In general AIBU to think children do better long term with separated parents than living all together in an unhappy marriage?

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

DH and I disagree on this. He thinks it's always better to stay together as a family unit.

AIBU to say that actually, after the initial shock and upset (which can be mitigated to some extent), it is better for the marriage to end and for the parents to move on with separate lives, making sure the children are loved and cared for in separate homes? Keeping communication going etc.

DH doesn't want to split. I do. This is absolute hell so please be nice to me if possible

I’m of the opinion that myself and my ex brought our children into this world, they didn’t ask to be born, it was our choice. Why should we not do everything in our power to put them first and always think of what’s best for them above all
else? We had our chance and we blew it but we’re damn sure ensuring that their needs are paramount so we continue to live together, we put our differences aside, we coparent together and have actually managed to find friendship and respect for each other.

I’ve been single now for 4.5 years since we separated and it’s bloody marvellous. I’ve learned so much about myself and how to prioritise myself and amazingly enough the world hasn’t ended because I’m not in a romantic relationship with anyone. I’m not being a martyr as someone upthread mentioned, I’m actually happy just being me.

@FMSucks that’s admirable and a credit to you and your ex…

But you realise not everyone has the luxury of continuing to live under the same roof as their former spouse/partner. For various reasons this isn’t always possible, practical or desirable. Your situation is fairly uncommon and wouldn’t work for a lot of separating couples.

There are people who do have to separate physically from their ex partner can also bring their children up in a way that doesn’t damage them.

We split last year, i instigated it because I was not happy and hadn’t been for a while. Lots of reasons, no third parties involved. And while it’s undoubtedly better for kids to grow up with both parents IF that relationship is happy, two unhappy parents is shitty for the kids. Granted, my ex isn’t happy about the split but I was worn down to nothing beforehand. And now I’m happy and ex is getting there.

And the kids took it really well. They knew we weren’t happy and I actually regret not making the decision sooner.

My niece hates her dad (to the extent she told my DD she hoped he died from Covid). She suffers from anxiety and often refuses to leave the house.
Her parents marriage is on the rocks and has been for years. Her father is absolutely useless husband and dad but my sister won't leave.
My niece regularly asks her too. So yes I think generally children are happier when their parents are apart if they're miserable.
Although things might be different if they have a decent dad.

Do your children know you're not together @FMSucks ?

Do you tell them why you don't kiss and cuddle? Why you are in separate rooms? Why you don't use terms of endearment, or go out together? Why you don't do all the normal things that a happily or mediumly happy couple do?

Or do they just digest that as a normal relationship? But it isn't normal. And how can they learn from you what a good relationship is, when you don't have a good relationship?

How long are you doing that for? And when they are 18, or 20 or whatever and you then separate, how are you going to deal with that? Many people say they found it really tough their parents splitting up in their late teens or 20s. In my experience (I had children of all ages when I split with their father), the younger the better in terms of trauma caused.

And it's not necessary to move another man in after divorce - I haven't done it despite both the men I've dated since wanting to do it. And I won't

It really depends how unhappy.

I don’t think there is a black and white answer.

In general, yes I think it is better to split if there is any abuse/addictions at all or if both parents are so miserable it seeps into daily life.

But staying together may be better if it’s just a rough patch that can be worked through, and both parents are still respectful/caring towards each other.

Splitting may not be the best thing if the dc end up feeling like they have no ‘real’ home of their own after step parents have moved in or pushed out when more half siblings are born (extremely common in friend with split parents when growing up). It wouldn’t be best if there ended up being more than one ‘step parent’ relationship breaking down and another moving in, and some dc really struggle with split holidays and torn loyalties.

Agreed.

Personally, I believe in the family unit but appreciate splitting up would be best in violent or very hostile relationship environments.

Otherwise, a secure home is best for the children.

To be honest I was like this.

And my DM listened to me. I wish she hadn’t.

I hated stepdad moving in, nice as he is he isn’t my family, and it really broke down my relationship with DM because I felt responsible for breaking up the family.

@Thepeopleversuswork yes 100% agree that not everyone can do that and believe me it hasn’t been easy at times.

@itsnotdeep yes my children are fully aware we are not together, thus we don’t cuddle or use terms of endearment. We have our own separate rooms and respect each other’s space.

However we do go out together as a family, we watch movies together, we spend celebrations together, we have family over, we go on holidays together.

Define normal? Relationships come in all different forms nowadays, they see two parents who respect each other, can be in the same space as each other and can juggle life together. We are kind to each other, we still have our moments of course so even if they aren’t seeing a romantic relationship they are seeing the fundamentals for any healthy relationship.

Where we will be in years to come, I don’t know, but does anyone? There are no guarantees in life.

Thanks for this, it’s what we’re going for.

Per my therapist, ‘all the evidence suggests it’s about the quality of the ongoing relationship’. We decided we would have a better relationship as friends and coparents than as a married couple. DC were small. It’s working out well so far and my relationship with said children is much, much better now it’s not happening within an unhappy marriage.

My parents divorced when I was four. I think it was very difficult for them. Honestly we had such a great childhood and my mum flourished into Independent and strong, my dad traveled the world with work and remarried. My brother and I are entirely unscathed because of it. We're both with young kids now and very long term partners. Your kids will be better off seeing you both do well independently than surviving in an unhappy childhood home. It's simply how you handle it. As someone mentioned, parents are human too and also deserve a beautiful life with much happiness. Good luck x

your ex is obviously wrong to say that it's "always" for parents to stay together, that's complete BS, but it's certainly true that kids have a much higher threshold for wanting to see a split that many/most parents do. kids will be perfectly happy for their parents to stay together but be rather cold towards each other or whatever in a way that many parents might not. but of course they don't want to grow up around contstant rows or abuse etc.

I used to believe in death till us part, I don't anymore. I suspect few people can achieve what @FMSucks has but in general if everyone can play nice and puts the children first it's best to be apart than in an unhappy relationship. Conflict, tension, acrimony, selfishness, ego etc between parents is what causes harm to children, not the divorce.

While leaving an abusive relationship does not end the abuse (in my experience it only increases and the children become targets too) I still feel it's better than staying. At least the children have a safe home some of the time.

I think @Anothernamechangeplease is talking a lot of sense, and yes I have done it - ended my relationship with their dad around 13 years ago now.

1. throw absolutely everything into having a good relationship with your ex. If that means sucking up a certain amount of sulking, underpayment of maintenance, slightly bad behaviour (abuse always excepted), do it. You want out, he doesn't, so you're going to have to cut him some slack. (This is if you want a good long term relationship with him. Justice doesn't come into it.)

2. minimise the physical disruption for your kids. If you can 'nest' as described above, do. Would you like have have to pack a bag and go to sleep in a strange spare bedroom every weekend? If not, why ask your kids to do it while they're getting used to something extremely painful? Book yourself into a Travelodge and let them stay at home with your ex.

3. any new partners remain invisible to the children until many years have passed. Don't care what 'good' reasons there are for introducing the new squeeze. Don't do it. Swing from the lampshades in the Travelodge but leave the kids out of it.

4. Birthday and Christmases are for the kids, not for you to work out psychodramas with your ex. Play nice and include him.

5. Never, ever slag him off in their hearing and tell any family/friends that this is the rule.

6. Proactively ensure he's added to contact lists for anything to do with school. Never manipulate schools' default 'mum' settings to cut him out of parents evenings or carol services or certificate presentations or whatever.

In my experience if you go at it with a genuine goodwill, prioritise your kids and believe that your ex will be a good dad despite separation, you stand a good chance of getting there. (Some exes are just arseholes and this won't apply to them but at least you'll have tried.)

The first six months are awful, and then with a bit of luck and gumption things start to improve.

I think it totally depends on the individual situation and there’s no one size fits all answer to this.
If your partner cheated or is abusive and you want to split, I would split.
I think it sends a bad message to children to think that’s something they should accept.

I realised we were doomed when I was pregnant with twins and hoped I might be wrong. In the early years I didn’t know how I would get through each day but the reality of being a SAHM with SEN twins meant I had no choice.

Time went by and we all muddled along and I think the girls have had a very happy upbringing. I decided to stay for their sake and genuinely planned on splitting once they reached 18.

That milestone has been and gone and I am as trapped as ever for various reasons. DH and I are like flatmates who are bored with each other, no overt animosity but no warmth. We could both be so much happier with other people or single than we are now. But it’s still easier and better for everyone if we stay together.

Now I am panicking wondering if it’s never going to happen. I know I’ve wasted 18 years of my own life and personal happiness to give DDs the best of everything and I think that was the right decision but I’m sad at what I’ve missed out on.

I stayed in a very toxic marriage as I thought leaving would make me a failure as a wife and mother. I was so unhappy. We hated each other but I felt I had to stay as my exh threatened suicide if I left and emotionally blackmailed me to feel I was hurting the children by breaking up the family. I’ve been gone 5 years, remarried to a wonderful man, have a crazy blended family and my exh has moved away and doesn’t bother with his children. Always do what is best and best is not always staying xx

I’m sorry you missed out on love so to speak but just wanted to say your altruism is humbling. I don’t know that many people you genuinely put their children before their own happiness but you did x

My parents stayed unhappily married until I was 22, it was shite. I remember being a teenager and wishing they’d split up.

I have recently experienced two splits with cousins who are very close to me. The one did the conscious uncoupling thing, like Gwyneth and Chris Martin. I have so much respect for them. No mud slinging. Made an announcement to the wider family. Everyone just accepted it and moved on. Kids are happy. I'm not saying they were never sad, but the accepted their new normal like champs.

Other cousin. Oh dear god. I've never seen anything messier... A real telenovela. This cousin made everyone's life a living hell for the duration and is still not speaking to me as I tried to reason with her and tell her some truths about the damage she did and still does. Proper toxic.

Keep the kids out of it. Keep it clean. They can hear gory details later as adults if there is any to tell. Be kind to yourself. It's your life too and you deserve happiness. All the best. 💐

I agree with you. My ex and I get on sooooooo much better since we split and we are even going on holiday together this week with the kids (as friends). So much better than the kids hearing us argue all the time, they hated it and it wasn't a healthy environment for anyone.

I completely agree! I stayed in an awful marriage for far to many years because I thought i was doing the right thing by the kids. It caused them immeasurable damage and I bitterly regret the years i wasted.