My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

I think this is telling.
i think he probably doesn’t do much for the three year old and leaves it all to his wife,
she’s gone from weekend parenting to full time parenting
so maybe she’s like “well you can sort out older DD then”

If your DH isn’t bothered with foreign holidays with your daughter she was probably happy to follow his lead and stay in the UK but now she has her son maybe she just wants to make the most of term time holidays or whatever.

I do think it’s shitty on your daughter as they were close before. I feel for your kid , none of this is her fault and must be very confusing

Because she doesn't have a job, so the ex is funding her lifestyle.

presumably for the 6 years before the baby was born the DD was having holidays funded by her father?

Looks to me like a combination of expecting an older child to be a bit more independent now a baby is in the house (happens with most siblings i think), the realisation that the father hasn't been doing his part properly and the desire, which is natural, to do things with her child.
Or didn't you do anything with your DD when she was a small child, OP?

It's hard to hear your child is upset, but i think you just need to talk to your ex about it and get him to step up.

There’s nothing wrong with what she was doing before! In an ideal world you want a step mum to be like an invested aunt.

I can see how upsetting is is for your daughter. It’s really poor that the step mother has changed in this way. (I am a step mother BTW)

Do you get on decently well with your ex? if you do I would ask to meet for a cup of tea somewhere neutral, and say broadly what you’ve said here (with a few moderations).

Start by saying how fond your daughter Is of step mum, and give a few old egs, Then give 3 key egs of how things have changed (don’t bring the foreign holidays into it, just keep it small and sweet), and explain your daughter is hurt. Say that you understand things have changed but it’s hard for a 9 year old - does he think there’ scope to get some of that special relationship back?

It might be that you and step mum then need to meet for a cup of tea, and you explain similar, focus on flattery. Don’t talk about expensive things like foreign holidays . Focus on the little things.

fingers crossed.

Well either she funds herself in which case she owes nothing to her SC and it’s up to the dad to look after her.

OR she has agreed that the dad will be the earner and she looks after the home - which should include looking after his DD who lives with them 50:50. Dad is out working so can’t be there to do it all the time.

The SM can’t have it both ways I’m afraid (though clearly wants to).

YANBU OP. Your DD is being edged out. But if her dad tries to sort it he’ll be called a Disney Dad, so it’s difficult for him too.

Good advice!

… for balance as a PP says some of it is expected your daughter to be bore grown up - eg I’d agree she should be buying her own Father’s Day presents and more or less keeping her room tidy.

Sorry - where is the rule book to say if you are a SAHM to your own child you must take on the responsibility of someone else's? That is not a thing.

Could be as simple as SM not having the time to pick up the slack as your ex isn’t pulling his weight? 50:50 with a stepchild when you’re a SAHM who’s partner doesn’t pull his weight, doesn’t sound like fun when you throw a toddler in there.

Could also be that they are encouraging her to take responsibility for her own room which at 9 is entirely age appropriate in a way that it isn’t for a toddler.

SMs parents have no obligation to have her for sleepovers, and sounds like this isn’t a change anyway. Doesn’t she have a relationship with your family and your ex’s parents? She must surely need to understand that the toddler is biologically related to SM parents so will be closer to
them. For all we know that’s the only break she gets as a SAHM.

Holidays that SM takes without him aren’t exactly family holidays either.

Perhaps have a word with your ex and he can focus on your daughter managing this change and her expectations - change is inevitable when an ex moves on and has more children, it doesn’t make the situation wrong but can be harder for children to navigate.

@Catfordthefifth

Not really.

These is taking her kid on several foreign holidays

So either the kids dad is only paying for 1 of his children to go on holiday or the sm is self funding some how.

If she's self funding (parents maybe?) Its irrelevant. If dh is paying not irrelevant but still not ops business

@Catfordthefifth
So who looks after the child while the father is at work?

I’m guessing this is a (possibly made up) response to the two recent threads about the Disneyland holiday and the other one about stepmum not wanting to do last minute childcare for DSD…….

Sounds like she went over and above, probably to help your ex. When she had her own child and wanted to have time focusing on her first born and adjust to the massive change in her life, I doubt the help was particularly forthcoming back from his end. Bet she was expected to run the house and parent her own child as well as his. She probably got tired and resentful of being expected to do everything and so disengaged.

It sounds like she tried hard to be the ideal of a perfect stepmother and assumed responsibilities that were not hers to take on. Responsibilities the actual father was more than happy to leave to her so he didn’t have to bother. Having her own child was a watershed moment, because for most there’s a massive difference between what they’re going to feel for a biological child, and what they will feel for a stepchild. I bet it was the point when she got utterly fucked off at picking up his slack and finally said ‘no more’.

That is on him. Not her.

YANBU, posters will soon come along to say your DD is not her responsibility but if she wanted to be a detached step mum she should not have built up an expectation before her son was born. To act so differently now she has her own baby is cruel.
this At the end of the day, it is a child who is being hurt.
but it is not all on the stepmum. Dad should be more proactive in doing things as a family.

Presumably she's at school, there are also these things called after school clubs where children go when their parents work.

I agree it's her dad who needs to step-up.
I have a dd from my first marriage and a dd from my current. Me and dh have never done anything for or with dd2 that we wouldn't include dd1 in and if dh suggested it I would put my foot down.
By contrast dd1 has to sit back and watch her father do loads if stuff with his gf and their children but over the years this has led to her hardly seeing them as she admitted to me when she was about 12 that she feels very hurt by it all and so wanted to distance herself.
I spoke to her dad but he never made any more effort so its his loss.
I have just quietly supported her but made sure it's her decision to back off and have always tried to be objective and help her to see why this may have happened etc.
Poor kids really. They never ask for any of this.

But you don't know. It sounds like the reason your daughter hasn't had abroad holidays with her dad is because her dad can't afford or doesn't like abroad holidays, if his partner is going abroad on her own with their child.

To me it sounds like the SM is emotionally withdrawing from your DD which isn't good and will have an impact on her unfortunately especially if they were previously quite close. I don't think it matters that the SM was maybe doing a lot of stuff that Dad should have done, you can't go back and change that. But now you have a little girl who feels that an adult she was very close to and had an emotional attachment to has little time for her or interest in her now that another child has come along.
I think it's really sad.

Responded in all seriousness but yes, it’s coming across as a made up response to other threads.

On the off chance it is true, no, OP you shouldn’t approach her. She’s not going to respond with ‘oh, I’ve seen the light!’, she’s more likely to tell you to fuck off (literally, or with more diplomatic phrasing). It’s her father that’s responsible for your daughter, and he’s the one that would need to step up.

@Catfordthefifth

Yeah.

Its still relevant to the op.

You seem awful touchy. Are you the sm?

This will probably be something to do with it then. She's fed up of picking up his slack.

She doesn’t spend 50:50 with her dad to go to an after school club. Presumably she wants to get to know his child and her half-sibling. And what about school holidays?

Your attitude stinks and you know it.

This is a tricky one and I can see both sides. Your daughter has holidays with you so it’s not unreasonable for the SM to take her child on holiday too. And presumably your daughter has grandparents and other family on your side whilst her sibling has SMs family. Perhaps pointing out that the half sibling doesn’t have you/your family like she does might help it seem a bit fairer.

However I agree it’s a bit unfair that your daughter has had such a dramatic change in how things were. Have you talked to your ex about it? Can he step up and spend a bit more one to one time with her and plan some activities to help her feel more valued? Would he be able to have a chat with his partner and find out if there’s any particular issue? Would the stepmother be receptive to a gentle approach along the lines of “daughter is really missing quality time with you, is there any possibility of you doing something with her occasionally?”. She might not appreciate how your daughter is feeling.

Things I think a stepparent should be wary of taking on for their partner.

1. Childcare
2. Gifts on child's behalf
3. Tidy room and washing their clothes
4. Contacting the other parent

It obviously depends on the relationship and mostly I'd say the attitude of their partner. But if Dad is a bit useless here then by picking up his slack she is doing no one any favours.

This. I think this is exactly what is happening.