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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I hit DH

310 replies

Bnxybee · 23/08/2022 03:32

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 24/08/2022 08:34

MaryMcCarthy · 24/08/2022 08:24

How do you know he isn't posting his woes on an equivalent forum?

And why on earth do you feel confident enough to declare it's six of one and half a dozen of the other when you've only heard one side of the story? Is that how things work around here? You can really see why males victims of DV have such a hard time being believed.

Show quote history

Well yes!? You hear the posters side anything else is just speculation.

I mean he maybe posting on gamersnet but I assume about how his gaming was interrupted.

No wonder men can so easily gaslight their partners when even those who see the history don't even get it! Even worse worry about him. No wonder women don't seek help and end up completely trapped.

HailAdrian · 24/08/2022 08:36

'D'H is no victim, he's a nasty, abusive prick and OP has been ground down by him, based on her posting history.

OP, you need to leave him, you'll be OK.

Whiskeypowers · 24/08/2022 09:03

MaryMcCarthy · 24/08/2022 08:21

Are you high? She's the one who came on here to assuage her guilt about hitting her partner in anger... not him.

Show quote history

Sadly no. In answer to your asinine question.

off you trot

PolishingCandles · 24/08/2022 09:07

Imagine the uproar if it had been the other way around.
My wife didn't do as I asked, so I slapped her.

beastlyslumber · 24/08/2022 09:09

I know that most of the people posting in support of the abusive male are men (or maybe teens on school hols) but it's still quite sickening to see these MRA attitudes on mumsnet.

OP, I suggest name changing and posting again, and leaving out the fact that you slapped your abusive husband's arm. You will get better advice and it won't attract the MRAs.

Sometimeswinning · 24/08/2022 09:12

PolishingCandles · 24/08/2022 09:07

Imagine the uproar if it had been the other way around.
My wife didn't do as I asked, so I slapped her.

Imagine thinking you are the first person to suggest this on the thread?

We're all waiting for the thread of a mum ignoring her crying child whilst she sits around all night gaming.

PolishingCandles · 24/08/2022 09:16

@Sometimeswinning I know, shocking hey.

Sometimeswinning · 24/08/2022 09:39

PolishingCandles · 24/08/2022 09:16

@Sometimeswinning I know, shocking hey.

Not shocking. Just a bit odd!

PolishingCandles · 24/08/2022 09:41

@Sometimeswinning Ah well, don't worry about it, I don't.

Worrieddaughter29 · 24/08/2022 09:45

@MaryMcCarthy OP’s husband is a groper, sex pest, controlling and manipulative arsehole if you look through her posting history.
it doesn’t justify her hitting him but I don’t think the ongoing victim in this relationship is the husband.

Worrieddaughter29 · 24/08/2022 09:46

@PolishingCandles OP’s husband is a groper, sex pest, controlling and manipulative arsehole if you look through her posting history.
it doesn’t justify her hitting him but I don’t think the ongoing victim in this relationship is the husband.

Thornethorn · 24/08/2022 10:23

My wife didn't do as I asked, so I slapped her.

It's not as simple as that. A man could simply move a woman out of the way if he wished to reach and tend to his distressed child. He would be able to achieve this easily (although there are no threads like this because that scenario doesn't happen, if only men wanted to tend to their crying babies!!). A woman is in a completely different position.

Thornethorn · 24/08/2022 10:27

If the man in question was a victim of DV or felt himself to be such, it seems highly unlikely that he would deliberately place himself and his wife in a position where she couldn't comfort her crying child. He would be trying to avoid such volatility. Instead he doesn't give a toss.

Sometimeswinning · 24/08/2022 10:29

PolishingCandles · 24/08/2022 09:41

@Sometimeswinning Ah well, don't worry about it, I don't.

If I didn't worry I wouldn't have posted on this thread. You carry on not worrying (whilst replying in quick succession to my posts)

Meraas · 24/08/2022 11:06

Thornethorn · 24/08/2022 10:23

My wife didn't do as I asked, so I slapped her.

It's not as simple as that. A man could simply move a woman out of the way if he wished to reach and tend to his distressed child. He would be able to achieve this easily (although there are no threads like this because that scenario doesn't happen, if only men wanted to tend to their crying babies!!). A woman is in a completely different position.

Exactly!

Discovereads · 24/08/2022 11:58

Meraas · 24/08/2022 07:22

She explained that her DH was acting as a physical barrier between her and her hysterical child.

Whst mother can bear that?

Show quote history

The mothers that don’t hit their partners.

You’re also conveniently ignoring the sequence of events where upon waking to hear the DC crying around midnight, she felt “irrationally angry” towards her DH, she went to where he was online gaming “interrupted his precious game“ and told him to go to the DCs room. He went to the DCs room. The DC was screaming he wanted to go downstairs, but the DH said he shouldn’t be allowed to and that OP giving in is the cause of this behaviour. OP disagreed so she swore at him. Told him to go to bed. He didn’t move. So she slapped him on the arm and told him to get out. All in front of the DC.

He wasn’t there in the DCs room with her to block her, he was there because she’d told him to go there. If she hadn’t “interrupted his precious game” he’d not have been there to express an opinion and be slapped for it.

Sorry, but the “physical barrier” is an excuse for the inexcusable, and it’s also concerning OP has worded this in a way that dehumanises her partner into the equivalent of a traffic cone to be batted to one side.

Did you know that the England and Wales 2017/18 crime survey found that 32% of male victims of domestic abuse and 23% of women suffered a physical injury? Did you know that the England and Wales 2018/19 crime survey also found that 2.8% of heterosexual men and 5.6% of heterosexual women were victims of partner abuse? So 1 in 3 victims of heterosexual partner abuse are men. It’s more common than you are willing to admit.

And in a case like this where the female partner is doing 100% of the hitting, and is incredibly invested in justifying her actions and seeking support on MN- not to stop slapping, but to hear she isn’t abusive, to hear she was ‘at the end of her tether’ so it’s excusable, to hear ‘he’s a useless piece of shit and deserved it’ so she was justified and so on. And you’ve given her the victim blaming ammunition she’s needed to quiet what little bit of a conscience and guilt she feels about hitting her partner being wrong. You’ve done everything you can to support her into feeling like a righteous slappy hand of justice and to feed her anger towards her DH by calling her the victim because he’s ‘driven her to it’ with his ‘appalling behaviour’.

It is very clear to me that the DH is a victim of domestic violence and your “advice” is encouraging an abusive woman. If not to continue using violence in the current relationship, then to think it’s acceptable for her to slap any partner in similar situations when it is unequivocally unacceptable domestic violence.

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2022 12:04

And in a case like this where the female partner is doing 100% of the hitting

You need to read the op’s other threads or pay attention to what has been posted on this one.

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2022 12:07

To be clear, I’m not excusing the op hitting her partner. She should not have done that. There are long standing issues in this relationship for which they are both at fault. They need to urgently change things for the benefit of their child.

Discovereads · 24/08/2022 12:27

Thornethorn · 24/08/2022 10:27

If the man in question was a victim of DV or felt himself to be such, it seems highly unlikely that he would deliberately place himself and his wife in a position where she couldn't comfort her crying child. He would be trying to avoid such volatility. Instead he doesn't give a toss.

After the first slap under similar circumstances, I think he was trying to avoid a repeat.

The DC was crying, the DH kept on playing his game as he knew OP was home and was in control. He thinks the DC should CIO. Last time he tried to convince OP to leave the DC to cry, he was slapped. So he probably feels it’s best to leave the DC to the OP to do what she wants and keep well away from it all when the OP is at home.

The OP woke up hearing the DC crying saying she was feeling “irrationally angry” with the DH. She first went to him, “interrupted his precious game” telling him to go to the DCs room. When they’re both there, the DC is screaming that he wants to go downstairs. The DH disagrees and says the OP giving in is causing the DCs behaviour. The OP then swears at her DH, tells him to go to bed, and when he doesn’t move she slaps him on the arm and tells him to get out.

He didn’t place himself in the DCs room to block access. She had sent him to the DCs room, only to then order him to bed. Why did she not go direct to her “hysterically” crying DC?

Discovereads · 24/08/2022 12:27

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2022 12:07

To be clear, I’m not excusing the op hitting her partner. She should not have done that. There are long standing issues in this relationship for which they are both at fault. They need to urgently change things for the benefit of their child.

Agreed.

beastlyslumber · 24/08/2022 14:08

OMG the MRAs are out in force on this thread.

DontBlameMe79 · 24/08/2022 17:02

I’m not sure what many posters on this thread are on, but of course he deserved a slap based on OPs description. Bleating on about male DV is just silly and overdramatising. He’s a grown man for goodness sake and OP needed to get his attention. So I do excuse her hitting him. When did men become so delicate? They are men…

FrippEnos · 24/08/2022 17:18

DontBlameMe79

The point is that all violence is wrong.

When did men become so delicate? They are men…
that type of view is exactly the problem

NovaDeltas · 24/08/2022 17:22

He doesn't exactly sound like he brings anything to the table. I can't really get worked up about a tap on the arm.

You've ended up in the age old situation of having no money and no job so he thinks you won't leave. No easy fixes for that.

But it's over, really. You're lashing out, he's threatening you and swearing at a child. Your son will be far more damaged by his disinterested father than your DH will be by a slap on the arm.

NovaDeltas · 24/08/2022 17:24

"It is very clear to me that the DH is a victim of domestic violence"

If the definition is now that a swearing, aggressive male who gets a slap on the arm is a boo-boo victim in need of counselling, treatment and a parade, we may as well give up now. Words have meanings. He hasn't been lamped across the face with a saucepan. I'm sure he'll get over his trauma.