My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

Why does she “absolutely hate” after school club?

As she hates it so much, could she come home to you those days till her dad collects her from yours?

I agree with this: "YANBU, posters will soon come along to say your DD is not her responsibility but if she wanted to be a detached step mum she should not have built up an expectation before her son was born. To act so differently now she has her own baby is cruel."

It's bad character of her, forgetting her sd like that and not giving a thought to see things from her perspective. The question is it intentional or is she just not emotionally tuned enough, a simpleton?

Unfortunately this happens sometimes when she sees it as" her own little family", and sd becomes an outsider. And sadly some people do not have any emotional sensitivity or higher awareness. You should have a word with ex, and if you're close enough, with her.

To be fair I think she has been picking up you ex's slack with parenting for a while and just can't do everything now she has her own dc. So rightly she is prioritising him.

She could be going away to spend quality time with him bd also to give your dc quality time too.

Also hash as it is you will never know a love like you feel for your own dc, and it shows

You could say to her dad that she dislikes after care and feels pushed out

But realistically what do you think he can do?

How long have you been apart?

I wonder if those saying that the Stepmother is only responsible for her own child would say the say the same if we were talking about a Stepfather?
My husband is Stepfather to my eldest son. They have lived together/known each other since my son was 3. Should he have always refused to help me with DS? To not pick him up from school? To exclude him from family holidays later on when his brothers were born? He absolutely would not have dreamt of doing this, his responsibility or not he is part of his life and he has always done as much for DS as I have, as have I for my Stepdaughter.
The issues about the Dad being lazy here are a Separate issue and can be addressed by Stepmum without her completely withdrawing from the relationship with her stepdaughter. It isn't the little girls fault that Dad is lazy! The issue is that the step mum has emotionally withdrawn from the daughter and sadly I don't think that will be without consequence for the poor girl.

Or maybe she has her own perspective on this you don't understand that is her priority, without being "a simpleton".

She just likes to come home. She's always struggled with school she's a home bird and feels most comfortable there. It's a long day for her when she's in the club's before and after. I'm hoping this will get easier when she goes to secondary and she can start making her own way there and back and feels a bit more able to control where she is if that makes sense?

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.
I'm not trying to be harsh but this is more about helping you out. Has contact arrangements changed or has she just stopped covering emergencies. Sorry but they are not her responsibility you amd your ex are responsible for your child.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.
whatlogistics. once again your child you and ex are responsible for logostics. This is not about your daughters fellings. * *

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.
But there not her grandparents, it doesn't sound like they are doing less with her then previously just not as much as they do for their grandchild. You could remind her of all the stuff she does with her own grandparents and point out that they are her brothers grandparents so would have a different dynamic.
She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.
This could be an age appropriate thing.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.
this is on your ex not her. If he refuses to go abroad it is not her responsibility to take her. Your daughter has holidays abroad with you every year so surely her brother has the right to have a holiday as well. I can see your point about Disney however completely on ex to take her. I have gone to theme parks with DSS (10) and DS(2) both on my own ( a local one) and with dad and to be honest the age gap (that sounds similar to this denario )makes it very difficult to navigate. We usually end up with a divide a conquer approach with one of us going on the little one rides with DS and one on older with DSS. if I was in her position I would not volunteer to take DSD on that trip if husband refused to go.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.
theseare age appropriate tasks. DSS is responsible for putting clothes in laundry, stripping and remaking beds as an age approbation chore for his pocket money. DS also has age appropriate chores like cleaning up his toys, helping with laundry ect just like DSS did at that age.

Is this the opposite perspective from the step mother's currently running thread? Where she wanted her useless husband to stop using her as free child care, and also wanted to take her own child to Alton towers ( or somewhere)
Any the father of these children is at fault on this thread as on many others.

Yes mention but no mention of his wife.

and find out why she despises after school club

and when on earth will the two of you re evaluate 50/50? Bloody awful for the child

I think you should speak to ExP. If things don't change I'd be tempted to ask for more contact time as your daughter is clearly not happy at theirs anymore. It's not SMs job to be parent but basic manners leads you to try to at least appear to treat children fairly and equally when they are in the same house together. Good luck OP

It's simple, SM has her hands full with your brother so you'll have to go to afterschool club as I cant get the time off work either. Children go to after school clubs it isn't the end of the world

Yes I think its fair enough to say to your ex she is reluctant to come these days as she feels the dynamic has shifted, and ask if he could take her out to chat to her or something.

I reckon she's probably fed up of your ex doing fuck all for his own daughter and has stopped. The catalyst probably was her child because a baby is hard when you have support, but if you've no support and also have to "parent" a nine year old who isn't actually yours I can imagine you might start to think 'fuck this' quite quickly.

I agree with @Catfordthefifth, and the fact is - this is your ex-DH's issue to clear up, not the SM.

Whatever reasons she has for pulling back, she's perfectly entitled to - she doesn't have to take your DD on holiday, her parents don't have to have her for a sleepover, and she doesn't have to be afterschool childcare. Your ex-DH could take care of all of those. He could take her on holiday, she could go to HIS parents for a sleepover, and he could ask for flexible work to cover childcare.

In the absence of other info, she'd be either intentionally excluding a little girl, which makes her a shite person, or unintentionally being insensitive, which yes, imo makes her a simpleton.

@EllaPaella Yes I would. Unless a stepfather adopts then they are still not a parent. Any help they give should be received with gratitude and with the understanding it is a favour.

It's not "simple". She's 9.

The OP is asking for help with what to say to her DD. She can't control what her ex says. I am saying that in fact, for the OP, the true answer is that her brother is the priority for her stepmum (regardless of why - useless husband, her finding a 9 year old difficult, wanting to enjoy the time before her DS starts school, all valid of course) and that it is not unreasonable to find explaining this difficult.

@BonnieBobbet OP, I think you hit the nail on the head in one of your own posts back on page 1.

Yes I suppose age is a big thing. She still needs help with things though and I guess we are all guilty a bit of not encouraging chores enough. I suppose this may have just got mixed up in all the feelings about her brother when it's actually not to do with that. I do need to start encouraging more independence at my house. It's something I will speak to her dad about.

You can see this but your DD can’t. You should explain it to her in terms that she can understand:

• ultimately, SM is busier now that she has another child to look after so she can’t spend as much time with DD as before


• her stepbrother gets the sleepovers so that her dad and SM can spend more time with just her


• DD is much older now and should really be able to tidy her room and change the sheets herself


• again, as DD is older, she needs to buy presents for her DF herself, not have them bought for her and stick her name on them


• her SM can take SM’s child on holidays without DD just like you can take DD on holidays without her stepbrother


• After school care is a fact of life and she needs to suck it up, unfortunately. I don’t blame her (DD) for not liking it but I also don’t blame SM for not providing childcare

It is worth mentioning to your ex how DD feels about this so he is aware but both you and she are being unreasonable in expecting SM to pick up the slack.

Step child or biological child - things change with younger siblings.

It's really not. 9 year old aren't stupid. SM has her own child now who is her priority, just like DD has her own mum who makes her her priority. And a dad who should be sharing his love and time between all his kids.

She's never had a real grandparent dynamic so I think that's probably clouding the issue with SMs family. Ex-ps parents live abroad and rarely see them or either of the DCs. My parents are around but are older and my dad is quite unwell so can't really do much with her.

I think she enjoyed having a sort of grandparent dynamic with SMs parents (who are younger and around a lot) even though she knew they weren't her GPs and didn't call them GPs. To now see how they act with their real grandchild is just a bit of a shock to her and she'd like to be involved in it but I appreciate that's not their responsibility, it's just how she feels.

This is why it's so hard. I know logically some of these things are unreasonable/ unrealistic but it's very hard when your child is getting so upset

@DifficultBloodyWoman I think you've nailed it.

@DangerNoodles she might have her own sources of income - property or from her family

Thank you that's helpful.