To be pissed off at my tight husband

[Bunnyfuller]

It’s my birthday next week, I will be 55. On DH’s birthday I got him some apple EarPods, from Wowcher, admittedly, but all the same a well over £100 gift, cheapie lunch out.

After 21 years of no effort at a surprise, I’ve resigned myself to booking/choosing anything myself and he just doesn’t. So I booked a restaurant on a night when there’s a deal - 3 course set menu. His first words were ‘we’re not having alcohol, right?’

I’ve cancelled the booking, what’s the fun going out with someone who clearly resents getting their hand in their pocket. It’s not that I would have demanded 3 cocktails and a bottle of fizz, it’s just him saying that as the opener that has pissed me off.

Teenage DD’s working over my birthday, so yet another year where ‘hope you’re spoilt’ is a fucking sick joke. No family nearby, both sets of parents not a farthing to Ru together.

I feel invisible and unloved. 😐yes, I’m a adult, but just long for one year where a birthday IS a special day, for me, just once.

I feel your pain! My OH is never over the too but he does his part normally… this year was my first Mothers day as a Mother and Because he works so much i ve been doing it basically alone and i got a lousy card that said “mummy every poo that poo i poo it for you” or something like it. I was hoping for a better Birthday… i got a card that was an EXACT copy of the one i got him for his birthday 3 months before ( so clearly didn't forget my birthday it was a choice not to get anything) my present for him was £100 and i bought him something from the baby too and cake too and i an on maternity leave… i know its silly and materialistic but its been nearly a month and i am still hurt, no longer upset but i feel taken for granted! And to be honest, arriving home with like a donugh would have been enough for me, i would have not needed anything expensive!

@Bunnyfuller
No, I've read all the thread but had nothing to say that hadn't been said. To avoid repetition I looked to see what was in the box as it looked pretty.
I agree, it's a lot of money but as a non-drinker I have no idea what most people find acceptable to spend on alcohol. Love has no price.

I completely understand where you are coming from in regards to the disappointment. I'm only 33. Last year none of the children wished me a happy birthday (I can forgive it because no one makes a big deal about my birthday so how are they supposed to know whereas I make a big deal out of everyone else's birthday so the children know) and I spent the day cleaning. My SIL didn't get me a gift but spent £100 on my DH (I told him about a month after my birthday because she'd asked for a really expensive gift from us). This year I wanted to go to bravissimo on my birthday because I have literally no bras that fit, then something happened that my DH wanted to attend so I said that I won't go to bravissimo so that he could attend and I would go round the charity shops near his old house, then I had to change my plans again to accommodate something else. And I didn't get a gift from SIL this year but she spent £100+ on DH. (I haven't said anything about it to him this year because I don't want to seem like a CF especially since my DH said if she didn't get me anything this year he wouldn't get her a birthday gift and tell her exactly why he didn't too) My own father stopped giving me birthday and Christmas gifts when I had children with the reasoning of I have children (I thought fair enough as long as the children get a gift), yet he didn't get DS5 a 1st birthday present at all and so far this year he hasn't got any of his grandchildren (I'm his only child that has children) any gifts, yet he still gives gifts to my other siblings. Its kind of painful being 'forgotten' and that's probably why it bothers you. I'm pleased that your DH has seen some sense and got you a bit of a treat though you sound like you deserve it.

Do you have your own finances? If so, do a Shirley Valentine and get yourself off to Greece for at least a month. Leave a note for all of them telling him and kids why. Tell him that you will be embibing quite a lot of alcohol as well. Say that you are sure he won't mind because it's cheap there. Invite him over on his posh bike. CORFU would be doable for that. Good luck with it all and if not possible...just leave him. Xxx

What a miserable, joyless bastard! Have you got a nice girlfriend you could go to the restaurant with? Have a bottle or two of wine. It’s your day and you deserve to enjoy it xx

I would be fuming too

Leave him home go out with the girls and bring his card

Book yourself a spa overnight deal and have dinner with whatever cocktail or wine you like. Order dinner to your room or sit in the restaurant.

Buy yourself some little gifts you really want (not need) and enjoy yourself.

This is just not on.
Go out and buy yourself a lovely piece of expensive jewellery. You deserve a treat. If no one else is bothering, just value yourself buy big and spend some money. (If you have the money)
You deserve to be treated. Diamonds or gold and perhaps a new hairstyle and of course a new outfit. Get yourself some decent cut flowers too.
I'm furious you are being treated like a door mat.
Happy Birthday.

Wow! I could have actually wrote this. My DH is exactly the same and it's infuriating. The only difference is he likes to spend money on alcohol more than anything else!! To cut a very long story short, I'm actually in the process of getting a plan together so I can leave him! 34 years of this shit has taken it's toll 😔

I’m in the same boat as you, practically the same age. I never have anything for my birthday and no one gives a sh@t. Taken completely for granted. Book a break with your Best friend and s*d him

Someone has to watch the finances, its only a birthday, don't be so churlish !
Have a bottle of bubbly when you get home, to avoid drinking and driving

Exactly this 👆

The point is waaaaaay over there --------->

Stop buying for any of these people!

Does your H not buy for you?

Your dad is a twat, stop buying for him.

And don’t even wish SILhappy birthday.

He isn't tight. My husbands tight. He does all the grocery shopping cos I can't be trusted. He always bought the kids clothes for the same reason. He will moan if anything goes out of date or doesn't get used frequently. I am willing to bet he could tell you the price of every item in the house from clothes to furniture to soap.

The person he is tightest with is himself. By far. He asks for essential clothes for all present giving occasions and I have to hold a fucking intervention everytime I realise there is something he wants that he sees as extravagant (I am talking stuff that costs over 100 not thousands). He nearly quit the hobby he loves when they put the subs up by 8 pounds a month. I had to talk him down.

He will pull his face if he thinks I am spending to much on myself but nothing too terrible and to be honest I am awful with money and viewing my spending through his eyes has helped me be more responsible. He has always been generous with gifts and treats for all the people he loves including me.

He is tightest with me over small stuff. He is much more likely to get a titty lip over me spending £2.50 on a fancy chocolate bar than £300 on a coat. He recognises the value of the latter but not the former.

Anyway that's tight. It's an annoying and potentially destructive character trait that can also be a good thing if moderated. What you are describing is extreme selfishness and utter disregard for your needs.

This reminds me of when I was growing up. My dad used to do this. Years later after counselling, he admitted to us he was abandoned by his father to a neighbour after his mum died and he always felt he couldn't splurge incase something terrible would happen and he'd be left to fend for himself. My mum didn't know this at the time and was always disappointed. Eventually she got together her own money (we didn't have much), and treated herself to something that could have been given by a friend, I remember a beautiful National Geographic picture book, fancy slippers, a lovely hand cream, a cream tea at a local hotel and a book about how to write. She'd buy them when she saw them and wrap them up till her birthday. Weirdly, he was always generous to us kids though and was like a kid himself with the excitement.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's wrenching and disappointing. There's been some good advice on here about doing/planning something for yourself.
Is there any milage in trying to talk to him about it on a day that isn't near anyone's birthday/Christmas? Saying how it makes people feel, asking what's behind his reluctance to celebrate, showing how money can be put aside for it? I'm rubbish at preparing conversations like that but maybe there's a video or book you could consult first?

OP I would just book a nice holiday for yourself on your birthday. You well deserve it x

Your husband is an a-hole

You are being unreasonable not to have trained him by now Read him the riot act BIGTIME

I am too!

my fam are the same i dont get bd or xmas prezzy and it herts so i know how you feel

Bless you OP! You sound fab and your DH sounds incredibly selfish! Lovely that he got you a nice bottle but a shame it was out of guilt. You deserve better lovely xxxxx

You should rebook the dinner and order as much as you like. Go and enjoy yourself! Order a cocktail! Also buy yourself a nice gift - whatever it is you’d like - special perfume, books, jewellery, bag - whatever your preference. Tell him you need money for the dc/shopping etc this month as you’re short. Don’t cut off your nose to spite yourself. And tell him he needs to up his game, tell him how unhappy you feel.

I had a fiancé who spent £10,000 on a hi fi system but baulked at buying a £3000 engagement ring. He didn’t understand that it wasn’t about having an expensive ring but the fact he spent so much money on things for himself I felt like he didn’t care as much about me as he did about his possessions. It was the wake up call I needed when he just didn’t get it. Understand, I mean. So he became an ex fiancé and to this day (15 years ago) I haven’t been in another relationship because it made me so sick of relationships with selfish men. I have loved being single. I know it sounds harsh but I think you would be better off without him.