Crying over French attitude to my autistic son

[Luckyloubytwo]

We are in France at the moment and having a mostly wonderful time. DS 9 has asd but is usually fairly easy going, quiet, and you wouldn't notice he was different to other children.

However, yesterday and today he has had a huge meltdown in public. When this happens in the UK it is difficult but people generally are understanding and mimd their own business. However, here it seems to bring the whole town to a standstill. People will just stop in their tracks and stare. Today we were in a busy area and it seemed to bring everyone to a halt. We all got very upset back at the car and I just can't stop crying.

I am just feeling so upset at the attitude of the French people towards our son.

My children aren’t autistic but I got very weary at the judgey comments I’d get about anything and everything whenever I was out and about in my grandparents’ town - your sons nose is running, he’s not wearing enough clothes, the pram is in the wrong place etc etc. As for autism, my French cousin who worked in secondary education for most of his life hadn’t even heard of Asperger’s syndrome. I’m sure you’re not imagining it, the French can be very uptight.

However, IME, mental health care is very good and there is certainly a desire within the health care profession to improve education and understanding/support around ASD. The issue seems to be that there are very few qualified professionals around who specialise in ASD.

I love France and travel there often but I have noticed that the general French attitude to disabilities is years behind the UK (which is far from perfect itself). I've only noticed somewhat half-hearted attempts at accessibility in recent years. The disabled toilets, for example, are often not fit for purpose. And you rarely see people with any kind of disability out in public.

Staring is not considered rude in numerous European countries.
We live in Germany with an autistic child and get stared at regularly.
In Germany they also consider it a treatable condition and our doctor is desperate to put our daughter into a two week stay at a psychiatric (adult) unit and fix her. Appalling.

I'm so sorry that you've experienced this. It's a thing. My daughter waves at people and says Guten Tag when they stare now. Staring is totally normal.
As Britons we are hardwired not to. It's tough.

@Jourdain11 People can only speak as they find

Oh great, and it continues! "The French" are uptight. French women are bitchez even when not in France. This thread is unbelievably xenophobic and I think it should be deleted. If it was about race or religion you can bet it would be - imagine a thread that said "people of X religion can be very uptight", "and they're even like that elsewhere". Ha, not a chance! It's actually extremely depressing to see this.

OP - what you describe is just how I felt in the UK when ds would have 'public meltdowns' and I'm a UK national and resident. Firstly, these often reduce as our ASD dc grow older.

Different to your situation, ds was rarely quite and very gregarious (not now, more the opposite, he's 20) and strangely enough had fewer meltdowns when we went to other countries. Notably Albania was consistently kind and ds reacted well to this. Spain, Greece too - probably because they seem to appreciate dc more than we do.

Thankfully the French Customs/Immigration Officer was stern enough to send him racing back the 200m he'd just run to get on the Ferry at Roscoff (as I was left standing aghast in the footpassenger queue holding all the bags).

And I'll never forget the smile he got at Orly from a similar Officer as ds boldly said "au revoir" as we boarded our plane.

Indeed, I can also speak as I find, and I find the attitudes on this thread to be depressingly xenophobic and offensive.

"quiet", rarely quiet, not quite....ffs

But it seems to be lived experience rather than speculation?

Not wishing to derail but just came back from a holiday in Spain and there we saw people with physical and intellectual disabilities in the street regularly. The Spanish are generally less self conscious than the french I feel and that can make for a generally more easy going and tolerant atmosphere.

The French still are in sway to Freud and blame the parents for a child's problems. It makes them suspicious and judgemental.

It’s not xenophobic, it’s a fact of life. I live in Switzerland and my autistic daughter is in international school for this reason - there are adjustments made for her that would be absent in their otherwise excellent state school.

For myself, I think a hidden benefit of our NHS is a codified sense of what’s acceptable. In an insurance based system there is no one set standard and you get doctors believing all sorts

However, it is perfectly fine to have countless threads with people from other countries dissing the UK, erm,no!

Sorry @Jourdain11 my mum was French and I grew up in a francophone environment. There are many many strong points and wonderful things about France but I think in terms of tolerance towards difference and public behaviour that deviates form accepted norms, France has a way to go. These experiences happen. Go to a French park and all you can hear is “ Maxence ça suffit ”. “Charlotte non” “ Amandine on rentre a la maison” etc.

I spend a lot of time in France. I think it is more likely that people were concerned and wondering what was wrong. I remember everyone staring at me when my small child had an episode of very distressed crying in a cafe. Once they realised that she thought her daddy had disappeared forever, rather than just gone to the loo, they were all smiles.

No, it's because France is a massively disablist society.

Yeah, okay, so if one person of a particular religion tutted or stared at you in public, would it then be okay to say, "The Jews are all judgmental as fuck" or "The Muslims are all 40 years behind the times" or "The Catholics are all in sway to Freud"? Obviously it would be fine, since it would be based on personal experience, according to that theory. I'll stop replying now because this thread is becoming xenophobic, racist and downright offensive. I expect this reply will be deleted anyway- ironically - because it contains racist comments, even though they are used demonstratively.

But not stare as they find?

But this isn't dissing France, it's dissing French people. All of them! Based on a handful of individuals', quite possibly misinterpreted, experiences.

We often visit France and find the people VERY stare-y. As in they will be sitting on a park bench and staring at you walking past, really obviously, when you’re just walking along. Even craning their necks if you change a direction. It’s bizarre but I don’t think they consider it rude

France and Belgium are very backward in their understanding of autism. I work with children with autism and I see this when we go out into the community. I always say " Il est autiste ..." I actually feel really proud of my students when I take them out, and like changing peoples attitudes to disabilities. Don't let them get to you- they are ignorant and know nothing about your struggles. I am sure you are doing an amazing job.