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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:09

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LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:10

While it's a totally different subject in a way; this reminds me a little of a poster on here who was seeing a guy (no kids together I think thankfully) and they watched the deadliest catch or something similar together and someone recounted a very sad and awful story of how a Dad and son drowned in the sea together after an accident, and her partner looked across at her, with an amused, speculative expression and said "wonder who h one had to watch the other die first".

She naturally was unnerved, disgusted and mind boggled by his way of thinking, his total lack of empathy etc. She came on here for perspectives. I don't know if she ended the relationship or not.

When someone is like this, no right minded person can be comfortable with them.

My partner has many faults bit he would never ever in a month of Sundays say the sorts of things your partner did.

I'm v sorry op.

You're pretty young. You've been with him from very young. Sometimes you don't realise what someone is like til the long-term.

LordNelsonsPigStatues · 23/08/2022 17:11

There was a horrific crime here years ago where a pregnant 18 year old days away from giving birth was violently raped, stabbed repeatedly and then set on fire. I knew her mother and wasn’t much older myself at the time, and was really upset on learning about it. My dad asked what was wrong and I told him and he just replied ‘Probably some tart shagging someone she shouldn’t have been and upset someone’

Ive never felt the same about him ever since, and he had form for appalling opinions before that. What’s that saying? When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Plumnora · 23/08/2022 17:11

Bless you. I have to say I would struggle with this and it makes me feel glad I’m on my own now, and don’t have to deal with insensitive, controlling men any more. What I find the most worrisome is his utter disregard for your feelings and the fact that rather than address this with you he’s choosing to sulk and give you the silent treatment (which is itself a form of bullying). And that’s not including his attitude to such a terrible crime and his apparent lack of empathy for the woman and her daughter.
I appreciate he’s probably not a bad person but sorry, I don’t think he’s a great one either. I assume he knows about your own trauma? And if he does then honestly I’d be questioning if you want to be with someone like this.
It’s not a little niggle, it’s a huge part of you and the fact that he’s ignoring such a significant event from your past and not even realising why you’d be so upset at this news story suggests that isn’t valuing you as he should be. But even if you hadn’t experienced sexual violence, his whole attitude towards a violent attack on a vulnerable woman and child is disturbing. Especially as he has a daughter of his own.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:12

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Ah, your true colours are showing...a rape survivor saying her daughter's rape would be a parent's worst nightmare is a 'ridiculous' view, eh? That is sticking the boot in, if you didn't already know.

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:12

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Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:13

^ to @chinesefortea (since they've been humiliatingly cancelled)

SplendidUtterly · 23/08/2022 17:14

Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:06

Playing devil's advocate and chuckling about a child's response to a violent rape when you know full well that you're talking to a rape survivor is beyond normal shittiness. It's really fucking sick.

This.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:14

Is Chinese , Slappers' new name.

This is like that game where you have to bop wee nasty characters on the head.

Maytodecember · 23/08/2022 17:15

“I've told him he is part of the problem,”
Agree and with his attitude he’s a big part of the problem.
Can you continue to live with a man like this?

TattoedLady · 23/08/2022 17:15

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He laughed at the thought of a child, a child that had been raped and forced to watch her mother being raped, now sleeping with a hammer under her bed for protection. That is absolutely minimising, in the context of OPs own rape experience.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 17:15

Maybe ask for this thread to be deleted OP, it’s attracting some really vicious, sick replies.

Alphbetsoup · 23/08/2022 17:16

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Octomore · 23/08/2022 17:16

LordNelsonsPigStatues · 23/08/2022 17:11

There was a horrific crime here years ago where a pregnant 18 year old days away from giving birth was violently raped, stabbed repeatedly and then set on fire. I knew her mother and wasn’t much older myself at the time, and was really upset on learning about it. My dad asked what was wrong and I told him and he just replied ‘Probably some tart shagging someone she shouldn’t have been and upset someone’

Ive never felt the same about him ever since, and he had form for appalling opinions before that. What’s that saying? When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Oh wow, this is just horrible.

I have known men make similar comments and I agree - they are showing you exactly who they are. What you do with the information is then up to you, but a wise woman will mentally distance herself from a man like that.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:16

Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 17:15

Maybe ask for this thread to be deleted OP, it’s attracting some really vicious, sick replies.

No, op needs perspectives and support.

Her partner is gas lighting her.

Fuck the trolls.

Were more than capable of getting rid of them.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:16

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:14

Is Chinese , Slappers' new name.

This is like that game where you have to bop wee nasty characters on the head.

Probably logged into two devices with two different usernames, the saddo.

lemmein · 23/08/2022 17:17

This is a bizarre thread. I'm so sorry it has been overtaken by misogynists OP; never seen such a quick round up of obvious MRAS/incels ever - I can only assume your thread was linked on ihatewomen.com or suchlike.

SpinCityBlues · 23/08/2022 17:17

Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 17:15

Maybe ask for this thread to be deleted OP, it’s attracting some really vicious, sick replies.

It feels like some sort of set-up.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 17:17

Although actually why should you have to? Just fucking ban these pop up pricks.

DarkDayforMN · 23/08/2022 17:20

Ignore the people saying you're projecting as well as the more obviously vicious bastards OP, they're just the same kind of gaslighting fucks.

Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 17:22

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Heaven forbid she be argumentative eh? Silly little woman.
Fuck. Off.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:23

People are really latching onto my partner agreeing the man is sick. But he was only conceding this after I pointed it out, like "of course the man is sick, but he still only did it to go back to prison". I don't feel like he understands the enormity of the situation. I don't think he showed any empathy. He didn't have to go on about him wanting to go back to prison (which by the way makes no sense if you know anything about rape conviction rates or the man's behaviour which shows he did not want to get caught). He could have just said, that's awful and reassured me. And that would have been the conversation over and done with. I wasn't picking an argument, I suffer with PTSD and there were elements in this case that both reminded me of my own trauma, I was that young girl once upon a time, and in a way I still am. And the thought of that happening to my daughter, with me there unable to do anything about it, is earth shattering.

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 23/08/2022 17:24

You’re right, it must have been linked to an incel or MRA site, I’m so sorry OP.

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 17:24

Posters saying you were argumentative, you pushed it, you were determined to make him agree etc. - bull, fucking, shit.

You reacted with natural surprise, frustration, anger and confusion at his responses to you speaking about the case.

His only concession to any kind of normality was calling the man sick (?), Aside from that he focused on the - ridiculous theory that he was motivated by getting back into prison... Then laughed at the hammer thing and said it was because of a video you now know to be extremely violent and horrific.

No sane ,well adjusted person would have reacted to those things with "ok then".

SunnyD44 · 23/08/2022 17:24

YANBU

This reminds me of the man who tied the mum up and raped her son and daughter.
It’s beyond disgusting.

Not only is it breaking into someone home, it’s all raping and being a peado - add to the sick twisted shit of making the others watch.
It is the lowest of the low and I’m so happy that prisoners hate rapists and child abusers.

Your DH may have been so shocked that he couldn’t grasp the concept of it or needed to make a joke out of it because the truth was too hard to bare.

If he genuinely feels this way then the relationship would be over for me.

It sounds awful but I’d rather someone killed my DD quickly, rather than put her through the torture of rape and make her live with that for the rest of her life.