My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers.

Sorry OP but this is the bottom line and really should be the end of the story. Her dad should have always been doing these things for her, SM obviously stepped up because she had the time and energy previously but it was never her job.

Personally I wouldn't say anything to your ex in your shoes, but I would speak to your DD sensitively and let her know that just as you have to focus on looking after her and doing lots of things together, SM needs to do that for her brother as she's his mummy. SM going on holiday with her son alone is fine, and I presume you go away with your DD too, so you can point that out to her.

I do feel sad for your DD as she's clearly struggling, but at the same time she does need to be helped to understand that just as she has her mum, so does her brother.

If you do speak to your ex about any of this, it should be about how his failure to help DD tidy her room or change her bed etc is making her feel like nobody in that household is bothered about her now. It is on him to help her through this too, but neither he nor you can expect his wife to do all that she was doing with your DD when she's also now having to look after her own child too. As long as she's still being kind to your DD, it's completely up to SM whether she has the capacity or desire to do all of the things she was doing before.

I don’t get this notion on here that when you become a stepmom you essentially just carry on doing your own thing as if the DSC don’t exist.

Hardly a blended family is it if you marry someone and refuse to have anything to do with their children and the children are just expected to suck it up?

I don’t think that would be tolerated if it was the other way around and a woman married a man who essentially said “they’re your kids, you deal with them,” which is essentially what people are saying about stepmoms here.

Yes there are things that the father should be responsible for but the fact is that this woman embraced the OP’s dd into her family until something better came along. I don’t give a shit who she is, that’s pretty shit behaviour and says far more about her than anyone else.

@BonnieBobbet you sound like a lovely mum who is trying to get the balance right for your child. I think you should talk to your ex-p and explain how your DD feels without attributing blame. Ask if he could be a bit more mindful and try to make her feel a bit more involved.

I don't really know how it works or is meant to work but I'd imagine your daughter is your ex husband's responsibility when it's his time so the clubs and all the parenting you feel her stepmother isn't doing needs to come from her father..

I agree it's terrible she dropped your daughter when her son came along. I think you need to be very objective and spell it out to your ex husband - daughter is feeling very hurt because x used to do all these things, she isn't anymore, I don't expect her to of course but we need to help daughter with the change and transition' and take it from there..

Also, start talking about it with your daughter, that you know she feels hurt but this isn't about her at all, that her step mum's priorities had to change when the baby came along and that she's older now too so things were going to be naturally different.. Try to help her see it from a different perspective that makes it seem less hurtful and less about your daughter (if it's affecting her esteem, sense of self worth) - ask your husband to step up too and show his daughter how important she is to him..

Doesn’t sound like it’s about equity across the two houses though but more about the change in dynamic at her Dad’s house.

OP I would have a word with her Dad. It does sound like quite a bit of this is normal
growing up stuff (the presents, tidying room, etc) but it’s unfortunately come at the same time as her siblings arrival. I wouldn’t blame her step Mum though, just say you think DD is struggling more with the transition than maybe they have realised and what can you all do to help ensure things get back on track.

Her step Mum may not even have realised it’s causing an issue. She probably thinks it’s no different to DD spending time with her own Mum doing different things. And really it isn’t any different.

You can’t do anything about the holidays if your ex doesn’t even go on them.

This is why it's so hard. I know logically some of these things are unreasonable/ unrealistic but it's very hard when your child is getting so upset Sad

@BonnieBobbet It's understandable because you care about your child. Speak to your ex and explain how your daughter is feeling but just try not to be accusatory or inflammatory as the last thing you want is this to all blow up unneccessarily. It might not be intentional after all.

It's abit much expecting your dd to have a sleep over at her sm parents. It's down to you to explain that to her. It looks like your sm has put clear boundaries in place to be avoid being taken advantage of especially as she is a sahm now. My sons step mom has never done childcare nor would I expect her to. There was one occassion where I rung ex as my df was taken in to hospital we didn't think he would make it and I asked ex to have ds he wasn't available but his wife kindly had him and even offered to take my other two which I declined but I'd never put on her.

I'm not expecting that myself but she doesn't really get it, it's about how she feels not necessarily what I personally expect iyswim.

But I accept her feelings about that may not be rational and there are ways I can explain that to her.

I think it’s just human nature. Everyone thinks they won’t change when they have their own children but they do. Your love for your own children is so strong you realise that any love you had for other children doesn’t compare. She is now a mother and will always put her child first. You have to put yours first. Your expectations for any other parental involvement should be with your ex not his partner.

Yes. Exactly the same. Willingness to help with a stepchild is not the same thing as having a responsibility to do so. It’s a favour to the parent(s), not a duty.

@Luredbyapomegranate

… for balance as a PP says some of it is expected your daughter to be bore grown up - eg I’d agree she should be buying her own Father’s Day presents
^^

How on earth is she supposed to do this at 9 years old, on her own??
The SM should never have been doing this anyway.

Wow. What an unpleasant attitude. I am very glad my husband felt differently and loved my child and wanted him to feel wanted and valued.

Yep this.

Gosh, the entire OP is the absolute reverse of a thread posted by a step-mum the other day saying her DP was giving her a hard time for wanting to do stuff with her child and not include the DSC. What are the chances, eh?

(Seriously, when do the kids go back to school so all the fake threads stop?)

Honestly, this could be a reverse of the sort of thread that is posted on the SP board every day (not suggesting it actually is!)

Some of the changes seem fine- tidying a toddler's room makes sense whereas a 9yo can tidy their own room etc. If the SM has built a relationship with DD then basically dropped her overnight, that is obviously wrong. If, OTOH, it's just a changing dynamic due to the fact that there's a new baby, that's probably unavoidable. Likewise the SM wanting to do trips with her DC isn't unreasonable.

I think you need to speak to your ex about it all, your daughter's feelings, the practical changes etc. A bit more support from her dad might help her navigate some of these changes.

I did used to buy them myself but we were doubling up as SM would get her things too so I eventually stopped.

Sorry haven't RTFT, only OP's posts.

It's tricky because I think some of what your dd is experiencing is the natural outcome of acquiring a younger sibling and maybe has nothing to do with her being a stepchild. But not all.

There's a similar gap between my own two children. I did start expecting more from the older one when the younger came along. Having been an only child until the age of seven, dc1 was used to having quite a lot of my time and attention and having things done for them which they probably could have done themselves. It was tough for dc1, who did feel somewhat sidelined. Even now, in their 20s, dc1 loves dc2 but says but they still remember how good life was as an only child.

This. ^

@BonnieBobbet I feel for you! What a tough situation.

I’m a step mum and also have a three year old daughter. I don’t think my relationship with my DSD has changed since becoming a mum, but I know at times I struggle looking after two children so might be a little more impatient than I was when I just had my DSD. This might also be why DSD can’t stay at her parents - having two is much harder than having one.
If my DP isn’t around I am more picky on where I take them too, just because I have to think through how I’ll entertain them both and keep an eye on them etc. There’s a two year age gap between our children but it sounds like the age gap in your family is wider so this might play into it too.

I do also expect a little more from my DSD at home too - just in terms of making her bed, getting dressed, brushing her teeth/hair etc. Sometimes she will say to me that DC doesn’t do these things, but I talk about her being the bigger sister and that she can help teach DC to do these things too. I think she likes the role of big sister so this seems to work quite well.

There was one time (when DC was born) when DSD’s mum told us that DSD gets upset that DC gets a lot more attention. Personally I was really grateful to get this feedback as this wasn’t the experience I wanted to create for my DSD. I was able to talk to DSD about it and how together we could make sure she’s always involved.

I guess I’m sharing all of this to say that there might be lots of reasons why your daughter is experiencing a shift from her SM. Some of these reasons she might not make sense of on her own as a 9 year old and therefore I would definitely talk to the SP and your ex partner about this. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them so this wouldn’t come across as a criticism. This is about how you work together as a team to help your daughter feel included. There are things you can do in your home (such as similar expectations on household chores) and things they can do in their home (such as including your DD in Father’s Day shopping with her little brother). I can’t imagine any parent that wouldn’t want to know that their DC felt like this - and I include SP’s in that too!

What stuff? Stepmom stuff?? Should she have always been the evil stepmom??

The more you write the more you sound bitter. You say it is 50/50 but then imply the SM was helping both you and your ex out alot and over school holidays and on other occassions. So its 50/50 between the two parents but SM is just helping out....although that would imply your DD was with her at her home more often to help you out.

You seem bitter that SM is now a SAHM, your bitter that she seems to take holidays all the time and is off to disney. You have no idea if she has savings and is using her own money to fund this. Your DD goes on holiday with you why should she be going with her..

I am still bemused that you both think she should be going on sleepovers with SM parents, go on holiday with SM and her DC minus your ex, pick her up from school etc etc.

I think you need to reflect on who it is that is truly pissed off and support your DD. SM has clearly put her foot down and likely told your ex that you can both bugger off with your demands on her time. Good luck bringing it up with your ex, he i am sure will be fine but I have no doubt SM will be very clear in her response

Would the stepmother be receptive to a gentle approach along the lines of “daughter is really missing quality time with you, is there any possibility of you doing something with her occasionally?

Really? You would ask someone who used to go 'above and beyond' and now doesn't, to reconsider and perhaps 'do a bit more', rather than talking to the actual parent, who should have been doing it all, all along?

Wow. Just wow.

I am still bemused that you both think she should be going on sleepovers with SM parents, go on holiday with SM and her DC minus your ex,

I don't think she should, it was examples that she has given.

And the point re the holidays wasn't that I think SM should take DD by herself with her child. It was that they don't seem to prioritise ever taking a whole family holiday rather than SM taking her son on lots of one's throughout the year. But again I am willing to accept that's not reasonable.

There is nothing in this thread that suggests she isn't doing that.

Not everyone embraces the term "blended family" and views themselves as such. There is no contract when you get together with somebody with kids, people can and do choose to be less involved than that term implies. That goes for men and women.

It's quite common for step parents to start off doing a lot and slowly end up less willing to do so, as they realise they are being taken for granted, or problems start to appear in their relationship making them less eager to please or acting resentful, or the child grows up and becomes challenging to be around, or the SP simply begins to feel the child should be able to do certain things for themselves. It's not all about having their "own little family" and suddenly "replacing" the SC as people so often say.

But because of all that, it's best not to become reliant on step parents acting like a parent just because they didn't seem bothered about it in the beginning.