My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

No, I'm not. I'm not touchy either, I just don't like your comments about SAHMs. Is that not okay or?

Ah right, does her mum not work either then?

My child lives with me 100% of the time and goes to an after school club most nights. Am I doing it wrong?

That’s all well and good, but it’s reliant on the stepmother providing childcare. You thinking it’s her responsibility to do that doesn’t mean it actually is, and she’s well within her right to say no.

the stepmother is responsible for their child, not his child.

I think this is really sad for your DD. I'm a SM too and whilst having a new baby does shift the dynamic it seems a shame that this is so to the detriment of your DD.
If her SM was nice before, I do wonder if this change is a reflection that all is not well between the SM and her husband.
I think SM might be fed up with doing all the care for all of the children. It would be interesting to hear her side of this - but I don't think you can ask really.
The holidays are disappointing for your DD but they're probably like that to be cheapest - one adult, one small child, not term time.
I think the smaller changes, the lack of involvement at Dads home is long term more hurtful.

Would the stepmother be receptive to a gentle approach along the lines of “daughter is really missing quality time with you, is there any possibility of you doing something with her occasionally? that is not as gentle as you may think. In a lot of cases any sort of instruction or request from the ex is often viewed as "who is she to be telling/asking me to do something". I think this needs to be approached with the ex husband in a factual, she doesn't like coming any more and says this is why, and leave it at that.

This is another thing and I realise I may be unreasonable with this, it's something I can't work out what's right or not in my own head...

But yes she does to after school club on his days whilst he works and has done for a while. She absolutely hates it though. It was obviously a necessity before as SM was working full time too but she refused to collect DD now she's a SAHM as well so she still has to go until he's home from work even when she's at home, school is 10 mins from their house as we all live close.

I don't know that just feels off to me but I appreciate ultimately it's not her responsibility to get DD from school. It just seems a shame when she hates the club so much and would rather be at home.

But yes I accept I may be unreasonable with that.

Personally I would be speaking to ex-p about how your DD feels or encourage her to speak to him herself. I wouldn’t bring my own feelings into the conversation but it’s really important he understands how his DD is feeling right now so he can work on a solution as it sounds difficult and from my personal experience 9 is a very emotional time so things can easily feel overwhelming.

There was a thread just a few days ago from a SM’s perspective. Might be worth having a read OP, it was called something like “telling DH that my child is my priority”.

This is true but I'd expect her parents in both homes to be reminding her about occasions and tidying her room at that age. Hopefully dad is doing this.

@Catfordthefifth

My comments about sahms? On this thread?

Weird.

Given you're not a sahm or a stepmum I'd say you're clients come across as unnecessarily antagonistic. And touchy.

Well it sounds like you and your ex used her, she became a default parents and supported both of you by doing a lot for your DC. Since having her own she has likely put her foot down with her DH. That’s what’s changed- why would she be going to a sleep over at the step mums parents house? Sounds like she never did, why would your DD be going on a holiday abroad where it’s just her step mum ?

I wonder if your miffed because your free baby sitter has started saying no.

there is a step mum on MN at the minute where the ex has asked that she at short notice have her Dd over night on Friday and pissed off that the step mum has said no as she is fed up being expected to drop everything for this woman who treats her like crap but expect free childcare .

Say something if you want but I am not sure what your going to say?

If I was a 9 year old and I knew I was being sent to an after-school club while my stepmum was at home I'd be upset, and old enough to twig she didn't want me there.

Generally speaking I also think that this is because the ex is lazy and not doing anything with/for the 3 year old either, and that he is responsible for spending time with her, but yeah. Doesn't mean child is not upset and feels "lesser than" in the household. Her dad's fault.

Re: Disney. She went in term time, when it is significantly cheaper. Of course she’s not going to miss out/have her son miss out if she has the opportunity to go. The DH is presumably more than capable of paying towards a family holiday there to include his daughter if he is inclined.

Unless DH offered to pay me I wouldn't do this either.

I agree with the PP who said a lot of this is age appropriate. It's natural that she's phased out tidying up for her and buying gifts on her behalf, I've done the same with my 9 year old DSC.

A lot of it is probably also because having a baby is tiring. She's got her hands full and doesn't have the emotional energy to go above and beyond doing childcare anymore. It's possible there's actually some discord around that with your ex - perhaps she feels he isn't pulling his weight with their shared DC and that has made stepping back from helping out with your DD an active decision. This is natural I'm afraid, it's what can happen when you rely on someone to look after your kid that doesn't have any obligation to.

I sympathise with your DD but ultimately I'm the her SM in this and I can't fault her actions.

I wouldn't send any accusations as that will definitely not go down well, but you could try talking to your ex about her being reluctant to come. I'd focus on if there's anything HE could do to make her feel better, not the SM.

Then dad can explain it. You are here to see me and I'm not there, so aftershock club it is.

Tbh op it sounds like you expect the sm to parent dd as if she's her own.

She's not.

And as much as I think if you start a relationship with someone who has kids you should be prepared to parent them and treat them equally, lots dont. Especially if the oh is a lazy git.

So this has been going on for 3 years?

thought we had a really good balance before.

It might have seeded as if you had a good balance before, but as it turns out it appears that SM's interest in your DD was only as a substitute until she got a baby of her own.

Dropping interest in the substitute does seem cruel.

The only solution is for your daughter's DF to really step up now and do all the things he should have been doing all along, from clean bed linen to days out. Alongside supporting his new wife with her new baby.

Clearly it would have been better had it been him parenting his daughter all along, rather than outsourcing to his new partner.

I'm very sorry.

Of course. But this is quite obviously a big change for a child when the SM used to look after her in school holidays, and there isn't much of a better way of explaining this to her besides the existence of her brother.

But yes she does to after school club on his days whilst he works and has done for a while. She absolutely hates it though. It was obviously a necessity before as SM was working full time too but she refused to collect DD now she's a SAHM as well so she still has to go until he's home from work even when she's at home, school is 10 mins from their house as we all live close.

It's not the SM's responsibility to be free childcare. If your DD hates it, that's something your ex-DH needs to work out on his time.

Is it 50/50?

Thanks for all the advice. I really don't want to come across accusatory. It's really hard to know what or if to even say anything.

I don't want her saying she doesn't want to go as much though and then not even mentioning that to her dad iyswim. He needs to know how she's feeling surely?

This isn't made up either, I've lurked here for a while and have seen other SPing threads but not posted one myself before.

Hmm this is tough, as you said she has no obligation to do any of these things for your daughter as she is you ex's and your responsibility. But speaking as both a stepchild and a stepmother, I think it's really mean to pull back from that relationship so abruptly. Like not changing her sheets? Come on, I wouldn't do that to my stepdaughters. No she doesn't have to be childcare after school but it does send your Dd a clear message that's she isn't wanted. I know what that feels like, and it feels like shit.

Talk to your ex about your Dd feeling left out, don't focus on the SM but how your Ex can do more to help his Dd feel welcome in their home.

Yes it's 50:50