About the random man who commented on my baby in the supermarket?

[Pbbananabagel]

so I honestly don’t know if I was a bit too touchy about this and should’ve just smiled and moved on-

Random man leaned into my face and said “he looks like he’s smoking a cigarette, look how he’s holding that crisp”

it completely rubbed me up the wrong way and I said “thanks for that random man in the supermarket, that’s exactly the kind of comment a mum on her own in the supermarket needs to hear.”

he responded “don’t be stupid it was only a joke’

to which I said “you don’t know what might be on someone’s mind when you make comments like that” and he tutted and said
”really it’s a joke, so ridiculous” and walked off.

I felt so uncomfortable, people were staring and I thought maybe that was a step too far and I should’ve just let it go.

I lost two parents to cancer and one of the anniversaries is in two days. Today is the anniversary of me getting the call out of the blue at work that said “it’s cancer and he’s dying so get down here (300 miles away)” when my dad had just felt unwell on holiday and gone to the walk-in. So maybe I’m too touchy.

So, thank AIBU or was this random man really in need of my response?

@SorryButThatsAFact

I am guessing this is what he tells you, and you have never actually witnessed it?

My friend's husband is a man who always seemed to have (when he was alone,) women wanting to be his friend, asking him out, chatting randomly with him in supermarkets, chatting at the school gate on the occasions he picked up their DC, and striking up conversation and flirting with him, when he was out for a walk on his own. My friend used to (very gullibly) think 'wow my husband is really popular with women,' and he would say 'I can't help it, I just get on better with women.' She never understood why SHE was never as popular with other men.

He had several female colleagues just randomly buying him gifts after kindly listening to them chatting for ages about their life problems, and he'd come home and tell her all this of course. Mr 'shoulder-to-cry-on' he was.

Then my friend decided to randomly message 'Julia' at work as she was a bit concerned Julia had bought her DH a fairly expensive watch (as a thank you for all the advice and help when she split from her partner of 7 years.) A box of Quality Street was one thing, but a £95 watch was another. She said she was concerned that this young single mum of 2 children was spending this money on a colleague and was actually a bit that this woman was buying expensive stuff for a married man. She tracked her down on facebook and messaged her with her concerns.

You guessed it. The young woman was stunned and said she never bought him a watch, and long story short, it transpires she never spoke to him about her relationship break down either. In fact they rarely spoke. He was 23 years older than her and the same age as her dad! She was fuming and had a right go at him at work. He just said he said it 'for a laugh.' Idiot. (He bought the watch himself!)

Didn't take long for my friend to figure out that the years of stories and tales of women coming onto him, and hitting on him, and wanting to be his friend, and him chatting for hours to them at work and them sometimes 'wanting a bit more,' was all a load of absolute shit. It occurred to her at that very moment, that she had never actually witnessed ANYthing he had claimed had happened with these other women. That's coz nothing ever did. He just said it to make her jealous/keep her on her toes/try and be a big MAN. Just ended up looking like a total loser.

SO I would think twice before believing your husband when he says other women chat to him/come on to him/try striking up conversations/flirt with him... Coz it's probably bullshit. Women just don't do this. Very few of them anyway!

I am guessing this is what he tells you, and you have never actually witnessed it?

Exactly my first thought 😂

I think people have communicated and made small talk with people when out and about in their community for thousands of years. Pretty sad it’s now becoming unacceptable.

Well said. Honestly, some young people today seem to be living in another world - one which revolves around them and their ridiculous notions.

Some women must really struggle with the burden of their victim complex every time they venture out in public.

Another very good comment.

This is what so many people have conveniently missed, that he was leaning in to your face when he said it.

I can’t believe people are telling you should have smiled at him 🙄

OP, you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to cringe about. HE should be cringing, talking to you as if you were together.

I wouldn't have had the energy to react like that but YANBU. As far as I'm concerned if someone makes passing comments to people in supermarkets they open themselves up to being on the wrong end of whatever that I expecting stranger has on their plate. You didn't invite him to engage with you so you didn't owe him anything

Honestly, some old people today seem to be living in another world - one which revolves around them and their ridiculous notions.

See how ageist that sounds? Don’t do that, it’s shitty.

Hysterical? I don't think that's a fair summary of thr OPs description of what happened.

Men should think twice before insert themselves into women's lives with stupid comments. They certainly shouldn't expect sweet smiles and polite laughter back in response to bad jokes. They have no idea what effect that stupid comment might have on a stranger (case in point here with the OPs parents and smoking being triggering for her).

If you read the post OP explains precisely why she got upset by it. Hope that helps

YABVU.

It was a bit of an odd observation, but there is nothing inherently nasty or challenging about it. Some people are a bit odd and have an odd sense of humour. Chatting is part of what holds social life together, the ability to have casual community interactions is important to social function and it's not a good sign for our culture that it's become so fraught.

You were way way OTT.

Is no one supposed to say anything to anyone ever again in case they inadvertently trigger them!

The "random man" comment was funny the first time a MNer used it on a random man. This was just bizarre

And an anniversary of parents death, while sad, is no excuse. We've all lost people, we still have to be able to function in basic social interactions.

Nope, I've been there when it's happened.

I even sarcastically asked one woman if she could actually see me as thought I might be invisible!

See how ageist that sounds? Don’t do that, it’s shitty.

Oh do get over yourself. Older people - generally - don't take offence nearly as much as the young seem to do.

Witnessed it more than once, much to my frustration

Chatting is part of what holds social life together, the ability to have casual community interactions is important to social function and it's not a good sign for our culture that it's become so fraught.

Exactly. However, sadly, we seem to have reached a stage where people aren't interested in social function or holding social life together.

The joke was totally stupid and unnecessary, but I would have just ignored it. Sorry for your losses.

If you can't see the difference between chatting with someone who's happy to chat and an unwanted comment then I can imagine you'd think OP was unreasonable.

If the man had made a passive, non-direct remark which OP had respond to giving a signal she wanted to chat and in conversation the man had made the same comment I imagine Op might have reacted differently. But that wasn't the scenario here AT ALL. I'm surprised at how many people can't tell the difference

Read a few pages. I am actually sorry at the state of how things are going. All these people getting upset about people randomly talking to them on the street.

What is the world coming to? I have had random men as well as women joke in the past with me, sometimes the jokes aren't even funny, but I just smile and walk away. Isn't that the thing to do?
I mean how many times have you told a joke and its fallen flat. Sometimes jokes are funny, sometimes they are not.
I personally could not get het up about someone making an observation about something, whether I agreed with it or not.
But to be passive aggressive back, with the " hey random man", it does not make someone look good. It seems mumsnet is selling this as making someone feel superior or cool but it actually is not. Just makes someone look like an idiot tbh. I would give that someone a wide berth next time.

I'm not a mother of young children any more and one of the things I look at MN for is to keep a finger on the pulse of modern parenting...partly so I don't put my foot in it with younger colleagues and friends.

But OP, what I'm taking away from your post (and others previously) is that 'Woe betide anyone who dares to speak to a parent, even if it's with friendly intention.'

I get that you thought the man's remark was lame - but it doesn't sound offensive to me. OK, I wasn't there, and his tone might have been unpleasant for all I know. But the remark in itself - I can't see what's offensive about it. How can mentioning smoking harm your child? I'd be more concerned if he dropped ash and blew smoke at them.

Was it because he was a man? I'm just struggling to understand the problem here. It wasn't a sexually offensive comment - just a (in your view) poor joke.

Though I rarely do it myself I think it would be awful if it became socially unacceptable for a stranger to speak to a parent and child in a friendly way - I see it all the time and it's great, especially when it's an old person - it might be the highlight of their day. Once sat in a coffee shop on holiday and an elderly couple came over to say (of my toddler son) '"He's going to be a heart-breaker, isn't he!" I laughed and had a chat with them, and didn't take offence.

But maybe I should have?? Implying that my innocent child was going to be emotionally abusive??

thanks for that random man in the supermarket, that’s exactly the kind of comment a mum on her own in the supermarket needs to hear.”

And then everyone clapped and cheered and you got your shopping for free from a crying manager?

That's funny, as you seem to have taken offence to my post.

There's a shit-load of hypocrisy on this thread.

That's funny, as you seem to have taken offence to my post.

Ha, ha - I rarely take offence, and I certainly haven't taken offence to your post. Just pointing out that older people have been around a while and can brush aside things which younger people (on MN anyway) find so offensive. Most of us don't take ourselves so seriously - thank goodness!

What a lovely, fake laugh to show how unbothered you are.

You seem to take yourself seriously enough to declare young people think the world revolves around them and their ridiculous notions. Reading threads on MN, your generation seems to have been complicit in the sexism against women. I’m glad young women are standing up to male superiority, instead of staying quiet, as you seem to want them to do. And as for the other poster, who said OP should have smiled at him - 🙄