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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off at this

158 replies

Keolea · 22/08/2022 09:31

So I have been away for a few days, I work part time 3 days a week and it is the first time I have left the kids with DH. He called me this morning and said we needed a chat later as he cannot understand what I do on my days off and why I find it so hard?

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 22/08/2022 13:35

Why are so many of you enabling this strategic incompetence? Your partners are adults who should know hoe to do laundry and that their children need to be fed. It should be apparent that the house needs to be cleaned. If they feign ignorance or ‘it doesn’t occur to them’, the solution isn’t to just do it all yourself!

MiniCooperLover · 22/08/2022 13:41

I go away at least once, sometimes twice, a year on my own (or with a friend). I definitely don't get things ready in advance and I don't worry that my child (now 11) won't be fed/washed, etc., because DH is an adult man who can take care of himself and certainly can take care of his child without my input. I feel quite depressed at the idea that he'd need me to sort all that out before I go, or it wouldn't happen. Luckily he's never ever said to me 'we need a talk, what do you do all day' because he's not a stupid chancer who goes out of his way to try and make me feel bad.

Booklover3 · 22/08/2022 13:43

Don’t let him belittle you

Original poster
Keolea · 22/08/2022 13:47

So I got home, house is tidy but not been wiped down etc. big pile of washing on the top of the stairs and the washer hasn’t been put on once.

OP posts:
MummaB22 · 22/08/2022 13:47

Keolea · 22/08/2022 13:47

So I got home, house is tidy but not been wiped down etc. big pile of washing on the top of the stairs and the washer hasn’t been put on once.

Of course it isn't! Tell him YOU need to have a conversation with him!

Duettino · 22/08/2022 13:48

@Cherchezlaspice she would go to school in trainers or similar. The world wouldn't end but I find this easier than getting to work and knowing she isn't as she should be for whatever occasion.

I haven't left her for more than one overnight with him from memory and I don't do much then but when I was leaving for work before she woke up, I would leave uniform in one place if she hadn't.

SunnyD44 · 22/08/2022 13:58

If you are finding it difficult and he finds it so easy then why not switch roles - so you go to work FT and he works PT and does the majority of childcare and housework.
Surely that’s the easiest solution.

Tiswa · 22/08/2022 14:00

Then I think you say yes we do need a chat because it is very clear you haven’t done all that I do

tidying is not cleaning and washing doesn’t magically get done!

if he would like to chat about mixing things up fair enough but everything needs to be on the table

abd I bet you did shopping etc before you went

Tiswa · 22/08/2022 14:00

Then I think you say yes we do need a chat because it is very clear you haven’t done all that I do

tidying is not cleaning and washing doesn’t magically get done!

if he would like to chat about mixing things up fair enough but everything needs to be on the table

abd I bet you did shopping etc before you went

mamabear715 · 22/08/2022 14:00

@Keolea I was waiting for that.. no cleaning, no laundered clothes.. bless him, he thinks he did SUCH a good job.. ;-)
(Sounds like the type of thing a ten year old would say.. look mummy, I did THIS for you!)

mountainsunsets · 22/08/2022 14:06

Keolea · 22/08/2022 13:47

So I got home, house is tidy but not been wiped down etc. big pile of washing on the top of the stairs and the washer hasn’t been put on once.

That's why he found it so easy then - because he probably didn't even do 50% of the work you do on a regular basis.

I'd ask him why nothing has been done seeing as it's so easy!

AllyCatTown · 22/08/2022 14:06

It’s easy to stand in for a few days. It’s the relentlessness that’s stressful

diddl · 22/08/2022 14:07

Tell him there's no need for a chat-you resign!

What an arse!

SomethingVexesThee · 22/08/2022 14:07

When my ex started checking out of our marriage, he started finding fault with my parenting and daily routine. Some other people in his life backed him up with this attitude. One was his mum, one was a male friend who'd recently got divorced very acrimoniously, and one was his "friend" from his hobby, aka the other woman, as it turned out.

Hopefully your husband is just being a bit of a prick and will soon see the error of his ways. If you get wind of him having had any company this weekend, then I think a bit of suspicion would be wise.

If you honestly don't suspect infidelity on his part, but he's still being a prick, please think seriously about your life with this man. Who wants a partner who judges and appraises your day to day life, especially when you're enjoying a rare break?

sleepymum50 · 22/08/2022 14:08

When my DD was 7 I was in a car accident and in hospital for five days. My husband took time off work.

He then wasted no time to tell me how well he was dealing with everything and was very smug because he was getting her to eat fish.

When I got home I was unable to do much, and was able to witness by husband cooking boiled potatoes, peas and white poached fish. Her absolute least favourite. I could see she was only eating a tiny bit but didn’t like it. He also served this food so late it was past her bedtime. I have never seen such a mountain of dirty laundry and she told me he had made her pick up the dog poo in the garden.

Men generally set themselves a very low bar. Wait til you get home to see what’s really happened. My husband bullied my DD to eat fish, your husband may have done something similar.

TheSpottedZebra · 22/08/2022 14:08

Model his behaviour for the next week. Learn from the man.

Look after your children as he showed you, and do Sweet FA Else. No washing, no tidying up, no cleaning no shopping.

Triffid1 · 22/08/2022 14:08

Well, can't say I'm shocked that the things you usually do weren't done. Here's another question - how much did you do in advance to make sure his life was easier? did you get a shop in so that he didn't have to do meal planning or last minute dashes to the shop for bread and milk? Did you prepare any meals in advance (or did they have macdonalds every day?). Did any OTHER cleaning need doing or did you do it all in advance/expect to do it when you returned - bedding changes, vacuuming, bathroom cleaning etc?

Brigante9 · 22/08/2022 14:12

I guarantee he’s done nothing that you would usually do. I literally went through what I did with my DH once-not that he’d asked me to justify anything, but I told him I did far more in the house than him and he was surprised. If I didn’t do all the tiny things that add up, the place would be a shithole.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 22/08/2022 14:14

How old are the DC, if this is the first time he has looked after them on his own?
Your DH thinks he is a genius and is about to impart his knowledge on how to be a more effective parent, having never literally done it before. Perhaps he is so naturally suited he needs to start taking more of a role.
Perhaps suggest in the spirit of 360 feedback you would like to raise the resource requirement for clean laundry and bathroom and so on...

Battybonkers · 22/08/2022 14:17

Hi OP, I’ve had difficulty helping DH understand why I struggle so much when seemingly I don’t have anything massively unmanageable to do (2 kids, work 3 days and take on the bulk of household management). I think what he doesn’t appreciate is the emotional load I take on for EVERYTHING is exhausting. For example if he takes the kids to swimming lesson he sees it as he ‘did’ that chore. But he didn’t research which lesson provider, book the lessons, make sure the kids had the kit they needed, reminded him to leave with extra time, pack a post swim snack etc… it’s all of these things that add up. I looked at the ‘fair play system’ as maybe a way to help explain it but haven’t tried it…. If you find a good way of explaining it let me know!!!!

SomethingVexesThee · 22/08/2022 14:26

sleepymum50 · 22/08/2022 14:08

When my DD was 7 I was in a car accident and in hospital for five days. My husband took time off work.

He then wasted no time to tell me how well he was dealing with everything and was very smug because he was getting her to eat fish.

When I got home I was unable to do much, and was able to witness by husband cooking boiled potatoes, peas and white poached fish. Her absolute least favourite. I could see she was only eating a tiny bit but didn’t like it. He also served this food so late it was past her bedtime. I have never seen such a mountain of dirty laundry and she told me he had made her pick up the dog poo in the garden.

Men generally set themselves a very low bar. Wait til you get home to see what’s really happened. My husband bullied my DD to eat fish, your husband may have done something similar.

That reminds me! I had to go to A&E one evening leaving my now ex (married at the time) with DC. I'd stripped our bed earlier in the day but not had time to remake it with fresh bedding. Came home at 3am to find ex snoring away with no covers on the duvet or pillows. He was properly pissed off when I woke him to ask for help getting the bed made properly so I could sleep comfortably, after hours and hours in hospital and in lots of pain. The next day he of course wanted a medal for keeping the DC alive.

Irrelevant to the thread really, sorry, but god that felt good to get off my chest!

Crumpleton · 22/08/2022 14:26

Keolea · 22/08/2022 13:47

So I got home, house is tidy but not been wiped down etc. big pile of washing on the top of the stairs and the washer hasn’t been put on once.

Next move would be to actually show your DH what you do get done in a day.....
By not doing anything and I mean literally do nothing to do with household stuff..
No cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, general tidying etc...
Then when he comes home to complete chaos and no dinner he may learn to appreciate exactly what do get done in a day.

diddl · 22/08/2022 14:32

Keolea · 22/08/2022 13:47

So I got home, house is tidy but not been wiped down etc. big pile of washing on the top of the stairs and the washer hasn’t been put on once.

So as a start you just point to the dirty surfaces & pile of washing as an example of "what you do all day".

Presumably you take the kids out as well so it's not as if you're even in the house all day to be doing housework?

Dwrcegin · 22/08/2022 14:36

it is the first time I have left the kids with DH

He's never looked after them alone before? Ever?

Derbee · 22/08/2022 14:36

Keolea · 22/08/2022 13:47

So I got home, house is tidy but not been wiped down etc. big pile of washing on the top of the stairs and the washer hasn’t been put on once.

Point out all the things he hasn’t done. Explain to him that doing the BARE MINIMUM of keeping the children alive is nothing to be smug about. There’s a lot more involved in being at home, which he seems incapable of understanding

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