is a plonker. Just tell him that you and your daughter will be moving to a hotel and giving him the bill as you can’t cope with the guests he’s invited.

☝️this

ScruffMuffin · 24/08/2022 17:25

Blossomtoes · 24/08/2022 17:16

Well he’s not going to so her best plan is to remove herself and stay somewhere else. It’s not worth doing battle over stuff like this when there’s a simple alternative.

Show quote history

Well yes, but that is going to cost £££ and all because her DH won't grow a backbone. I'd happily help the OP to compose an email.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 24/08/2022 17:25

Why would you give up your bedroom?? At the very least make it clear to your DH that his guests will sleep on the sofas downstairs!
But even without the bedroom part, I would say no.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/08/2022 17:26

Bugger that! Book yourself into a hotel, OP - let him do it all, including making up sofa beds, changing sheets, etc.

ScruffMuffin · 24/08/2022 17:33

Melassa's message is good!

Crunchingleaf · 24/08/2022 17:34

Is your daughter getting ready in your house. You guys will be busy that morning making sure all the last few bits are all done. You guys will need quiet time before leaving for the venue. Not freaking out about whether you will get a chance to get into the bathroom before you leave.
Honestly OP either contact them yourself or else advise him you will not be hosting or giving up your bedroom and stick to it. It’s a long day and you will need to sleep the night before.

Oriunda · 24/08/2022 17:34

Hippee · 24/08/2022 15:23

When we went to an Italian wedding 20 years ago, we were told that it is often tradition for the family to pay for the guests' accommodation - perhaps this is what your husband is thinking? Maybe ask him why he thinks it would be a good idea? Then find a way to either accommodate them or yourselves elsewhere.

Married to an Italian. Organising our wedding nearly broke me. It might also be a cultural thing; your husband won't want to tell his relatives to get a hotel as he'd be seen as losing face. Plus, he might see them as 'family' as opposed to just you and DD being his family, hence not prioritising you (that's certainly how my DH acts).

When we married, we paid for our guests' hotel accommodation; a tradition we were expected to follow. Your husband might be trying to save money by asking them to stay, as otherwise he might feel he needs to pay. Any other Italian relatives coming, or just them?

Whilst you could go to them directly, I'd imagine your husband will majorly kick off when he discovers this and I'm guessing this isn't what you need so close to the wedding. Could your DD speak to him instead, and appeal to his fatherly nature? Lots of tears etc?

Not approving/condoning btw; just explaining what it could possibly be.

Krakinou · 24/08/2022 17:34

I bet the family have no idea about the arrangements. DP and I once went to a wedding in Tunisia. The groom, DPs friend, told us not to worry about accommodation etc, he had sorted it all. Turned out there were about 20 of us crammed into 2 tiny unfinished apartments that didn’t even have cutlery or cooking equipment. The only places to eat anywhere nearby were fried chicken shops and there was no food at all served at the whole 3-day wedding. I think the brides dad had bought the apartments with plans to do up and convert to Airbnb. There was one bathroom between us all and it had no lock and a glass door. It was awful.

I wish the groom had just told us to get our own accommodation. It wouldn’t have been a problem, but once we got there it was too late to organize something different. We’d spent a fair bit of money on the flights and used 10 days annual leave and it was miserable. We stayed 4 days but left and went to a hotel straight after the wedding instead of staying for the planned shared “holiday” because I’d had enough and wanted to salvage the holiday time we had left.

Sadly I think it damaged DPs friendship with his friend who was pretty offended. He’s a nice guy, just an idiot. So maybe like your husband?

I hope for their sake your husband comes to his senses, but if not definitely get a hotel for the week. He’s made his couch so let him lie in it.

DreamingofNuneaton · 24/08/2022 17:36

comedycentral · 24/08/2022 14:33

Get a hotel and he can suit himself if he enjoys playing host so much.

Definitely this. Check you and your daughter in to the hotel and he can entertain them. I expect he was planning that you did all the entertaining/ cooking/ cleaning too, so he can do it.