To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

You are overreacting here ... its nice to see a man take note ! How many times are we referring to "the husband". Get a grip or look at your own personal issues with men maybe ? @Paul85 fwiw we don't all feel like this one does lol

Well I'd stop bothering with anything for his birthday for a start! Save the money you would have spent on him and when your birthday comes around just treat yourself instead.

ODFOD 🙄

Thanks for the support 😂

Why do you put up with it?

I'm sorry you feel unloved and unseen OP. I always take my bday off work and treat myself to something - a spa day or the cinema, or a my favourite walk, depending on finances that year. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated!

Ah @maryanne3 why are you putting up with this selfish shoddy treatment.

That's not right, at all.

I don't often get emotional but that is so cold and heartless.

@maryanne3

After a 40 year marriage, you are highly likely to be a good candidate for a 50/50 split of assets if you divorce.

Please, please don't waste the next few decades of your one, precious life on someone who has shown you so little respect, care and love.

File for divorce and build a lovely, happy new life for yourself with your half of the assets.

My mum has never looked back and her only regret about their divorce is that she didn't do it sooner.

Oh and those assets included his pensions @maryanne3

You may not have access to them now, but they're in the marital pot divorce settlement wise.

Mine is exactly the same. His family are too. They buy/ plan for themselves, never for others.
Its not about the cost. It’s about being lived, recognised, heard and appreciated for all of the things you do and for the things that make you- you!

If after talking ( if you think it’s worth saving) he doesn’t put in any effort and continues to be controlling financially and in many other ways - I'd be getting myself ready for a divorce too. You should get out of a relationship what you put in. He thinks his hobbies, wants and desires are worth more than a relationship with you. A very selfish trait, and not an attractive one either. He prioritises those things not saying sorry, thank you or happy birthday. Not showing your daughters how or what a healthy reciprocal relationship is by ignoring you, or marking your birthday in a meaningful way.

Theses are from me🎁🎂💐 I hope you do enjoy your day even if it's a picnic and a book. You are with it and he and your daughters should be putting on more effort to make you feel special. The drudgery of all the other days feels so much more worthwhile.

OP, give him a push. It's a nice gesture but imo he needs to speak his truth that he was wrong & apologise. It's obviously uncomfortable for h but he needs to go through it for things to change.

Ask him why he brought the champagne. If he says sorry or he felt bad, tell him he could just have apologised but you appreciate the gesture. Check if he understands that you want your birthday to be a little special. If he was chuffed with the AirPods, does he see that you'd maybe like & deserve a slide of that?

I am sobbing at this thread because I could have wrote it, it was my birthday at the weekend. I did get nice presents I had to chose them myself then DH bought them, DD1 did tell my afterward she suggested things and he would say no I’ve spent too much already (and she was talking about 2 bags of £1.50 sweets here). We were supposed to go for lunch but had a row and didn’t go, I might have gotten a glass of wine but it would have been grudged as would a dessert he would have suggested a £2 frozen cheesecake instead on the way home.

Again tip of the iceberg, he’s on a good income but is a tight arse. He does the online food shopping as I can’t be trusted to keep “within budget” then I go to the actual shop and buy myself what I actually want/need. I’m sick of living like we are on the breadline.

Yep he's right!

But so fucking what! He's going to ge the richest man in the graveyard 👏

Another one wanting to be the richest man in the graveyard...

Jennylove has the words you need.

Treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
Seems to be you have accepted his approach and therefore he may think it’s ok.
Start again and treat yourself within your budget.

I really feel for you @Bunnyfuller (and for those others on here in similar situations)

As many have mentioned already your husband's behaviour (both in general and in particular on this occasion) is despicable, selfish and IMO verging on bullying/psychological abuse.

After rereading your original post and your additional comments over the course of this lengthy discussion thread l have a strong feeling that your post is not really/entirely centred on the "birthday incident" but is actually more of a general cry for some help and support regarding your overall marital situation and how you feel undervalued and poorly treated by your absolute shit of a husband.

I feel that the situation regarding your birthday celebrations is simply the "straw that breaks the camel's back) and this has brought some long held, deep seated feelings of resentment over your treatment and leaving you questioning your self worth.

I think that you already know that splashing out a wad of cash to treat yourself as you should be on your birthday on yourself isn't actually going to change anything to address the real problems in your marriage.

I do think that you do need to have a good long discussion with your husband at some point (ideally sooner rather than later obviously) BUT you need to be in the right frame of mind first to make it both a productive, reasoned and rewarding session for YOU.

I suspect that you really need to talk to someone else not involved here - not family or friends, but rather someone who is completely impartial and preferably a professional with experience in this area.

Perhaps initially have a chat with your GP and see if they can put you in touch with a local support group or counsellor and see how it goes.

If I thought that you buying a nice present and having a slap up booze fuelled dinner would actually help then I would pay for them myself but I suspect that you will, after consideration, agree that it won't change anything significant for you - and of course "Christmas is coming" so what happens then?

Tit for Tat with prezzies is definitely not going to have any positive affect on your situation.

I truly feel for you and hope that you can find someone who can help you and that your future is much much better than at present - whether you move forward married or newly single.

Best wishes,

Jim

• Yes ladies another guy having the cheek to post thinking that he might - just might - be able to contribute meaningfully to a woman's cry for help.....😈

** @Bunnyfuller BTW if you think that I have got the whole thing wrong then then my offer of a nice gift and a nice meal with a couple of bottles of "Vino Collapso" 😁 (for yourself and a friend) is still on the table - pun intended - and if necessary I am sure that we can sort out some means acceptable to Mumsnet Admin for me to get payment to you without us being in direct communication.

You obviously have not paid much attention to the rest of the OP's feedback throughout - looks like you have based your snap judgement merely based on your feelings about the initial post.....

@Bunnyfuller is also contributing to the household income since she also works full time - and did you accidentally miss the part where he's perfectly happy to splash out as much as he likes on his own hobbies and "toys"?

Jim

@Babysitter12

You are probably oblivious to where money comes from and where it goes , You have left him the worry of where money comes from and goes

Why on earth do you think that OP is 'probably oblivious' to 'where money comes from' (partly from her working full time!) or where it goes?

She says: "££ isn’t tight, he’s happy to spend on what he wants. I don’t have spare to treat myself, and teenagers work at weekends,which is when I’m off."

She works full time too and her husband is 'happy to spend on what he wants'.

She says that 'the mortgage is not v much and significant equity in house - enough for me to buy something outright.'

What part of that makes you think she's 'probably oblivious' to their budget? Or that he is the only one who worries about money?

Just another misogynist post. Nothing to see here 🙄

@Babysitter12 really? Do you happen to be a man? Or a misogynistic woman Your opinion is baffling!

What the fuck is this!

Maybe she's the main breadwinner.

Maybe he's just a stingy cunt.

Maybe you shouldn't pidgeon hole folks with NO knowledge of their actual situation.

What the actual fuck? Have you time travelled from the 1950's?

You are a very angry man hater, they call that misandry.
I suggest you calm down, and reflect on your toxic attitude

You need to be able to read and understand a thread!

No misandry here!