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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely sickened by my DP for this (TW - sexual assault)

330 replies

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 15:41

There was a news article yesterday about a mother and 14 year old daughter who were raped by a man who forced his way into their home and they were forced to watch each other being raped. He is a very dangerous man and had not long come out of prison, he had 42 criminal convictions iirc.

Here is one of the articles: /uk-news/2022/aug/22/cardiff-burglar-raped-woman-and-her-daughter-days-after-release-from-prison

I was naturally appalled and upset reading about it. I am a victim of rape and sexual violence myself, and I also have a young daughter, so it really got to me and I found it distressing to read.

It had been on my mind and then I told my partner (and father of our daughter) about it today. When I mentioned he had just come out of prison and the number of offences, he said the man just wanted to go back to prison. I couldn't believe he actually said that! I said only a sick, twisted individual would do something like that, and they wouldn't do it just to go back to prison, they would do it for the enjoyment of it and because of a deep hatred for women and girls. I said if you just wanted to go back to prison, you don't do that to a mother and daughter and traumatise them for life, you just don't, you would steal or something like that. And the fact he forced them to watch each other is just twisted, he clearly enjoyed it. He was also enraged the daughter called the police and he lied to the police and insisted they were sluts who lured him into their home, it seemed he didn't want to get caught. My partner said he's not saying he's not a sick man to do that, but he did that rather than a minor offence to guarantee a longer sentence! Ffs.

I was telling him how the mother and daughter can't even return to the same home, and the daughter who is a CHILD is sleeping with a hammer under her bed! And then my partner chuckled! I was so mad, I said what are you laughing for, what's so funny! He said he's not laughing at it, it's just the hammer. I asked what's so funny about the hammer, he said it made him think of three guys, one hammer. I said I didn't know what he's going on about, but it's just not funny and it's sick he could laugh as the idea of the young girl being so frightened and traumatised she has to sleep with a hammer under her bed is upsetting. Afterwards I did Google three guys one hammer and now I am even more sickened, there is nothing remotely funny about it. It is two serial killers who murdered people including women, and they uploaded a video online of them murdering a man with a hammer titled three guys one hammer. What is so funny about that, and how would the mere mention of a hammer make him think of that! I have asked him since and he is refusing to talk to me and giving me silent treatment.

What's more, when I said this is a parent's worst nightmare, he simply said it's not though because a parent's worst nightmare would be their child dying, not being raped. Clearly missing my point and doesn't quite see how fucking awful and world ending these situations are for people involved.

After I finished telling him about what had happened, he was like "so is that it then?" What does he mean is that it then?!

I am just so pissed off. I've told him he is part of the problem, that it is all men, that he is a misogynist just like the rest, that men clearly just hate women and don't see us as real people and his attitude says it all. He told me I am despicable and make things worse for women by saying stuff like that.

I said to him if I told people what he said and his reaction to what happened to this poor mother and her daughter, they would be appalled. He's said go on then, so here I am sharing this and asking AIBU?

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 23/08/2022 16:57

Some men find sexual/violent attacks or threats of them funny. There was one on here just yesterday.

All I can say is people don't really change. Best you can do is socialise him (like a dog, although most dogs are appealing) not to let on how appalling it is, but you won't stop him from secretly finding it a source of lolz.

It's your choice what to do with that information. I couldn't love him.

picklemewalnuts · 23/08/2022 16:58

@dpshownhistruecolours would finding a middle way to think about it be helpful for you?

I really empathise with your upset. I've never found partner's response to sexual abuse news/my history adequate.

Could he be excellent at compartmentalising? So he knows it's awful, but rather than dwell on it boxes it up and changes the subject- humour, or how unreasonable you are not to move on.

It's still inadequate, but slightly less depraved than your current fears.

Do you still have access to counselling? I'd find this really distressing and want some support with processing it.

I hope you manage to feel better soon. Flowers

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 16:58

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TerrysGotPeeves · 23/08/2022 16:58

"He has no sexual history in his 48 offenses".

Well I'm sure that's a tremendous comfort to the mother and daughter that he raped. Oh wait, probably not, as knowing that doesn't un-rape them.

For fucks sake, what exactly is it that you are defending here, @SlappersAndFuiters ?

Mybumlooksbig · 23/08/2022 16:59

Your dp sounds like a prick
Yanbu

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:00

abcdeg · 23/08/2022 16:56

Absolutely.

3 guys one hammer was beyond vile and evil. He sounds like an absolute shot head psycho to think that's funny.

(Besides the point, I don't know why you needed to clarify that it 'included women', op. The crimes were sickening in their own right, the fact it included women doesn't make it worse)

Yanbu anyway

I don't know anything about the three guys one hammer before now, I googled and started reading about it, the article started with talking about how they beat a 33 year old woman to death and I thought that is all I need to know. So just saying these are two horrific instances that involved violence against women which my partner was dismissive about.

OP posts:
abcdeg · 23/08/2022 17:01

He laughed about a child victim of rape being so scared that she sleeps with a hammer. Even the biggest dick can normally fake an 'oh that's awful' face, even if they don't give a shit. To laugh about something like that is weird AF!

Yup. I would really struggle to be around someone like this

WinterDeWinter · 23/08/2022 17:01

OP, he's a misogynist cunt and views you with contempt. He probably manages to hide that fact most of the time but I bet it comes through in other ways that you haven't managed to put together yet. Leave the toerag. You are worth so much more than him or anyone else who would torment you like this.

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:01

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EmmaH2022 · 23/08/2022 17:02

LemonDrop22 · 23/08/2022 16:00

Secondly, the apparent total lack of empathy and the laughing at a young girl who's been violently raoed sleeping with a hammer under her bed ..... Following into laughing at a sick, violent video of presumably violent assault/murder with a hammer.....

Not sure what to say ...
Other than that he's pretty sick.

Yes, and I couldn't be with that person.

i'm sorry, OP, what a horrible shock.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:03

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 16:55

I think some men struggle to understand the enormity of rape - his comment of 'well it's worst to be murdered' highlights that I think. Having to watch my DD being raped whilst I was helpless to stop it would 100% be worse than being murdered imo, an horrific crime too awful for words

In an either/or situation, I would rather watch every single member of my family be raped - and then have the chance to support them through recovery - than watch them be murdered and then they're gone.

Making the op's oh out to be some kind of monster for thinking murder is worse than rape is just bonkers. I think it's worse. I can't imagine that would be an especially unusual view.

But what kind of father makes it an either / or situation.

Your rape survivor wife says watching her daughter be raped would be a parent's worst nightmare is the time you debate what's worse, rape or murder?

You are yet another male secure in the knowledge that you are unlikely to be raped.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:04

Can I just clarify for the posters that are turning this into a debate about which is worse, murdering or raping a child... all I said was "it's a parent's worst nightmare". I was never weighing up in my head all the awful things that can happen to children, there are multiple things that I have heard or read and thought it's a parent's worst nightmare. It was my partner that then said nope, a dead child is. Which is just such bizarre thinking to me. I was just acknowledging what a dreadful horrendous situation it is, and how it scares me as a mother to a daughter.

OP posts:
abcdeg · 23/08/2022 17:04

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Never saw the video but I believe the description is extremely graphic hence why it's so well known. Probably for the best you don't know much about it op, it will only annoy you further that your DP thinks it's funny

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:04

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chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:05

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Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:05

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You've missed the point entirely. Back to incel for you.

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:06

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lemmein · 23/08/2022 17:06

LetsGoNorth · 23/08/2022 16:55

I think some men struggle to understand the enormity of rape - his comment of 'well it's worst to be murdered' highlights that I think. Having to watch my DD being raped whilst I was helpless to stop it would 100% be worse than being murdered imo, an horrific crime too awful for words

In an either/or situation, I would rather watch every single member of my family be raped - and then have the chance to support them through recovery - than watch them be murdered and then they're gone.

Making the op's oh out to be some kind of monster for thinking murder is worse than rape is just bonkers. I think it's worse. I can't imagine that would be an especially unusual view.

Making the op's oh out to be some kind of monster for thinking murder is worse than rape is just bonkers. I think it's worse. I can't imagine that would be an especially unusual view.

Except I didn't 🙄 I offered reasons of why some men might not be able to fully comprehend the impact of rape as it's largely an issue which doesn't affect them. I think both are equally horrific tbh - but his 'murder is worse' shows he has an hierarchy of awfulness and rape doesn't sound like it features particularly high. Especially if the thought of a frightened child makes him 'chuckle'.

I don't think that makes him a monster - I think it makes him a bit thick with no empathy.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:07

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Nope, but I have zero time for people like you who like to stick the boot into a rape survivor.

dpshownhistruecolours · 23/08/2022 17:07

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It seems you struggle immensely with a very common turn of phrase. Strange person you are.

OP posts:
Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:07

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Nope, but I have zero time for people like you who stick the boot into a rape survivor with glee.

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:08

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ReneBumsWombats · 23/08/2022 17:08

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Hey mate, my father also liked to tell me how lucky I was that he hadn't killed me. Top bloke, like you.

However, if you ever did get raped, I somehow suspect it's a toss you'd no longer fancy arguing.

DarkDayforMN · 23/08/2022 17:08

OP - I think the people downplaying this are the same kind of person as your husband, and they're moving in on you because you're vulnerable in this moment. Some absolutely repulsive replies to this thread.

I am another one who couldn't get past this. He knows your history, even if he can't muster up empathy for the strangers in a news story, he should be able to empathise with YOU and the fact that you are upset about it.

Don't let this go, I wouldn't argue with him further about it either. Just quietly lay your plans to move on from him.

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 17:08

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