I hit DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

No he did not “deserve a slap”

Slapping is often seen as just a slap, rather than a form of physical abuse.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201207/how-define-physical-abuse-in-relationships-slap-push

”Allowing for any circumstances in which slapping or other types of physical violence is okay is a serious problem that threatens your own emotional stability, as well as the stability of your romantic relationship. Should you ever find yourself slapping or getting slapped by a partner — even just once — your relationship is in major trouble, and possibly beyond repair.

Violence is one of the ugliest colors of human nature, and engaging in any violence at all often begets further violence. If you tell yourself that there are some situations in which it would be understandable — though not ideal or right — to slap your partner, what you’re doing is giving yourself the option in the future to hit your own partner if sufficiently provoked. If you tell yourself it’s never okay to slap or hit your lover, you will hold yourself more accountable, not make excuses for yourself, and force yourself to manage your angry feelings when they overwhelm you.”

“If you ask anyone who's ever been violent toward another person — as I've asked many clients over the years — what it feels like to hit someone, you'll hear that hitting someone provides a powerful dose of immediate gratification for all the rageful, pent-up feelings. This kind of gratification is hard to get over, making the hitter more likely to do it again. Beyond the obvious reason that slapping or hitting someone is wrong and immoral, you shouldn't hit because you don't want to open the door to indulging a highly destructive catharsis that hurts everyone in its path.”

The OP was also swearing and aggressive. But shes the only one hitting her partner and has done so more than once.

You've ended up in the age old situation of having no money and no job so he thinks you won't leave. No easy fixes for that.

OP has a job and money.

As you think that there are acceptable levels of violence maybe you should write a list so that we can understand what is acceptable and what is not.

She has no money and the house is in the DH name....good they're married, but still.

She does work, but he earns triple what she does.

Look, I realise that hitting him was wrong. I can’t justify it.

DS was screaming and I wanted to take him downstairs. DH wanted to let him CIO as we’re both exhausted from lack of sleep. DH insisted on the CIO although I wanted to tend to him. He ignored me so I slapped his arm to get his attention but it was harder than I intended. (But not hard enough to physically hurt him.)

I'm not judging you here. I am going to say please don't ever hit him again, he probably will break your fingers.
Once you remove the barrier that we don't have the right to hit each other, it always goes downhill, and regardless of who started it, it's usually the man who finishes it.

So if a husband slapped a wife who had previously groped, been sexually demanding, controlling and manipulative, you'd be defending the husband?

You don’t need to keep justifying yourself to unhelpful people on here.

You’re clearly with a man who is unpleasant and doesn’t respect you and you don’t like him let alone love him and things are getting worse. Potentially dangerous for you.

I assume this has gone past fixable with relationship counselling? What are you going to do? You need to access support irl.

The hatred and bigotry on this thread is very disturbing.

So if a husband slapped a wife who had previously groped, been sexually demanding, controlling and manipulative, you'd be defending the husband?

I’d expect most posters to be telling him that he was out of order for slapping her, and also that the relationship sounds toxic so they shouldn’t be together. That’s what I’ve said to the op too…

@MaryMcCarthy No I wouldn’t defend the husband in that situation but I didn’t defend the wife in this situation either.
People are saying that OP is an abuser and that her husband is a dv victim but this isn’t the full picture, particularly those implying the children would be safer with the husband.
I think the fact the husband is a manipulative, controlling sex pest is relevant. He didn’t deserve to be hit but he certainly isn’t the only victim in this marriage.

There’s a difference between situational couple violence and intimate terrorism; between violence that arises from relationship conflict and from domination/coercive control patterns.

Look, we need to be completely clear here.

Your child was screaming hysterically; he was blocking you getting to your son. If it had been anyone but your husband, we would not be having this conversation. You would have been fully justified in pushing someone out of the way. What are you supposed to do? Call 999, inform the police, and wait for them to show up and move the person, while your son is crying hard enough to hyperventilate or vomit the whole time right behind the person?

And this is NOT how you do CIO, except in draconian methods almost no one approves of anymore. I thought we’d all pretty much worked out the difference between letting a child make noise for a VERY few minutes to see if they self-settle, and then following some kind of controlled crying pattern, versus letting a child cry until they’re hysterical and vomit, which will just push their cortisol through the fucking roof and they’ll never sleep and probably fear sleep more.

Now, with all that said, if he breaks your fingers in response to you trying to get to your child, it won’t be you spending the night in the cells. And believe me, when you tell the police, “He would not allow me to go to my child who was screaming hysterically. I am sure the neighbors might have heard this and can support me,” and you have broken fingers, it will be: him in the cells and the end of the relationship. Because breaking your fingers would be a huge escalation of the situation and a huge escalation in violence.

BUT IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR YOU TO NOT HAVE BROKEN FINGERS. Honestly, based on your comments, he’s already emotionally and verbally abusive. Now you know, based on the broken fingers comment, he’s just looking for any excuse to escalate to physical abuse. This situation has become incredibly, incredibly toxic and dangerous for you, whether you realize it or not.

Please call Womens Aid, please leave, and once you’re safe, please do the Freedom Programme before dating again, and don’t let anyone say you’re an idiot or stupid. You mixing up a few words or having brain fog is NOT a justification for anyone treating you like that. Even his mum knew it was wrong.

Why are people pretending OP is the same as an abusive male? It's clearly not the case.

Because they are ignorant

Both should be recognised for what it is and neither should be excused.

Violence is wrong.

Abusive women are not the same as abusive men. No one is pretending that they are.

But the fact they’re different doesn’t mean that abusive women

• do not exist, or


• are not abusive, or


• that their abuse is morally or legally acceptable/justified

And so constantly saying “it’s not the same” is completely irrelevant.

Few posters on this thread recognise them for what they are. From their posts it’s clear many don’t know the difference between the two.

All it needs is a quick Google to catch up.

As i wrote
“ignorant”

I think the nuances behind why this woman is slapping her partner matter more for analysis and prevention/rehabilitation efforts. It’s for the psychologists to hum and haw over, and decide how best to help OP stop being violent.

When it comes to the victim, slaps still hurt the same physically and psychologically.

When it comes to the justice system, it’s still physical violence against a person.

It’s abuse. It’s wrong. It’s illegal.

Nobody is saying abusive women don’t exist
the people you have issue with are saying the OP isn’t abusive, rather that she is trapped in an abusive dynamic whereby this man’s actually abusive behaviour is eliciting traumatised, disproportionate responses to his cruel, dismissive, threatening behaviour in an intimate situation

seems pointless to keep trying to make you and others see this but the dreadful irony is by not you are actually jeopardising the very mantra you keep repeating

I hope that you never experience or have to support a woman through this. Even if the only good thing that comes out of it is to realise how wrong you are.

Roughly translated - you don’t understand what I’m talking about, you can’t be bothered to find out.

@Whiskeypowers
he is trapped in an abusive dynamic whereby this woman’s actually abusive behaviour (hitting) is eliciting traumatised, disproportionate responses (hit me again and I break your fingers) to her cruel, dismissive, threatening behaviour in an intimate situation*

You’ve got your facts backwards there. So fixed it for you.

I hope that you never experience or have to support a woman through this.

Too late for that. Was expecting this particular assumption to show up, it usually does after the “ignorant” insult is deployed.

So
Recognising both forms of abuse for what they are
"ignorance"
Not excusing abuse
"ignorance"
violence is wrong
"ignorance."

I'm hoping that you want to rethink or at least reword your response.