To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

You are not being unreasonable. My husband is the same way and has been for 20 years. The first 2 years of marriage he made an effort. Nothing since. Not for my birthday, not for our anniversary, not for Christmas. Nothing. I turned 50 in May. (Hoping for something epic...) Guess what I got?

@JupiterJuJu why are they like it? Do you do stuff for him?

asking for the money back for his gift was quite empowering and I could see he was a bit shocked. It’s a loss to him because the earbuds cost more than the 3-course deal we were going to, even if we did order booze! The meal out would’ve been £100 ish, earbuds were £134 😂😂😂😂 hopefully he’s doing the maths and kicking himself.

I’m sorry to hear this. You really should be able to expect a nice meal out together for your birthday.

Many people prefer this to “my wife” as it doesn’t make them sound like a pisession.

I've never met a woman who thought 'The Wife' was preferable!

'My wife' is no more possessive than 'my sister' or 'my dad'.

I know a few couples who use “the” for this reason. It may be a regional thing.

It’s certainly used in an affectionate way.

I'd go to dinner without him - what would have been the cost of his meal can be spent on a nice bottle of wine/fizz!

Yes, I do stuff for him. But I have gotten to the point that I try not to, but sometimes I just can't help myself but to do something for him. I like giving gifts. But I also like to receive them. He just either doesn't care or doesn't think it's a big deal. For our 20th anniversary I REALLY wanted something pretty. Particularly a ring. I figured he'd figure that out considering all the hints that I had given him. But nope, he didn't. I got a weighted blanket instead. I lost my mind on him. But his gift giving still hasn't gotten any better.

That's awful.

My father was like that. That was in the 70s. My mum had to literally shame him one time when she lost it, but was so hurt and never really got over it.

Just remembered one. My father usually gave good gifts to my mother but he fucked up big style for her 60th.

My sister and I threw her an afternoon tea party with all her girlfriends and she was thrilled but went home in tears as he had given her.......a book he got free with their NT membership that she had already read. His excuse "You didnt say what you wanted!" and she realised that all the "thoughtful" gifts she had had in previous years were because she had said "Oh I would love X, perhaps you could get that for my birthday".

Dsis and I had "words" ......

Once he rang us with "its our anniversary next month, I was going to give your mother a pearl necklace, do you think she will like it?". Yes we did call each other straight away afterwards and fell about!!! Childish? Hell yeah!

As for the whataboutery posters saying "but Ukraine".

Well there's also Palestine, Syria, Yemen, the persecution of the Uyghurs, the persecution of the Rohyngia, and many other conflicts around the world with thousands murdered and millions displaced.

It's possible to be concerned about those people, and still have our own personal problems.

Would you tell a woman suffering domestic violence she should be grateful she's not living in Afghanistan?

@Bunnyfuller great call on asking to be reimbursed. Spend the money on what you want & flaunt it to him.

Say no more about it until he does & it may be time to do a real overview of the sharing of family obligations. I'd wager that you're being shortchanged in other areas. Even if you think you can endure more time, you should try to make the 'partnership' more equitable during this time.

Without generalising too much, myself & quite a few friends that I know have enabled some various sorts of undesirable behaviour from our husbands over the years. When this is challenged, they are shocked. Because they are blind to the fact that they've basically enjoyed an unfair advantage & have been too lazy to think about it & redress the balance. We've just put up with shit to avoid discomfort/confrontation.

Good luck Op

Is he a narcissist?
He sounds selfish at best, from what you're saying, and to give you the silent treatment and then play the victim "I don't want presents". He sounds like a man-child.

You've hinted that this is just the tip of the iceberg. I hope you're ok in general OP.

what is so sad is that he must behave like this because the relationship doesnt mean much to him. Two people very unhappy with their lives with each other. Both of you would probably be better off with other partners.

Why THE ACTUAL F* are you still with him? He obviously doesn't love or respect you. I'd leave if i was you.

OP, take the money he gives you for his gift and buy that doll. Display her somewhere you can always see her and for the next five years, know that she is a symbol of your decision to leave. And he paid for it!

PS. Also a doll collector and I don't need much excuse!

Correct. What an arsehole.

Rea this out to my husband and he said LTB. He doesn't value you , you should be treated like a queen on your birthday.

Pop his bike tyres.. not obviously.. just puncture that will go down over time. Hopefully when he’s miles away.
Then get rid

That must be so hurtful. I agree with the majority of the posts,keep the money in your pocket and don't get him anything for his next birthday. Here is a virtual gift.x

Me too, closely followed by divorce proceedings.
Seriously, I couldn't live like that, bugger that.😡

Have you got any girly friends / family you could do a night out with? Nice meal & a few drinks. Leave him out of the picture for an evening, go have fun and celebrate your birthday!

If not do something you love , something you enjoy and do it for you as a treat.

Sorry your DH is being a tight arse. Hope you have a lovely birthday regardless! ❤️

You and me must share a husband. Guitars, bikes, football, holidays with his mates, all fine. For our 40th wedding anniversary he suggested a picnic at lunchtime, as he wanted to go to a music festival in the afternoon/evening. At one point in our working lives, when I earned more money than him, I was able to put my foot down and have some work done on the house (which he had always considered a waste of money before) but now that we are both retired, and he gets more pension than me because I took years off to raise the children, the power has slipped back to him. He has all his pensions paid into a separate account which only he has access to, and dribbles into the joint household account as and when.
Writing this as, for yet another evening he has gone out with his mates, ducking his turn at cooking, and watering the garden. It is my birthday next week. Not holding my breath. I have dropped any number of hints that it would be nice to go out for a meal. Would not be surprised if he announced half way through the day that he is going out again with his mates.

I have a certain sympathy with DH. It's easy to get a restaurant bill up to £100 - and for what? Food is food, so it's about the 'occasion', i.e. 'splurge some money to prove I'm worth it'. That sticks in my throat too.

Ok….so he has rebooked the restaurant, not asked for his money back and this appeared this evening…