I hit DH

[Bnxybee]

I slapped DH on the arm.

For context, my 3-year-old DS is a terrible sleeper. We usually put him to bed at around 8 or 9 but he’s often awake by midnight screaming hysterically and wanting to go downstairs. We’ve tried the “cry it out” method to no avail and we’re both sleep deprived.

I came back from work tonight and DS was
asleep. When I started to drift off around midnight, he woke up and started screaming. At this point, I was irrationally annoyed with DH who was gaming with his online mates. I’ve been up since just before 6 am but I stayed up with DS the night before last (I think. I’m actually getting my days mixed up). I asked DH to help me settle him and he seemed so pissed off I interrupted his precious game. DS was screaming that he wanted to go downstairs but DH wanted to let him cry it out. His crying became more and more hysterical whilst DH told me I’m the cause of his behaviour for giving into him at bed time. Truthfully, I just can’t let him cry it out, especially when he starts thrashing and hyperventilating like he’s going to be sick and sometimes even head butting (suspected ASD).

I swore at DH and told him to go to bed because I would stay up with DS. He didn’t move and without a thought I slapped his arm and told him to get out. He turned around and told me that if I ever hit him again he would break my fingers. I know I shouldn’t have slapped him but it honestly wasn’t hard at all. DH even said so but said there was malice there. Again, I know I’m making excuses for myself but he has (playfully) slapped my bum twice as hard when I’ve stood up next to him. Still, if he’d have done that to me tonight I’d be shocked and angry.

I'm just incredibly frustrated. He doesn’t really do anything with DS when he finishes work. It would be nice if he took him to the park for half hour or even kicked a ball around with him (he’s such a busy, active child). Yesterday, he shouted and swore at me in front of DS and my MIL who actually pulled him up on it and texted me
today to see if I was okay.

I want to create a sensory room for DS to see if it helps his sleep but DH isn’t interested so I have to pay for all of it. Despite being on less than half his salary.

I still hit him though.

Honestly, he sounds like an absolute prick. You need to let him know his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to step up and be a better parent. I fucking hate PlayStation/Xbox things, they get so addicted, everything comes after their precious games. I get it.

You won't get a straight answer here because a playful bum slap is GBH in mumsnet land.

An awful lot going on here.

Firstly I think your DH needs to accept the your DS needs additional support, CIO is not working. You've indicated that there may be additional needs, once DH accepts this then he may be more accepting of the situation.

Secondly, as you know you've crossed a line, twice now.

You can only ask your DH to try to forgive and move forward together, it is of course jus prerogative if he wishes to do this or not.

I think that both the incidents in wish you've lashed out are due to your being highly stressed and tired due to DS, whilst your instinct is to protect and nurture, you can't let this manifest into being physical. I'm not condoning any violence ever, but if by getting some help or a plan in place for your DS, avoids these situations, then it may be that the slapping is also avoided.

You also need to address the financial abuse and lack of help in the home, it's not just you who is wrong here.

So the two occasions that you lashed out and slapped his arm were both when he was physically blocking you from helping your distressed child @Bnxybee ?

And he kicked you the first time in response and threatened to break your fingers this time?

He threatens you with applying for full custody if you mention leaving by playing on past MH issues?

And you have no financial security, savings of your own? You tall about you paying for the sensory room yourself....despite him having 3x the income you do....do you not have access to shared money?

The relationship does sound toxic and coercive controlled by him. I feel it is unfair to paint you as some sort of abuser and him a battered husband. That said, you need to stop letting your frustration and upset out by physically lashing out at him. You are handing him more ammunition, which I suspect may be the reaction that he is after. Then he can hold your MH and "domestic violence " over your head.

I think you need to speak to Womens Aid and make plans to leave.

I also think you need to speak to your GP about your son's sleep issues.

As a DV and CC victim in the past I don't dismiss what you did lightly. I just feel that there is something bigger going on and that the slapping him was more a sign of your exhaustion and frustration than you being some sort of monster.

Please be kind to yourself and try and look at the whole situation. Children sense far more than we give them credit for and living in a house full of tensions won't help your DS sleep either.

So the two occasions that you lashed out and slapped his arm were both when he was physically blocking you from helping your distressed child @Bnxybee ?

@Chickmad well that’s one reading of what happened 🙄

OP said herself, she went and disturbed her DH from his game to come and help settle DS. He seemingly complied. They then had a disagreement over the right approach and she decided she wanted him to leave. When he wouldn’t, she slapped him.

What happened to your flat? Where did your savings go? Why is the house in his name?

You realise custody is not a personality contest?

I’ll get flamed but the useful fucker needs more than a slap. Oh and the cry it out method doesn’t work and is damaging.

you should leave.

UseLESS

And the apologist has already made an appearance.

Agree with this, I don’t think you’re abusive but you shouldn’t have done it - equally his response is unacceptable and actually worse imo. I think he sounds useless and I wonder if you’re getting anything from being with him… I would consider leaving. You sound very stressed (understandably!) and he’s not supporting you. I don’t think it’s sustainable for you to carry on as you are. Don’t overreact - your son is safe with you but honestly you know something needs to change so I would maybe trial a separation of sorts. I think you’d be happier without a man child playing computer games over yours and your child’s basic needs. I think you also know that’s shit from him.. don’t tolerate it. Good luck xxxx

There is a lot of abuse in this household, you have physically abused DH, DH is verbally abusing you, DS is being emotionally abused by living in this household and neglected by cry it out. I think you need to speak to your HV urgently because this is not acceptable for anyone at the moment.

Dont be ridiculous, her dh won't last 5 minutes by himself with a child.

Plus how about reading the post and the history. I don't blame her for breaking! When you're trapped with an absolute useless excuse of a partner something will happen. I have zero sympathy for him!

I am tempted to bookmark this for next DW coming here talking about her DH getting physical and him thinking she can't survive by herself because she is useless. Must have made him do it, eh...

I didn’t realise there was now an expectation to read a poster’s entire post history before commenting…

No justification for initiating violence, none at all.
Yabu.

I'd say leave him - you & your son will be better off without him. He doesn't sound like he brings anything to the relationship.

Everyone that’s been violent looks to justify themselves as to why the person they laid hands on drove them to it.

if he’s an arsehole that’s a separate issue. The fact that you crossed a line and vented your frustrations by hitting him is a different one. You’re responsible for your own behaviour, ‘he/she made me do it’ is not an excuse.

It's all there in the post! She's painted a pretty clear picture of their relationship.

Imagine him being sole parent to a toddler. You're brilliant piece of advice!

This is a very abusive household. You and your DH are physically abusing each other, he's emotionally and verbally abusing you, and your son is being neglected and emotionally abused by being exposed to your DH abusing you.

You absolutely need to separate.

I don't blame her for breaking!

so you think there is a place for violence within a relationship...?

I wonder if anyone responding that it's ok has considered that posts like these could be a reverse and they're telling some man it's ok to hit your partner if your angry? I don't think that changes the response personally, but some people obviously do and this is a really dangerous message to spread for the safety of women.

I also wonder how many of these posters saying OPs actions are ok because. (Insert excuse)... teach their kids it's ok to hit when you're anger or frustrated? My DC are Autistic, so i've had to do a lot of work with them around things like hitting. Our youngest is 5 years old, Autistic and impulsive and still learning and you know what we tell him, "it is ok to feel however you feel, it is ok to be angry or frustrated or hurt, it is not ok to hit or hurt someone because of how you feel." The moment you use physical violence (that's not self defence) you are in the wrong. There are no ands ifs or buts, unless it is self defence it isn't ok to hit someone.

There are a few things OP, your relationship is toxic and it will take both if you working together to repair that if repair is possible. If your DH isn't even willing to try them you have your answer, it's over. The other is you need to make changes or get help, do whatever you need to do to make sure you don't hit him again. Why you hit him doesn't matter, you've hit him twice and even if you won't consider his right to not be hit in a relationship, think about your child, because next time you hit him they might witness this.

I know I was completely in the wrong and it’s unlike me to react with violence. I do feel ashamed.

I will say that both times I reacted in that way way, DH was a physical barrier between myself and DS who was hysterical. DH doesn’t normally use CIO but in this instance he wanted to try it despite my pleas and protesting.

Co-sleep with your son; husband gets the spare room. Then, work out a contingency plan ready for marital separation .

That's exactly what he wants. He's goading you. Pushing you to your limits. He wants you to snap so 1 he has an excuse to treat you like shit 2 you feel so ashamed of your reaction you back down 3 your guilt stops you from speaking out and leaving him.
Do you have any family or friends you could stay with? MIL wouldn't be my first option as it would be a lot easier for him to talk you round while there. Contact a DV service as there may be places for you both, at least you'll have support anyway.
I guarantee he wouldn't want full or even 50/50 custody. I'd bet my house on it. He might say it, use it as a threat but he'd never carry through with it. He'd have to actually parent and he's not capable of doing it now with you there.
Was it his idea to put the current home in his name only? Were your savings ate up by lack of income and lack of support from him?
Staying in this situation is not going to help your son, I'm not saying that's the cause of his sleep problems but kids are not stupid and they pick up a lot more than we realise.

Did he want to do CIO because you had tried everything else or because he wanted to carry on gaming?

You were completely unreasonable to hit him, even if you say it wasn’t hard.

You say you’ve tried CIO but can’t leave him to cry. Your DH accusing you giving into him makes me think you probably didn’t try that hard.

If your DH is capable of carrying out sleep training with something like CC, why not let him have a go for 3 nights or so.

Why not stay in the room with him instead of bringing him downstairs? Next time, he’ll scream to request going down again because that’s the reward he gets for screaming.

Why do you think a sensory area in the bedroom will help him sleep? Would it not be more distracting? Have you tried a weighted blanket?

FWIW, I could never let mine cry it out but they slept from 2, when I stopped bf do it wasn’t as long as yours.

You are married so the house being in his name doesn’t matter