My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

Straying from the OP a bit now...more about some of the themes that have come out if it... and maybe because I already have a child and therefore know what it's like to love one, my view is biased, but...

If I split up with DH and met someone new with kids, I would 100% be looking at him to see what his expectations were of me in relation to his existing children. If he wanted anything less than a proper blended family where I cared for his kids and helped look after them then I wouldn't get with him as I couldn't be with someone who doesn't put their children first. Or be with a guy who would even contemplate being with someone who wasn't willing to be all in. If a guy is willing to be with someone who isn't 'all in' then they wouldn't be a good enough Dad for me to consider having more kids with him. My eyes have really been opened about step parents on this thread!

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It's natural that she prefers her own child. You would too if you had stepchildren.

TBH I really don't envy the SM, she is expected not to change at all since having a child, the OP presumes to know her financial situation (the holidays), the perceived waning of interest. I do think it's likely the dad is likely the weak link, but the assumption is the SM must continue to plug the gap as that's what she's always done, whilst caring for a young child and being judged and found inadequate. Maybe SM feels OP could express some interest in her son? I know it's not the same, but as SM did go beyond (by the OP's own words) how much has OP done over and above too?

I am not suggesting the DD's feelings aren't valid, but I do think it's a conversation to be had with the child's dad whether the 50-50 is working for their DD still.

Well yes, phrasing matters, which is why I’m saying it not necessarily the best idea to present it as ‘she feels rejected by SM’, however delicately. Don’t make it SM specific, because that can be very easily taken as criticism and met with hostility and result in a once good relationship disintegrating. Maybe that’s a risk worth taking, but it is a big one.

The face of it, she hasn’t imo. it doesn’t sound like she ever actually parented the SD, whereas she’s parenting her son and thus as a consequence highlighting the difference to the SD. In terms of spending quality time with, and parenting, the SD? That’s entirely the responsibility of her father,. Not treating the SD as her child is not the same thing as rejection.

As far as sympathy with the child, sure, but the child wanting something doesn’t mean that the child should get it, or can reasonably be considered entitled to it. Which is why this can also be handled by the OP working to manage her expectations.

I wouldn't want to pass judgement on whether the SM's behaviour has changed towards the 9 year old because there is not enough info from the OP (who seems balanced and thoughtful about this IMO).

However, I do think they (the father and the stepmum) haven't seemed to carefully think through the impact on the sibling relationship. The DD has inadvertantly noticed and stated that their shared DS is being treated differently to her and I suspect this is the cause of her upset really. And when their DS gets older he too will see he is treated differently. Children and especially siblings struggle with a difference in equity - they might not be close or they might be rivals as a result. Which would be a loss of a good opportunity to attach to a biological family member.

Those shared family scripts and experiences are powerful and have a significant effect. I think long term the current approach won't work well and may be a source of regret. There are some powerful messages being received by a 9 year old and a 3 year old from adults about that blended family and the way it functions and who does what in it.

If I had a step child I would want to parent and maintain a good relationship, primarily for the sake of my child and family functioning in my home and secondly because I am not that comfortable with a child being upset on my watch.

You're ignoring a crucial figure here. The childs actual mother.

And how the children themselves feel about it. While some may appreciate it, others are going to be fully opposed to stepmother trying to act as a second mother, and think it fucking weird.

There are some powerful messages being received by a 9 year old and a 3 year old from adults about that blended family and the way it functions and who does what in it.

but there’s no one way that a blended family functions? Any more than there’s any one way for a nuclear one.

How a family works is determined by the individuals in it, and what works for one unit is not going to work for another.

Not comfortable with a child being upset on my watch.

This sums it up for me. But oh so surprising how many women do not give a shit.

Oh, and stepmothers own kids. They may actually want to think they have a unique and special relationship with their mother, and not suddenly find themselves equal in her eyes to some random kids whose father she’s having sex with.

because that certainly wouldn’t have the potential for inflicting short and long term damage to the relationships between all parties…

Yes not parenting a child that's not yours equates to not giving a shit.

"Oh, and stepmothers own kids. They may actually want to think they have a unique and special relationship with their mother, and not suddenly find themselves equal in her eyes to some random kids whose father she’s having sex with."

They're not random, they're a part of a man she's presumably in love with. Ergo they are family too. I really can't comprehend how people justify not having feelings for a child in their family. It sounds fundementally wrong at a most basic human level. And even if they were random kids they're innocent little beings, how the heck can people be do uncaring and insensitive. Are you rationing your love?

The point remains. Children may just want to have a distinct relationship with the woman who is their mother, and not have her act out the same one with children she isn’t mother to, by virtue of the fact she’s in a relationship with their father.

it doesn’t need to be justified. I don’t ‘ration’ my feelings, but neither do I produce them on demand because someone thinks I have to.

Agree. Alot of the responsibility type things could just be due to age. The holidays if your ex isn't going is a matter for step mum. You don't take the half brother on holidays you do for your DD so I guess itd no different that he has holidays with just his mum too. The grandparents are to be fair his and not hers. Presumably, again, her half brother isn't going off to your parents with your DD when she goes.

I do think though that things unrelated to age differential which have changed - like if she used to stay at step mums parents and now doesn't- are unfair because as other posters have said a certain relationship expectation has built up which your DD is used to and its upsetting for that to change just because of a sibling coming along. If I were you I'd speak to step mum yourself to see what is happening and get her version. It could be that she is doing less as she's knackered now, is giving DD more responsibility due to her age and would do the same with her child, and the holidays and grandparents stays are just her way of doing exactly what your DD gets from you and your parents to make it fair in that respect. Blended families are hard. I am a step mum myself though my stepchild is now an adult and my biological family is young so its a bit easier however I am sure our relationship has weakened a little since and I am convinced its because she sees how I and her Dad are with them compared to how things were for her as a child. The difference is though due to the age gap her father is in a different position now plus I'm breadwinner so alot of our financial position comes from me. Though I care deeply for her, she is not my financial responsibility and actually has and will have more because of what I did contribute but she wont get the exact same as most of stuff for my kids comes from me. She has her own mum and stuff from her which my kids do not and will not have same as things from grandparents etc. She has double of everything (more actually as her mums parents are around but my husbands aren't and she has step grandparents too so lots of people). It won't ever be equal.

Not comfortable with a child being upset on my watch.

Absolutely. I wouldn't want any child who I was spending time with - even by virtue of living in the same house without me supervising them - to feel upset about how I'm behaving towards them. Even if they were being irrational, because as the adult I can understand that children can be irrational or not understand the context, and gently explain to them how they've got it wrong or why they think like that.

I'd want to know how the child felt so I could discuss it with them and reassure them. Doesn't mean of course I could practically change certain things, but I'd be able to tell them I care about how they feel and give them a hug.