In general AIBU to think children do better long term with separated parents than living all together in an unhappy marriage?

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

DH and I disagree on this. He thinks it's always better to stay together as a family unit.

AIBU to say that actually, after the initial shock and upset (which can be mitigated to some extent), it is better for the marriage to end and for the parents to move on with separate lives, making sure the children are loved and cared for in separate homes? Keeping communication going etc.

DH doesn't want to split. I do. This is absolute hell so please be nice to me if possible

Why on earth should a parent choose to remain single until their child reaches adulthood?
who does this serve? There are many many happy blended families out there and children who have benefitted from the additional love and support of a step parent?
No one should have to deprive themselves of love out of some false sense of obligation.

My kids would have preferred we split up rather than remain a dysfunctional unit throughout their childhood. They are damaged as a result of us staying together.

Those are few and far between. Let's not kid ourselves. Most stepfamilies have more problems than benefits.

Children are definitely better with happy, separated, parents rather than them being together and unhappy. That's fooling noone and showing messed up relationship goals.

I don't know.

My parents should have split while I was still a child. My dad was abusive to both my mum and I. But they stayed together because of me & for financial reasons. I have really struggled with this and it has impacted me into adulthood. My mum suffered but told herself it was better for me that she stayed. She seems to think I should be grateful and I'm not. I don't know how it has impacted my relationships. Not for the best I don't think.

It was partly my own experience that led to me throwing ex out when kids were 5 and 2. I can see unhappy marriages amongst my friends and have a hunch that they will separate when their children are teenagers, which imo is worse than when they are younger.

I desperately didn't want my kids, who are boys, growing up thinking that the way I was treated is an acceptable way to treat women. The way my ex chooses to parent is also questionable. I know they would struggle with being shuttled about more than they do. 50/50 wouldn't work for them, especially not my eldest.

Although I know it was the right thing to do, I worry constantly about the impact on the kids and feel guilty on a daily basis for splitting up my family. Being a single parent is extremely stressful and wearing. I hope it will all be worth it. I will not be blending my family or moving another partner in until my children have left home.

They're martyrs. My mum and ex MIL are like that, both now old with health problems and had miserable lives staying in their marriages. None of the kids are grateful for this, we/they would rather our parents had lived happy fulfilled lives while still being good and loving parents.

Sorry made the wrong point there! Though both mums have said they'd have stayed single if they'd got divorced.
But yeah they're martyrs.. sacrificing themselves and no-ones thanking them for it.

It’s just not that simple - look at the posts of me and others who describe being pretty miserable after our parents split.

It will of course be true that some children are better off, but it’s not true of all.

In my case my parents just weren’t compatible and my mum was unhappy. Then splitting didn’t shield me from witnessing an abusive marriage - their marriage wasn’t. If a relationship is abusive I would encourage someone to leave for their own sake and their children’s.

In my case I wish my parents had separated earlier. They resented each other. Had arguments when they thought we were asleep etc. There was so much secrecy and lies. All of us have suffered with depression/ MH issues at some point or on going. I don't think the stressed nature of our childhood helped at all!

When my parents did separate it was a relief. I was a teenager and didn't have any particular arrangement, but I stayed with mum and saw dad regularly. It helped our family home was quite rural, but dad's new place was in the town so it was often convenient to stay with him. Both parents now are very happy with completely different, almost contradictory lives.

So you think your mum should have stayed unhappy...?

That was to @MartinCraneAstronaut

My SS primarily lives with mum due to schooling and, whilst I agree with you in this regard that a primary home during the week is more settled, I don’t agree that both parents should remain single.

SS11 mum is remarried and he has two further step siblings in his primary home (5 and 7). He comes to us every other weekend, weeks in school hols, etc. we’ve been together 9.5 years and married for the past year, no children other than him. He’s really happy in both households and appreciates both households for what they are and the differing lifestyles they have.

He is also shown a great example of healthy relationships, different ways/choices of how we live and loving parenting in both homes. He is kept away from any unnecessary disagreements (few) between all parties and everyone works for his well-being, which I think is paramount.

it can work and I think it’s healthier for children to see healthy relationships and learn that life may not always work out as hoped and planned and that sometimes life may take a different path.

Part of parenting is being an example as to what you can do when things go wrong and create understanding that things won’t always go ‘right’. Too often these days I see cosseted individuals who have never learnt coping, resilience and adaptability and I truly believe that is part of why we have mental health issues at the level we do these days in young people!

so long as the parties can work together I do believe splitting can be the healthiest option.

I don’t know. We argue so much and dd copies the way he talks to me sometimes
but is it bad enough. Can we keep working on it.

I said in my previous post - they split when I was 13. I have great sympathy for my mum that she was in an unhappy marriage (and have more and more sympathy as I get older) but kind of yes, I would have preferred that my mum stayed unhappy for a few more years, until I left home, than made my life a very unhappy one for my teenage years.

It may be selfish, but I do think that stability is extremely important during your childhood/teenage years and that should be kept if possible.

I don’t at all think she should have stayed in an unhappy marriage for the rest of her life, and certainly don’t think she shouldn’t have other relationships.

OP is specifically asked if children do better with separated parents. I didn’t, and I just wanted to put forward my point of view that making yourself happier can sometimes make your child unhappier. It’s shit, but true, and I wanted to counter the “it will all be absolutely fine” posts.

This is a tricky one and I can see both sides of this.

In principle you're right: no one should be obligated to deny themselves the opportunity for a happy relationship until their child reaches adulthood.

But, and its a big but, there are so many situations where people move way too fast into new relationships, often involving additional children, and the existing children are forced to shoehorn themselves into whatever situation the parents want, while the parents delude themselves that the children will adapt.

Blended families are not always the disaster they are painted as on here, but they need to be handled extremely slowly and carefully and the needs of the (existing) children should be absolutely paramount. So many people tell themselves children need a "new father" and force the children to accept someone who they haven't chosen and sometimes don't much like and the kids have to put up with it. Or, worse, have to give up a large amount of their life, space and material goods to share with other children who they barely know. It's a high road to resentment and people should do this at their peril.

On the flip side, though, I do think that for children to learn that relationships don't always work out forever doesn't have to a universally bad thing. Not all marriages last forever and for a child to observe a couple (whether the parents or a parent and a stepparent) separating in a kind and civil way with a positive new beginning, doesn't have to be a damaging experience. Learning that there are ways to separate which don't involve hurt and recrimination is probably a useful life lesson if handled carefully (and assuming, critically, that the children aren't left with their financial wellbeing impacted).

We still espouse a model where the nuclear family is considered optimal when in fact around half of us don't live this life. Clearly a string of unsuitable "stepfathers" and undesired siblings is something to avoid at all costs. But for children to learn to manage separation and change without acrimony and to learn that people can survive the end of relationships and grow stronger for it is not necessarily a bad life lesson.

No right answer here either..... What happens for high days and holidays? If it was me, I'd stay as kids come first. Unless home life was unbearable. If he leaves you to get on with your life and there's no violence, arguing or bad behaviour I'd stick it out.

So both being able to date on the side etc? This is more understandable as not totally sacrificing their own happiness.

There are way to many variables to give a definitive answer to this. A factor would be your personalities, can you live together under the same roof whilst having no romantic love for each other but be civil and loving attentive parents or will you be arguing constantly, causing lots of tension and a very unhappy environment for your children to live in? If you can manage to keep the household happy without having the intimate relationship with your partner then in most cases that is probably better for your kids, although it might not be best for you. If you separate will you be able to be amicable? Would you be able to successfully parent your children if you/your husband got new partners? How would your children feel with you being with someone new? How would they feel being potentially moved between 2 homes? How would your children suffer financially, emotionally etc? If it’s just your husband is a nice guy but he’s just not right for you anymore then I’d stay for the children, if however there’s something more (emotionally or physically abusive etc) then of course it’s better you separate. Most parents know that parenthood comes with great sacrifices and being with the love of your life might be one of them.

@MartinCraneAstronaut Thanks for your perspective, it really is a balance isn't it.

It really is - such a hard position, and I really feel for the OP having to consider this. It is definitely to her credit that she is thinking of what is best for her children.

God, life would be easier if questions like this had a black and white, yes and no answer! There is no way of knowing what is best - like you say, it’s all a balance.

I don’t know I’ve actually had children of divorced parents say they are so grateful that a time when they were already traumatised they didn’t feel they had to share the one parent who was there for them with someone else.

This

I'm sure this is true....

But again this comes down to sensitive handling of the separation and not bringing new people into the mix too soon. It's not a given that separation always has to be driven by someone meeting a new partner and it isn't automatically the case that people will rush to bring new partners into the mix.

The atmosphere when there's tension, anger and sometimes hatred between any two people can be awful for bystanders to witness, never mind when they are both your parents. Lack of care and loving is also not pleasant to watch.

Seeing a much loved parent being treated poorly is horrible for DC; once separated, parents who can co-parent without being in a romantic relationship together should end up with DC who are much more secure and settled than those being brought up within environment 1.

YANBU

My parents stayed together 'for the children'. 50+ miserable years for everyone. My dad was violent/controlling, and not one of us would've complained of my mum had left him and taken us with her.

Two separate parents makes for happier children than two fighting, stress ridden together parents. Your DH is wrong.