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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at this

158 replies

Keolea · 22/08/2022 09:31

So I have been away for a few days, I work part time 3 days a week and it is the first time I have left the kids with DH. He called me this morning and said we needed a chat later as he cannot understand what I do on my days off and why I find it so hard?

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 22/08/2022 14:40

Just read the OP and seen her DH's life flash before my eyes. There's going to be a murder!

MaryMcCarthy · 22/08/2022 14:41

So the suggestion seems to be that if he'd "wiped things down" and put some stuff in the washing machine then he'd have done an equivalent amount as the OP? Surely that's about 2 minutes worth of work?

All the posters assuming he'd have done nothing... why did you assume?

CantGetDecentNickname · 22/08/2022 14:42

First things first - tell him (don't ask) that he's forgotten to put the washing on and let him do it. All of it. Including drying and putting away. Don't help as you are "too tired" and it can't be that difficult if you normally do it.

Please then ask him why he hasn't done... and then reel off a long list of all the things that you would have done in this time. Don't forget to include all the "mental load" stuff such as meal planning before shopping, prepping food in advance, getting children's kits ready for various activities, remembering to pay for events etc. Tell him you'll be expecting these things done by the end of the day.

I'd recommend leaving them with him more often and give him a list of your expectations for things to be done by the time you get back (I know, that is taking on the mental load, but may be the only way you'll get him to do things). Also, if you can (depending upon their ages) look for a job, probably part-time, so you have to rely on him more and that you have some income of your own and independence.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 22/08/2022 14:44

That would really piss me off

My ex used to wake me up from my very occasional lay ins to ask me where things were 😒

Sistanotcista · 22/08/2022 14:48

Keolea · 22/08/2022 13:47

So I got home, house is tidy but not been wiped down etc. big pile of washing on the top of the stairs and the washer hasn’t been put on once.

And now you know what you do on your days off that he doesn't!

silverbubbles · 22/08/2022 14:50

Great news he is such a super Dad - make sure you never ever let him forget this.
Tell him you are taking a week off for a holiday and he can crack on.

Jamaisy82 · 22/08/2022 14:52

A few days is totally different than doing it everyday, he can't compare. He is being quite rude. If he did it everyday he'd soon understand how hard it can be.

Ariela · 22/08/2022 14:56

And I'll bet your tea wasn't on the table when you got home either.
(not gloating, but DH would, and the kitchen would be spotless, I consider that normal for him though - I'm messy!)

Ohhhhladz · 22/08/2022 14:59

I'd tell him that you're really glad he suggested it, because while you were out today you coincidentally passed his office and popped in for a few minutes. His boss and coworkers seemed really nice and everyone looked really relaxed and happy and stopped to chat, and they loved all the tips you gave them about how he could do his job more effectively. His office can't be very busy or his job very hard; why can't he find more time to contribute to childcare, housework, etc?

Beansí · 22/08/2022 15:01

I don't really understand why people are prepping food when their husbands and boyfriends are looking after children. Do they not have the ability to shop and cook themselves? I always go out and just leave DH to it. Why enable that nonsense? He's well able to make food for them.

PinballWizard18 · 22/08/2022 15:10

I hope you remember to take all the screens with you next time you leav him with the kids
If he wants to act like your boss, ask him for a Payrise

Leftbutcameback · 22/08/2022 15:12

Is there a term for this? Maybe Dadsplaining? My OH does it too although no kids for us. I had to show him how to clean the hob filter yesterday after we've had it for 5 years. He has no idea of all the stuff that needs to be done (he will do soon). I am now deploying silence until he digs himself into a hole. Good luck OP.

badhappening · 22/08/2022 15:14

Sounds like he enjoys putting you down and in doing so, elevates himself.

Ask him to do it for the next six months and then ask him to ask you the same question.

LittleOwl153 · 22/08/2022 15:17

It's funny how these men think they do everything whilstwe sit about doing nothing and telling them how bad it is.

My DH has had a bit of a rude awakening this year as I have a hip injury which means I am (still..) on crutches and can't stand for more than about 5 minutes. Because of this he is having to DO alot more. Yes I can online food shop - but I can't cook much. Yes I can sort washing but I can't bring it downstairs, I can load the machine but I can't hang it out, bring it in, iron it or take it back upstairs and hang it up...

Funnily enough he is now enforcing that the kids do their chores and encouraging them to put their dishes in the dishwasher, their clothes in the wash bin etc...

It's been enlightening!

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/08/2022 15:35

FiveDollarMilkshake · 22/08/2022 09:35

Jeeze who does he think he is? Your line manager? Tell him to jog on.

Yeah and a bad line manager at that.

Who the fuck calls someone to say ‘we need to have a chat’

He seems to be intent on ruining your days away

I would bollock him from a height for this one

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/08/2022 15:37

MummaB22 · 22/08/2022 13:47

Of course it isn't! Tell him YOU need to have a conversation with him!

Show quote history

Exactly.

And why is he criticising your conversation style in the car. He sounds like a controlling nightmare.

HoppingPavlova · 22/08/2022 15:39

He also said the phone call that we had this morning was ‘odd’ because I didn’t say morning to my daughter knowing she was in the car, I just called to make sure they was ok getting to nursery/summer club? I don’t know what I did wrong?

Was this all in the same conversation as what was mentioned in the OP, or did he call you later as a separate call?

I can see where this has gone awry. You called to check up on him thinking he wouldn’t independently be able to get the child off to nursery/summer club. So you thought you would offer remote help (don’t understand what you thought the call would achieve tbh). He got pissed off he was being checked up in and said what he said as a knee jerk action in return. Or, he sat and thought about the call for a while, stewed and then called you for some retaliatory banter.

prettyteapotsplease · 22/08/2022 15:51

Your standards are probably higher than his keolea and it's only fair that you point this out, plus the things he hasn't done, ie the washing, etc.

ElBandito · 22/08/2022 15:52

Give him the washing, vacuum cleaner, toilet brush etc and say you'll chat when he's finished.

ElBandito · 22/08/2022 15:54

And if he tries to say "but doing the washing doesn't take long!"
Reply with "then why didn't you do it"

cexuwaleozbu · 22/08/2022 15:55

Keolea · 22/08/2022 10:20

I do feel the DC are more hard work around me. My DS is very clingy and literally won’t let me leave the room sometimes. He doesn’t seem to be that way with DH.

DC are often "more hard work" when they feel totally secure and comfortable, so they feel able to express anxieties. If they are as good as gold for their dad it means they are a bit unsure about him, and don't trust him quite so fully. Doesn't help you much to know this, but it means that he doesn't get to feel superior in his parenting just because he doesn't have to deal with difficult behaviour as much.

LakieLady · 22/08/2022 15:55

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 09:52

I think in that case I'd be saying 'Great! Glad you found it easy. I won't bother coming home for another fortnight, then.'

This, absolutely.

When you get back after 2 weeks, I bet there'll be no food in the house, it'll be a complete shit pit, no clean clothes, the kids will have turned feral and "D"H will have aged 20 years.

Anything's easy when it's a novelty, it only gets tough when you're in it for the long haul.

GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2022 15:56

Have the chat.

Explain the things which weren't done and which you would have done. Not in a points scoring way but to make sure he is aware.

Explain the behavioural issues with DCs.

Perhaps between you you can come up with a plan.

I have always been WOHP, DH runs the household. Of course he is better at it than me, he does it every day. When DCs were little it also helped that he was stronger and fitter than me so running up the stairs with a grumpy toddler under one arm and the hoover under the other was all in a day's work to him.

What we never engaged in was a 'who does more' debate.

VanillaParkersBowl · 22/08/2022 16:02

It sounds like he was pissed off at you going away.

How is your relationship in general?

warofthemonstertrucks · 22/08/2022 16:05

Kids are often better behaved for the person that doesn't do the day in day out. Let him do it for a straight month and the novelty will wear off and they'll start acting up for him as they maybe do with you...