I hit DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

OP's husband is already doing that. He slaps her bum every time she bends over despite knowing she doesn't like it. If OP's two slaps mean she us a violent abuser, what does that make her husband who is slapping and groping regularly?

QNC
So here's allowed to hit her regularly despite her protests because in his head he's doing it for fun, while she's not allowed to slap him lightly when he is blocking her way to her distressed baby?

That's awful. There is so much misogyny on this thread.

@QNC
I don't see anything in OP's posts that suggest that. I don't have a premium account so I can't see any of her previous topics.
This also has absolutely nothing to do with my question.
How irritating does a husband need to find his wife's behaviour before he is justified in slapping her?

@DillAte
you don’t need a premium account to do a search
just put op’s username in the search facility. You will be able to read them …….

You don't need a premium account to see her previous threads.

I'm actually not sure what your question has to do with the post you originally quoted, given Lovelock doesn't seem to be suggesting that the husband being "irritating" meant the slap was justified.

How irritating does a husband need to find his wife's behaviour before he is justified in slapping her?

Nobody should be slapping each other. Male on male. Male on female. Female on male. Female on female. Adult on child. Child on child.

The op should not have slapped her husband. That event did not happen in isolation though. She has said many worrying things about their relationship and the fact she slapped her husband doesn’t negate that. She needs support to leave or seriously change things.

@QNC
Good to know. I will bear it in mind in future.
The poster I replied to seemed to suggest that OP was being abused and the husband was not.

I can't imagine how you can see the lead-up to the situation she described as abusive, whilst not finding her striking her husband abusive UNLESS you think there are certain behaviour that would justify a wife striking her husband.

The easiest way to help people see the issues with this is a role reversal because empathy seems to correlate with a person's ability to find similarities between themselves and the target.

The husband has a view on parenting. One of her previous posts even states that his CIO idea worked for a period. The idea that it is ok for differences in parental approach to be settled by physical violence is absurd to me.

If the relationship is not working for her (and it does not sound like it is), the correct response is some sort of mediation/counselling or leaving.

It is clear even through reading just this thread and the replies from the OP not only does he physically abuse her (after all he hits her bum even though she doesn't like it), mentally and financially abuses her too. There is a clear difference in being kept away from your child while they become hysterical and lashing out than being abused.

To the OP - please don't for one second that your husbands actions or words are reasonable. He doesn't care for you and you do not deserve to be treated as you are. I know its hard but please prioritise yourself and your own mental health. Ignore the comments cruxifying you - they don't know what it's like living in an environment such as yours and have jumped on you trying to make you the scapegoat. You are not and are simply broken by a man who doesn't deserve you or your child. You deserve better.

Why didn’t you read the other posts then?
or did you and get a better idea of her situation and how he absolutely is abusive.

Can I remind you of the Sally Challen case? She was driven to killing someone, so yes sometimes otherwise wrong actions are a result of historic abuse suffered by the perpetrator.

Having read OPs previous posts, I think this could be a classic example.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Just to remind you that even though Sally Challen's murder conviction (was rightly) overturned, she was still convicted of manslaughter.

Just to remind you she was driven to manslaughter....

And she still had to accept responsibility for her actions and serve just under 9.5 yrs in prison.

@Whiskeypowers
I skimmed a few of them. I still don't see how you could call his behaviour abusive if you wouldn't call OP's abusive.

It definitely doesn't sound like the relationship is serving either party very well. I never disputed that. I just think that whichever party introduces physical violence as a means of resolving conflict within a relationship is going to be more in the wrong 99% of the time (I couldn't really say what the 1% would be, other than preventing the partner from harming someone).

If the relationship is not serving you, you should leave.

If you could direct me to the post that contains the behaviour that you believe justifies hitting your partner, I would be very grateful.

@LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Everyone is driven to do whatever they do. A man who slaps his wife will feel just as justified as OP in doing it in the moment at the very least. That is not the barometer for whether it is correct behaviour or not.

I still don't see how you could call his behaviour abusive if you wouldn't call OP's abusive

Abusive in the context of da = coercive control foregrounding psychological abuse that can involve verbal abuse, manipulation, degradation, gaslighting (in the true da sense not how it’s used online - ie mind games to make the person doubt their sanity and convince them they’re mentally ill) and generally monitoring and controlling the person’s daily life including activities, friends, clothing, food intake etc. Sexual abuse and financial abuse as well as physical abuse may also factor.

What of this are you seeing in the OP’s behaviour?

I'm surprised the Daily Mail hasn't picked this one up yet (maybe it has, I don't read it). You can imagine the headline:
'Mumsnet Readers Condone Violence Towards Men'
...in a recent thread on Mumsnet the majority of readers gave their support to a woman who hit her husband when he didn't do as she told him to. She was justified, they said, because he disagreed with her parenting style and played computer games at midnight rather than attending his crying child.

The DH is clearly no saint, and the relationship sounds toxic, but is that really an excuse for violence, nomatter how gentle the slap was? What's more worrying than the event itself is the number of people saying she was justified in her use of force, as if its somehow acceptable. If you're not happy in a relationship hitting your partner is not the best way forward. I know this from first hand experience (being the one that got hit).

I just want to add that I'm in no way attacking the OP in my post above, she is in a difficult situation and sounds like she needs real help and advice in dealing with it. There are basically three options in any difficult situation. Accept it, change it or leave it. Only the OP can decide what to do of course, but counselling would be a good start, if nothing else to help understand and see the situation for what it is. It's hard to make rational decisions when under stress and sometimes we need a little bit of outside help.

@DillAte where did I say it was correct behaviour?

Mumsnet Readers Condone Violence Towards Men
...in a recent thread on Mumsnet the majority of readers gave their support to a woman who hit her husband when he didn't do as she told him to.

Most of the posters supporting the op are still saying she should not have hit him.

She was justified, they said, because he disagreed with her parenting style and played computer games at midnight rather than attending his crying child.

Practically nobody has said that. You’re rewriting the thread to make a point. A few posters said it was understandable the op slapped him because he was standing between her and her child.

Yes and the conviction was reduced from murder to manslaughter after a psychiatric assessment said she had diminished responsibility due to adjustment disorder and a personality disorder.

It was not because the court agreed that she was “driven” to kill her husband by his actions.

She was originally sentenced to life, but the manslaughter conviction reduced that and she did 14yrs in prison.

She wasn’t the victim. She’s a convicted domestic abuser.

@LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Reading between the lines, that's what I assumed your point was. OP's behaviour was justified by her husband's behaviour.

Was it really just that people do things because of some external stimulus?
Because that's the case for everything.
If someone on a moped pulls your phone out of your hand as you're walking down the street, they were "driven to it" by the fact that they wanted someone's phone and yours was accessible.

Up until this point, I thought you were just naive. Now it’s clear you are a victim blamer with an agenda. It’s repellent.

You apparently know better than her sons and those who knew the family that she was abused and completely controlled by her husband, and indeed the judge who accepted the manslaughter plea (instead of retrial) acknowledging her husband was a domestic abuser.

Her defence at the original trial was diminished responsibility, but her husband’s abuse was minimised.

It was Justice for Women who submitted the appeal, got her original conviction overturned, and a retrial set in the context of coercive control becoming illegal in 2015 and her history of decades of abuse. She was sentenced to 9 years but walked free due to time served.

Don't ever read between the lines!