In general AIBU to think children do better long term with separated parents than living all together in an unhappy marriage?

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

DH and I disagree on this. He thinks it's always better to stay together as a family unit.

AIBU to say that actually, after the initial shock and upset (which can be mitigated to some extent), it is better for the marriage to end and for the parents to move on with separate lives, making sure the children are loved and cared for in separate homes? Keeping communication going etc.

DH doesn't want to split. I do. This is absolute hell so please be nice to me if possible

I don’t think anyone would object, but there are so many reasons why some parents don’t split up when it would seem, objectively, that it would be eminently sensible.

I agree with you. Staying in an unhappy marriage is a) a horrible environment for the family to live in b) is a shitty role model for how a marriage / relationship should look like.

You are 100% right on this one. You can make sure children feel loved and supported and coparent effectively as 2 separate households. Children pick up on tension and difficulties between parents and you would be teaching them that they should.settle.for less themselves.
It only becomes in an issue when 1 or both parents turn nasty and dont work together for the sake of the children

There's too many variables to make such a black and white decision.

I would agree that it's best to split but I guess I would as we did. 4 years ago now. It's amazing how quickly kids adapt. Much better most adults tbh 😄.

I guess for me it's looking at the example that's being set whilst still being together. Are they seeing a healthy affectionate set up? I didn't want my daughter thinking it was 'normal'.

Such a difficult decision though xx

100% agree with you having had this exact conversation with my (now) ex nearly 13 years ago.

As a child who lived through 'let's stay together for the kids' it was awful. I didn't want to put my kids through that and left my exh. It was also awful and continues to he difficult at times. But my relationship with the kids has got much stronger over time after the initial upset. If you stay just because that's what he wants you'll end up miserable. Don't you have a right to be happy too?

I completely agree with you. My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage for far too long for ‘the sake of the children’. The time they were together and clearly hating each other was far, far worse than splitting up.

I think it depends tbh.

Lots of tension and arguments at home with kids getting caught in the middle? Yep, probably better to separate.

Parents who have fallen out of love with each other but manage to live together civilly and co-parent effectively? Probably better for the kids than most scenarios where the parents split.

I do think 50/50 scenarios where the kids are constantly shuttling between two homes are pretty miserable for most children. And if either parent remarries, you end up with all the challenges of blended families etc.

If you're going to split and want to prioritise the kids, I would either look at nesting scenarios where the parents come and go while the kids stay put, or I would make the kids have one main home with one of the parents so that they don't have to keep coming and going. And I would commit to not living with another partner until the youngest was old enough to leave home.

If you absolutely know the relationship is dead then you should split. As long as you aren't arseholes to each other over it the children should be ok.

It's better for kids if you separate as long as you can co-parent well.

I don't believe a miserable parent can be good for anyone.

Being a parent isn't just about taking care of a child, it's about setting examples so you can bring up an independent adult ultimately.

That includes making tough decisions that can help build their resilience.

I'm actually going through this at the moment and it's all really new and raw. Divorce hasn't been mentioned yet but I'm preparing myself that it will be. I'd say DH is unhappier then I am. His unhappiness is making me unhappy. I think he struggles being a parent though to small children and so I don't think we can both struggle on much longer as they aren't going anywhere. I don't want to drag this on another 10/15/20 years - I don't want my children to think this is what a happy marriage looks like

It depends. If both parents aren't arguing and are civil and respectful to each other then it's better to stay together. Logistically it's awful for a kid having two homes , homework or their PE kit is at the other house etc.

But in a toxic environment definitely better to be apart

Of course you’re right. I was and have continued to be grateful to my parents for divorcing. My mum’s parents pretended they stayed together for her, what they actually did was make her feel like shit all her life and gave her a very fucked up idea of what marriage was.

It’s sometimes talked about as brave, virtuous, self sacrificing for one or both parties to stay together “for the kids” but it’s usually selfish, rooted in fear of being alone, losing the nice house or the life style, fear of what others will think.

Our children are watching us. All the time.

The unhappiest people I know, who I grew up with, (all of us now 49+), grew up in homes with miserable parents. Without exception.

These people have no idea what healthy relationships look like, and they have all gone on to have a series of relationship failures. They had no sense of love from their household growing up, they witnessed dysfunction and emotional abuse/turmoil daily, they walked on eggshells their entire childhood, and they have extremely fractured relationships with their parents.

Divorce is hard, but an unhappy, often abusive home, is much worse.

The statistics are in your DH’s favour, but of course there are some situations where it won’t be true. In general do better with all the family together even if not completely happy. Children do not do better in toxic, abusive family situations.

It depends on the problems in the marriage. Having got together and decided to have children I think that adults should put those children first and make every effort to sort their shit out and provide a stable two parent home for them. I don’t understand saddling one’s children with a father who isn’t an acceptable life partner and believe that people should be a lot more careful about who they procreate with. The step parent/children threads on here are sad. Relationships are cheap. It’s all fucked up.

You're right.
A crappy partner can be a great parent plus parents need to set a good example of adult relationships or kids risk staying in crappy relationships when they are older.

As a rule it’s absolutely better to split and for everyone to be happier. Kids don’t need their parents in the same house, they just need to see them both and for everyone to be civil.

if you can, do,

Financially it can be tough, and if it looks like everyone is going to be stoney broke when assets are split, that can be a reason not too, but obviously not if it’s absolute hell being together.

For those saying if the parents have just fallen out of love they should stay together, what about the parents happiness and chances to.find new love? I'd be horrified if I found out my mum had given up her chances of happiness for the sake of not splitting up a loveless marriage for me. Parents are humans too, they deserve the chance of a happy life

MN will tell you that the kids want their unhappy parents to split.

Unless one of the parents has their eye on a third party, in which case the grass isn't greener and your kids will be broken by your selfish actions.

Lol. What a load of rubbish.

It's pretty miserable either way, IMHO. Not helpful, I know.
It does really depend on how bad the marriage actually is. So many people on here consider leaving their partners over things which could probably be solved if they actually communicated properly.
Of course, if there's no hope for the marriage, then yes it's better to separate.

There is no definitive answer to this. Sometimes it will be better for the children of their parents are separated, sometimes it won’t. It depends on the circumstances and the individual children.

You do need to be careful that you aren’t just saying that it’s better for children to appease your own feelings of guilt, because separation and subsequently living across two homes is not good for children, even if it is sometimes better than the alternative.

Agree with this, I grew up with parents who stayed together “for our sake”. I wouldn’t describe myself as miserable at all, but I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like, and finding out by elimination wasn’t a fun or productive way to spend my 20s.