I hit DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

The only backwards part of it is your mindset. This man is trapped in nothing except an addiction to gaming and a predilection for torturing his so called partner and absolutely neglecting his young son.

abusive men love women like you because you actually have no insight whatsoever. Well they don’t love you they hate you because you’re a woman but they love the fact that you are as I say ignorant.

knowledge is power after all
something - when it comes to domestic abuse - you are woefully lacking in.

No
I’m really happy with calling your post ignorant because it is

go and actually learn about the reality of domestic abuse
speak to a counsellor or therapist
speak to someone who works per a domestic abuse organisation

then come back and contribute to this topic when hopefully they’ve all unpicked and explored the realities of how abuse victims are sometimes pushed to behaving whilst ultimately still being the real victim

That’s just another way of calling me ignorant. You could have saved yourself some typing there. I understand you’re obfuscating to minimise the OPs physical abuse.

This

Been there, done that.

The ignorance is all yours in throwing insulting terms around whilst also thinking that you know anything about the person posting them.

But you keep on supporting someone in promoting a toxic atmosphere for them, their husband and child to live in.

The OP's situation isn't going to be resolved until someone accepts responsibility for their actions and finally breaks the cycle.

Lets hope that this happens before the child sees this as the way that relationships are supposed to be and inflicts in on their partner.

OP, your relationship sounds awful.

Please call Womens aid for advice and support.

Your husband sounds like utter scum and his mother knows it too.

I'm sorry things are so hard.

He's a bully.

You need to reach out for support.

Wow. 4 out of 5 sentences were dedicated to insulting me.
“the only backwards part of it is your mindset” = ignorant

“you actually have no insight whatsoever”= ignorant

”you are as I say ignorant.” = ignorant

“knowledge is power after all something - when it comes to domestic abuse - you are woefully lacking in.” = ignorant

The 5th sentence is exaggerated allegations against a victim of physical violence.

Insults are the last resort of a person who….well you know the rest. I’m sure you’ll forgive me not writing anything substantive, there isn’t really anything to say in response to such emesis.

If she leaves her abusive partner that will happen: the breaking the cycle. That’s what she needs support with.

she will - I suspect - not slap anyone else again. Don’t suppose anyone else will taunt her, denigrate her, leave most of the parenting to her, absorb themselves in gaming while she falls apart and they use her up.

I am willing to bet he will treat another woman this way. If she leaves she will soon be replaced.

don’t confuse abusive with toxic by the way. Not the same thing

as I said. Ignorant .

@FrippEnos
The OP's situation isn't going to be resolved until someone accepts responsibility for their actions and finally breaks the cycle. Lets hope that this happens before the child sees this as the way that relationships are supposed to be and inflicts in on their partner.

Well said. 👍🏻

You wlll be waiting a long time if you think anything that comes out of your mouth - so to speak - regarding domestic abuse will resonate with me.

you are ignorant
happy to pass that insult your way

Happy to be anywhere but on the same page as you.

i’m not insulted by your response. It’s validation for me. It’s a huge compliment that you find me ignorant because I would never want to be associated with the retrograde claptrap you’re spouting

hope that helps clarify things

OP, I absolutely believe your husband is a horrible man.

But the solution is to leave him, not to hit him.

You literally despise each other, from the sound of it, and you should not be in a relationship.

I didn’t say you were ignorant! I was quoting your insults to me and the equal sign meant they’re exactly the same as just calling me ignorant. Ignorant seems to be your go to insult, no matter how flowery you word it. It’s all over this thread.

I wonder if all the posters saying it's ok because.... realise that they are putting a narrative out their that abusive men will read and will take onboard? They're not going to read this and think oh this is different because it's the woman who hit. They're going to see all these posts and think all these women agree that slapping someone because you were angry and exhausted is ok. They aren't going to take on any nuance, they are going to see this as an excuse for their behaviour. Leaving aside who is abusive or toxic or whatever, is it really best for women suffering DV to have this narrative be supported that slapping is ok in certain circumstances? Any men that are capable of understanding any possible difference between this and systemic abuse won't be the ones that are abusing women.

Your husband sounds horrible OP, he could well be abusive. Your behaviour is at least toxic though, not ok to hit or make excuses afterwards. Stbxh is abusive, I could understand losing it and hitting out reactively, but what makes no sense to me is he hasn't done whatever necessary to get back in control, to gaslight and blame you. If I hit stbxh the moment after I slapped him I'd feel terrified. At best he would make me feel utterly horrible and worthless and to blame for everything including his behaviour for the whole of our relationship, there'd be a good chance he'd throw or kick things and scream, he's scary, at worst I really don't know if he'd escalate to something like pushing. I can't imagine hitting him and not being made to pay for it.

My opinion would be the same. It's not good, shows a loss of control, but not totally surprising under the circumstances with a tired parent who is totally unsupported with a child who isn't easily managed. These are the kinds of situations where child abuse can happen too, because the parent is not able to cope. It doesn't mean they don't love their kids. And in this instance, her husband wasn't actually hurt at all, given that it was less forceful than a playful bum slap.

And then there is a partner who is simply not stepping up when it's required, by his wife and child, because he wants to play his video game.

The idea that all physical aggression is the same is just not true. No matter whether it involves men or women.

What you are saying here is that it is ok to be less than truthful about what happens in real, specific circumstances, if it serves your purpose.

If you can't talk about what's real, you have nothing.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons
”Leaving aside who is abusive or toxic or whatever, is it really best for women suffering DV to have this narrative be supported that slapping is ok in certain circumstances?”

it’s not ok. Who said it was “ok”?
what some of us have done is tried to place this reaction/ behaviour in the context of what we believe is an abusive dynamic, the abuse being inflicted by the husband. There is nobody who has explored this who is handing her a Blue Peter badge. Neither is she to herself.

in answer to your “question” above, it is appropriate women are supported in such circumstances if they are indeed suffering domestic violence and said abuse is the catalyst for this sort of reaction. Supported to get help and leave and develop mechanisms to identify abuse as well as prevent it happening again. Part of that involves a series of realisations about the abused and the abuser. In this specific context parroting that violence is wrong is unnecessary. They already know. That knowledge and shame that this is what they been reduced to is not the mark of an abuser.

if you and other people - particularly women - cannot cope with this analogy and consider its implications then it’s as harmful as telling women in these desperate situations that it’s all their fault or that you don’t believe them. It reminds me of the “why doesn’t she just leave” vantage point. Mostly those trotting that out have no idea.

Thats what this whole thread screams, it's not ok but.... it kind of is because he did... That is what people will read this as, what women who are 'just' slapped a little will take from it. What abusive men will. We don't teach out kids it's not ok, but .. the law doesn't say it's not ok, but... its kinda of ok because you were forced into it. We shouldn't be repeating the things gaslighting abusive men say as if they were ever valid arguments for why what they do is ok. I wish I had no idea. I should
have hidden this thread when I saw where it was going, I feel sick reading people sprouting the same justifications as him, so I will click away and you can think what you will.

Discovereads, did you actually look up OP's previous threads about her husband, as PPs suggested?

Whiskeypowers

Again the insult is thrown about.

But you do you.

Your response is steeped in ignorance in that it has no basis in fact.
You don't know if he will be "abusive" again.
You don't know if the OP will hit someone again.

Its all supposition and are you saying that this situation isn't toxic as you said ignorant.

I think a lot of posters have experience with only female victims of domestic abuse, and are not familiar with male victims of domestic abuse.

And in this instance, her husband wasn't actually hurt at all, given that it was less forceful than a playful bum slap.

Thats what the person doing the hitting says. It’s very common for partners who hit to claim their hitting didn’t actually hurt or wasn’t that hard in an effort to deny the abuse. I wonder whether the person on the receiving end would agree that being slapped didn’t hurt? And I thought we were long past the you must have bruises or its not abuse myth.

And then there is a partner who is simply not stepping up when it's required, by his wife and child, because he wants to play his video game.

Many female abusers of men establish a narrative of the useless partner/father to justify their actions. She hit him during one night crying incident, so now he leaves her to handle the night crying sessions. That’s a pretty normal reaction really to try and avoid situations where you’ve been hit. Then when she decides she wants him present at a midnight one, she orders him away from his online mates & game to the DCs room, then she swears at him and hits him again in response to nothing amounting to any kind of abuse at all from him. Now she can complain she does all the night wakings which is yet more ammunition to claim he’s a useless father. But is he? OP complains about the food he cooks for himself and DC. She skips over the fact he’s on his game late at night after caring for the DC and doing the bedtime routine while she’s at work. Is cooking dinner for the DC and getting them to bed before playing a game in the evening the act of a neglectful father?. She complains bitterly that he makes more than twice as much money than what she does, so he’s contributing financially.

It’s the language you mistakenly apply that causes the issue - “justify”

nobody is justifying anything. If you are being abused why is it your role to justify what is being done to you or your response?

Have you read her other posts? Go and do just that.

a response to facts can also be as ignorant as one based on supposition incidentally.

a toxic relationship requires sustained bouts of mutually damaging and reinforcing behaviour and considerably less inequity on every basis. Neither of those things are at play here.

as I’ve stated to another poster more then happy to disagree with someone. Applies to you too.

The people that are actually supporting the husband here need to give their head a wobble. You need to have a serious think about the environment the husband has caused for the OP - it is clear she is being abused and needs to leave for her safety as well as her sons. Take a minute to leave all your clear grudges at the door and look at this situation in its form. The OP here is the victim.

How irritating does a woman need to be before it's ok for her husband to hit her?
Is the standard the same?