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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter's step mum

366 replies

BonnieBobbet · 23/08/2022 07:56

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:00

She should never have been doing that stuff in the first place. Things like holidays I would tell her to speak to her dad. It's going to be very hard to untangle but basically you can't say anything about SM as none of that should have been happening in the first place IMO.

Original poster
BonnieBobbet · 23/08/2022 08:00

She's the same with me too. We used to be quite friendly and she'd send me the odd message about DD, pictures sometimes and things but now nothing. We rarely talk now.

OP posts:
chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:01

If you have a general chat with your ex about her you could say something like she's reluctant to come round to yours sometimes, I've asked why and she says it's because her relationship with SM has changed since baby has arrived and ask him to have a chat with DD about it? That's about it really.

Original poster
BonnieBobbet · 23/08/2022 08:02

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:00

She should never have been doing that stuff in the first place. Things like holidays I would tell her to speak to her dad. It's going to be very hard to untangle but basically you can't say anything about SM as none of that should have been happening in the first place IMO.

Which bits do you think were wrong to start with? I always thought we had a really good balance before.

OP posts:
DangerNoodles · 23/08/2022 08:02

YANBU, posters will soon come along to say your DD is not her responsibility but if she wanted to be a detached step mum she should not have built up an expectation before her son was born. To act so differently now she has her own baby is cruel.

The holidays are very unfair but not all on the stepmum, your ex should not be paying for a disneyland trip for one child and not the other, if UK holidays are 'good enough then that should apply to all of his children.

EkinWho · 23/08/2022 08:03

Why is the SM getting the hard time and not the dad? Surely he's more responsible for making this transition easier? If the 3 year old is at his grandparents does that not leave your daughter having her own time with her dad and SM? Is that not a good thing?

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:03

BonnieBobbet · 23/08/2022 08:00

She's the same with me too. We used to be quite friendly and she'd send me the odd message about DD, pictures sometimes and things but now nothing. We rarely talk now.

Sounds like she's realised she doesn't need to be a "mum" to DSC. The problem here is she's learnt it too late. DH needs to step up and parent her like he should have been from the start.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:04

DangerNoodles · 23/08/2022 08:02

YANBU, posters will soon come along to say your DD is not her responsibility but if she wanted to be a detached step mum she should not have built up an expectation before her son was born. To act so differently now she has her own baby is cruel.

The holidays are very unfair but not all on the stepmum, your ex should not be paying for a disneyland trip for one child and not the other, if UK holidays are 'good enough then that should apply to all of his children.

Who says ex is paying? I can afford to take my DC on holiday without DSC so I will if I want to.

Mrsphilmiller · 23/08/2022 08:04

Sounds like SM was playing mum until her own DC came along.
The only thing you can do in this situation is learn from our I suppose and tell your DD the same. YANBU by the way.

Original poster
BonnieBobbet · 23/08/2022 08:05

Ex-p doesn't go on these holidays btw so I feel like I can't really say too much about it. But I imagine he must contribute to them.

OP posts:
EkinWho · 23/08/2022 08:05

BonnieBobbet · 23/08/2022 08:05

Ex-p doesn't go on these holidays btw so I feel like I can't really say too much about it. But I imagine he must contribute to them.

YABU

GregoryFluff · 23/08/2022 08:05

Is some of this not age appropriate though? Of course she'll have to tidy a toddler's room, but giving a 9 year old chores is completely fine, in my eyes
Same as encouraging her to think of gifts for her father herself, she would have been 6 before her brother arrived, so would obviously have needed help
Same as expecting sleepovers at her step mother's parent's house, dud that happen before? Does she not sleep over at your Mum's? Can't you explain that it's the same thing? theyre hus actual biological family, it's natural they'll see him more/have a closer bond

jeaux90 · 23/08/2022 08:05

Your ex is the issue here. He should be ensuring equity across the two houses for your DD not the SM.

Soontobe60 · 23/08/2022 08:06

Your DD is feeling left out - as most 9 year olds may do when they’re competing for attention against a toddler. My eldest never went for sleepovers at my MILs - her stepfather’s mum. It would have been odd for her to do so tbh. She never bought my dh Father’s Day gifts - he isn’t her father, but I would always make sure she bought her own father - my ex - a gift for Father’s Day or his birthday (even though I loathe the man). At 9, I would expect my children to keep their own bedroom tidy, and be able to at least strip their bedding. They certainly remade their own beds before they left primary school. It may be that the SM just believes at that age she should be more independent?
my advice - speak to her father, not to her stepmother. It’s his responsibility to ensure she feels happy when she’s in his care.

DangerNoodles · 23/08/2022 08:07

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:04

Who says ex is paying? I can afford to take my DC on holiday without DSC so I will if I want to.

Show quote history

Because she doesn't have a job, so the ex is funding her lifestyle.

Topgub · 23/08/2022 08:07

Is all this coming from your dd?

Holidays and trips out etc are none if your business

Its a shame her sm is being a dick now she has her own kid but I definitely wouldn't say anything about it.

Isaidnoalready · 23/08/2022 08:07

EkinWho · 23/08/2022 08:05

YABU

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SM is a stay at home mum its implied she has no income

moistmingemist · 23/08/2022 08:08

I would explain that the change is because a new baby is very hard work and perhaps SM has assumed Dad would help with the children but he's not and as a 3 yo can't do much for himself SM is obviously very caught up. I'd reassure her that SM still loves DD but sees her as more grown up and independent now.

As for holidays I'd explain that because DD at school it's more difficult and cheaper to go out of holidays.

I'd try very hard to minimise any resentment as DSM could be really struggling. I wouldn't say anything though.

whumpthereitis · 23/08/2022 08:08

DangerNoodles · 23/08/2022 08:07

Because she doesn't have a job, so the ex is funding her lifestyle.

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Not having a job doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t have your own money.

Catfordthefifth · 23/08/2022 08:08

DangerNoodles · 23/08/2022 08:07

Because she doesn't have a job, so the ex is funding her lifestyle.

Show quote history

Is he? I didn't think MN believed that about SAHMs. I thought SAHMs contributed equally to the household because they're doing what would be paid childcare and enabling the other parent to work?

Does that not apply here? Is there a specific reason why?

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:09

DangerNoodles · 23/08/2022 08:07

Because she doesn't have a job, so the ex is funding her lifestyle.

Show quote history

Her parents might be paying. Inheritance might be paying.

Original poster
BonnieBobbet · 23/08/2022 08:09

GregoryFluff · 23/08/2022 08:05

Is some of this not age appropriate though? Of course she'll have to tidy a toddler's room, but giving a 9 year old chores is completely fine, in my eyes
Same as encouraging her to think of gifts for her father herself, she would have been 6 before her brother arrived, so would obviously have needed help
Same as expecting sleepovers at her step mother's parent's house, dud that happen before? Does she not sleep over at your Mum's? Can't you explain that it's the same thing? theyre hus actual biological family, it's natural they'll see him more/have a closer bond

Yes I suppose age is a big thing. She still needs help with things though and I guess we are all guilty a bit of not encouraging chores enough. I suppose this may have just got mixed up in all the feelings about her brother when it's actually not to do with that. I do need to start encouraging more independence at my house. It's something I will speak to her dad about.

She didn't go for sleepovers before with her family no but they were quite close. They'd come over to spend time with her and things whereas now she feels they only really come to either see her brother or collect him to take him to theirs but she isn't invited.

OP posts:
lovelilies · 23/08/2022 08:09

Gosh that's a tough one! Like she used your DD as a practice kid until she had her own.

I can't fathom how people can drop a kid like that (seen it happen plenty though).

It's very hurtful. Re the holidays it's really her Dad who is the only one who can do something about it- he needs to insist DD comes along on at least half of the family holidays imo

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 08:09

Catfordthefifth · 23/08/2022 08:08

Is he? I didn't think MN believed that about SAHMs. I thought SAHMs contributed equally to the household because they're doing what would be paid childcare and enabling the other parent to work?

Does that not apply here? Is there a specific reason why?

Show quote history

Because 2nd wife 🤣

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 23/08/2022 08:10

It sounds like you all had a good set up going, i don't understand the posters saying SM ahouldn't have been doing all of that? Why not, a SM can be a parental figure.

I do think however she has now realised she only wanta to parent her new baby, and a 9yo is very different. I think its very sad for your DD, and such a sudden change. I would speak to your ex and tell him all these things SM used to do that he now needs to do as she seems to have stopped