About the random man who commented on my baby in the supermarket?

[Pbbananabagel]

so I honestly don’t know if I was a bit too touchy about this and should’ve just smiled and moved on-

Random man leaned into my face and said “he looks like he’s smoking a cigarette, look how he’s holding that crisp”

it completely rubbed me up the wrong way and I said “thanks for that random man in the supermarket, that’s exactly the kind of comment a mum on her own in the supermarket needs to hear.”

he responded “don’t be stupid it was only a joke’

to which I said “you don’t know what might be on someone’s mind when you make comments like that” and he tutted and said
”really it’s a joke, so ridiculous” and walked off.

I felt so uncomfortable, people were staring and I thought maybe that was a step too far and I should’ve just let it go.

I lost two parents to cancer and one of the anniversaries is in two days. Today is the anniversary of me getting the call out of the blue at work that said “it’s cancer and he’s dying so get down here (300 miles away)” when my dad had just felt unwell on holiday and gone to the walk-in. So maybe I’m too touchy.

So, thank AIBU or was this random man really in need of my response?

sorry totally ott, he was just making a stupid joke.

I’m glad young women are standing up to male superiority, instead of staying quiet, as you seem to want them to do
Christ alive! And you're blissfully unaware that you've just completely proved her point 🤣

I actually feel sorry for the man. Maybe he himself has a backstory and just wanted a little human interaction.
He wasn't being aggessive or offensive, just trying to make a little joke. Maybe it really did look like the child was holding a cigarette. You could have just smiled politely, whether it was a man or a woman making the comment. No need to turn it into a big deal. Then you could always have a moan later to your friend or something.

"I’m glad young women are standing up to male superiority, instead of staying quiet, as you seem to want them to do."

Wow, someone making a harmless joke about a sweet scene is an example of male superiority?! Women make these comments all the time about babies. Are they trying to display" female superiority" or is it just a natural need for human interaction? Some people don't talk to anyone for days and exchanging a few words with strangers at the shops is a lifeline for them.

Sure, except I didn't say that. I clearly said that the OP made a mistake, which she admits, and then tried to offer a silver lining. It's a good thing to know that you can defend yourself (and a bad thing to not be able to tell when you don't need to, but the OP admits that).

Maybe he did, but the OP (or any woman on her own in a supermarket) doesn't owe him an interaction to make him feel better. She might be happy to engage in
Conversation, in which case great, but if she doesn't she shouldn't feel obliged to carry on to make him happy

I get what you're saying, but do we not have some kind of obligations to the people round us if we live in a functioning society? Yes no one "owes" anyone interactions, in which case there were easier ways of shutting down an interaction than what the OP did. She could have smiled in a not smiling way and moved away, for example. Would have given a clear message.

During the pandemic people on MN moaned a lot about "selfishness" - people not doing exactly what the moaner wanted in terms of social distancing, isolation etc. Well, we didn't owe anyone that, but most of us did it anyway, even if we thought it was all bullshit, because we kept being told we owed it to people to help them feel comfortable. There's a happy medium between the stupid excesses of #bekind and deliberately shutting down all attempts at interaction.

Someone mentioned upthread about how worried threads like this make her feel with regard to her elderly father, and how a reaction like the OP's would have greatly upset him. Either we are #beingkind and #walkingamileinsomeoneelse'shoes or we're not.

And this was in response to other posters rather than the OP by the way. The people who insist that no one owes anyone else any kind of politeness.

Totally ott OP which it looks like you get now. I struggle to understand the motivation to deliberately humiliate someone just for the crime of gauging a harmless comment slightly wrongly. The man hate on this thread is insane. Do none of you have sons? Does it not feel unbearable to think of them being spoken to like that?

I didn't say no-one owes anyone politeness, I said interactions. If someone if polite to me I will be polite back. I don't think a weird comment from a man to a woman who then challenges her when she responds to make it clear she didn't appreciate his comment is particularly polite.

Either way, what you're saying is "I guess if ok not to be comfortable or happy about a man making a slightly odd. comment about your child but whatever you do don't upset them". Why should the OP or someone in a similar position be the one to check and modify their behaviour in response to an interaction they didn't even want or invite?

The way I see it the sort of interactions a poster's unwell, elderly father might benefit from are at risk of not happening precisely because when women react in a less than polite and docile way they're told theyre awful and should have been nicer. The men (because it is usually men) who make women feel uncomfortable with unwanted, uncomfortable comments are the ones to blame here

"Man hate" 🙄 Its not about hating men, it's about women being allowed to have off days, react badly to a comment which hurts them, etc without being told they're responsible for the breakdown of society

I have two sons and they'll be brought up to understand exactly why a woman on the receiving end of what to them might seem an innocuous interaction may not be comfortable with it. If they make a comment which does make someone react badly then they'll be taught to apologise and leave the recipient alone

Not as bad as the delivery man who said to me “ah look at your baby? 10 fingers and 10 toes, that’s all he needs. And a Willy”

😳

The men (because it is usually men) who make women feel uncomfortable with unwanted, uncomfortable comments are the ones to blame here

Really?? There's plenty of women enquiring about why you're still single, when you're going to have kids, comments on appearances or weight, should you be eating that/wearing that/doing that or the way you parent or whether you've slept with too many men etc etc. The bloke cracked a joke - OP doesn't have to like it, but if she would refrain from publicly humiliating any woman who said the same thing, she could do the same here. There wasn't anything sexual or oppressive or controlling about the comment to suggest this is some man asserting dominance. It was an observation of her baby (people make observations and talk to people, even men can talk to women, it's not unusual) and while she can dislike it, there are measured ways to respond. I don't blame him for being cross in response, who wouldn't be put out if you made one comment on a baby's chip and got a verbal telling off that you're being threatening to a mum on her own in the supermarket .

Just like when you dislike a stranger's comment you don't cuss them out or punch them, you don't take out your own baggage on them either. Otherwise society as a whole fails if ever male-female interaction is viewed with this level of discomfort - best to save energies for when a man really is being inappropriate.

Well, no, because I’m young at all. But I’m glad women are standing up for themselves, after the rampant sexism of the 70s and 80s (and even 90s) with

👏👏👏👏
Great post.

Since when is getting right in someone’s face and leaning into them harmless?

If he was just being ‘sweet’ he would have apologised and moved on, but he tutted and made comments when rebuked.

But that's not what OP told him - she didn't rebuke him for getting in her face or invading personal space. She didn't tell him his comment wasn't funny and actually rude.

She insinuated that his comment felt threatening - talking about being a mum alone in a supermarket. So if someone makes a comment on a chip looking like a cigarette and then gets publicly accused of being threatening, of course they're going to be defensive. Because feeling threatened is not a rebuke to be made lightly unless you are genuinely feeling threatened or like your life is in danger. It's an accusation that could cause serious trouble for the other person so of course they will be angry. Like if you stopped to ask a person the time and they told you off loudly for trying to rob them - would you be apologising or angry they were humiliating you for no reason.

It's ok to tell people off if they are bothering you, but if you can't be clear on WHY they are bothering you and instead throw accusations around you don't even believe - no apology will be forthcoming. And it's why OP feels upset after the encounter, rather than validated.

Since when is getting right in someone’s face and leaning into them harmless?

I'm not awfully convinced that bit happened.

If he was just being ‘sweet’ he would have apologised and moved on, but he tutted and made comments when rebuked.

There is no need to become meek and apologetic when you're rebuked and ranted at for nothing. That was him standing up for himself when he told the OP she was being silly.

You're massively OTT.

If someone if polite to me I will be polite back.

So you never instigate any kind of social interaction with someone you don't know?

(Genuine question)

Yes, I'm trying to envision this -> this guy will definitely not go home crying, he got right in front of me and leaned down into my face so plenty of confidence there when op was apparently pushing the child in a buggy.
Hard to imagine.

I'm beginning to think we are fast approaching a time when everyone will be going about their daily business without making eye contact with anyone or daring to make a throwaway remark for fear of offending someone. What a sad world that will be.

Some of you would have hated my much missed mum as she would strike up a conversation with any random stranger. Old, young, male, female, at the bus stop, in the supermarket, library, post office. She just loved to chat. She usually had their entire life story by the end as well, without even asking direct questions.

As an aside, I think a baby posing as if they're smoking a cig is hilarious and both me and husband have commented to each other and laughed about something like that with bubba.

It's not a real cigarette, it's just a baby posing in a way that looks like it's doing an adult thing which is hella cute.

I'm so sorry! I had the image of a sharp, jagged Golden Wonder for some strange reason 😳Apologies!