In general AIBU to think children do better long term with separated parents than living all together in an unhappy marriage?

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

DH and I disagree on this. He thinks it's always better to stay together as a family unit.

AIBU to say that actually, after the initial shock and upset (which can be mitigated to some extent), it is better for the marriage to end and for the parents to move on with separate lives, making sure the children are loved and cared for in separate homes? Keeping communication going etc.

DH doesn't want to split. I do. This is absolute hell so please be nice to me if possible

See I agree with this

But 3 kids in my DH is suddenly struggling - I didn't see it coming. And 10 years ago when we got married everything looked good in terms of being someone to marry, raise children with and grow old with. I'm not really sure where it has gone wrong

@PinkTonic the decision to have children wasn't taken lightly. We were together 7 years before we had our first child and have been together unhappily for the last 5 years so the decision to split hasn't exactly been rushed on my part either.

Lots of regrets about what I should have done in the past to save the marriage but the reality is that it is dead now. I'm not the type to flit between relationships, believe me. I've been with my husband for 19 years.

Yes, I get what you're saying, but a lot of people wouldn't get into serious relationships even if they did split, because they wouldn't want to subject their children to a blended family. So they're kind of scuppered either way!

I think separated parents can be brilliant, if the child has one main home and isn't forced to shuttle between two, if the parents are civil and able to co-parent effectively, if they can make things work financially, and if the main resident parent chooses to remain single until their kids are adults.

Absolutely @isthistheendtakeabreath people change over time. My husband is a great dad but not a suitable partner for me anymore

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers

You sound exactly like me x

I don't think you can make a blanket statement either way tbh it depends so much on what the issues are.

My parents split, and having lived through that I'd do everything I possibly could to work through issues and keep the marriage going. There has to be a point though where that's just not tenable anymore. I wouldn't try and stay with an addict (gambling, drugs, alcohol), with someone who was violent or with someone who repeatedly betrayed my trust. In those situations though, I'm not sure I'd want them as a co-parent post separation either and the children would likely have issues far bigger than parents separating to deal with.

It is naive to think that you can separate without having any impact on the children. It just becomes a case of finding the least bad solution for everyone.

I'm sorry you're having to contemplate this and hope you find a way through it.

I agree with you OP, but I would as I did split from my H and the father of my children.

My biggest regret was staying as long as I did tbh. Both for me and the kids who were aware that we weren't happy. (I think kids are often aware of much more than you think). I have no regrets now at all. Life is way too short to stay in an unhappy relationship.

And to a pp, it hasn't been logistically awful for the children. The biggest issue is that you have less money apart than you do together. But still worth it in my experience.

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers

I will need to likely make the same decision in the next 48 hours really about whether to try and work through things or not. I honestly am so conflicted. I think DH would be shocked if i said it was over I think he expects me to beg him to come back/stay/work on things. But I'm not sure I have the energy anymore

I think there will be too many variables to consider. You need to consider the financial implications too.

Exactly.. lots of martyrs on here. Unless these people mean staying in the same house being civil with each other but being able to date and see others. To feel love, have sex, feel attraction. But even that has problems.
But restricting yourself to a loveless life "for the kids" is very sad.
I wished my parents had found love and lived life to the full.

Splitting up is a childhood adverse experience. Living in seperated houses does have a detrimental impact. However, living in an abusive or unhappy household is also an ACE and detrimental. Only you will know where the balance is on which is worse or better for your dc.

@Anothernamechangeplease So restrictive! So the main resident parent has to stay single while the other can do what they want!?
And 50/50 works great for many of us. Whatever scenario, it's about how the two parents handle it.

Exactly this. Do everything you can to minimise the impact on the children.

I don’t think there is a « right » answer.

After divorce people naturally go about rebuilding their lives. Dating for the adults, blended families, step parents and siblings and so on. That can be brutal for children and teenagers. They become only one element of a puzzle after a huge, grief filled change.

One could argue that these hurdles make resilience but I am not so sure.

However, on the flip side of that should one be unhappy?

The trouble is you don’t know what the alternative is and you would’ve spent your 20s doing that anyway no matter what modelling you think your parents may or may not have provided you with.

That’s pretty much what happens by default @CookPassBabtridge and the main resident parent gets zero thanks for it and indeed usually gets mocked for their decision.

Lots of variations here! Parents who arent that happy but get along, warring separated parents? Maintenance not being paid? One parent moves away? It depends so happy separated parents both nearby, no money issues and no jealousy over time spent with each parent, able to join up for special occasions like birthdays ... happy kids

This is really interesting, thank you for your honesty.

Neither of us are the bad guy in this. We've both neglected our relationship for many years and now have separate bedrooms, eat separately, rarely communicate, no shared interests affection or sex.

Not a good role model for the children. I feel if I stay I will end up being very resentful, angry and frustrated. Big arguments will happen surely. Don't want my children to witness those.

We parent them very separately currently so I can envisage that working well in our own separate living spaces ultimately. Although reaching that point will be hard.

I think once you have children you have to mostly put them first ( there are occasions when you can't like you have to move for work and they don't want to, or they have to adapt to a different financial situation due to loss of health work etc, or sometimes briefly because someone else important is very ill or dying)
this includes sometimes putting your wants aside and I would include a new relationship in this especially if you have teenagers. not forever but until they are adults
Splitting up has an adverse effect on children and so does a toxic relationship there is no it's definitely a 100% better to split answer, I think unless abusive or cheating when you are with children you should at least try counselling first to see if you can make it work, it may be that counselling will help a more amicable split even f it doesn't help the relationship stay together and certainly a split should be carefully thought thought out an appropiate time to split agreed and a plan to co-parent.
I do not think parents should sacrifice their needs for a child's wants but you may need to sacrifice your wants for their wants

My kids resent me for not leaving my ex sooner.

Totally agree with all of this!

I agree if there's constant animosity but I also think on here people really tend to underestimate what a traumatic event separation is and how it actually does affect kids

We split once youngest turned 28, we certainly didn't have a bad life but it was doomed for many years. I felt together was better and was always optimistic things would work out, they didn't.

Would I wait again? Not sure. My kids were grown so i could pursue my own life but of course it did mean I was too old for more children, I do daydream what dp would have been like to have a baby with but our fairly carefree relationship would be very different at that life stage!

when The kids were young I thought staying together was best and I was able to keep the peace to a large extent. Now they older and noticing the tension I’m starting to doubt my decision 🙁

So true!
Or more to the point a woman isn't happy in the marriage 'hun you deserve to be happy- leave'
But when a man leaves 'omg selfish pig leaving you and the kids ruining their present and future'