Crying over French attitude to my autistic son

[Luckyloubytwo]

We are in France at the moment and having a mostly wonderful time. DS 9 has asd but is usually fairly easy going, quiet, and you wouldn't notice he was different to other children.

However, yesterday and today he has had a huge meltdown in public. When this happens in the UK it is difficult but people generally are understanding and mimd their own business. However, here it seems to bring the whole town to a standstill. People will just stop in their tracks and stare. Today we were in a busy area and it seemed to bring everyone to a halt. We all got very upset back at the car and I just can't stop crying.

I am just feeling so upset at the attitude of the French people towards our son.

Did the child lose control of the bowels and threw up? Sorry missed that

He was an autistic child having a meltdown. Do you know what that entails? It means he is no more capable of controlling that then an elder rely woman is of controlling her bowels.

Honestly the fucking ableism on this thread makes me sick

Do you have, or live with anyone who has, disabilities? You don’t get to tell those who do how they should feel about their experiences

TBH, even if the answer is yes, you still don’t get to tell others how they should or shouldn’t feel.

My daughter has Tourette’s and had a very similar experience to the OP in France. Stared at constantly. She’s well used to being started at, but not to this extent.

she felt intimidated, self conscious, embarrassed, like she was a complete freak show, to the point she refused to leave our accommodation

Ahhh sorry @Endlesslypatient82 I should have explained more carefully. What I was trying to convey to you with a more common example of an elderly relative (rather than a fairly rare neurological condition in a child), was that you are already distressed, vulnerable and exposed. I’m sorry I honestly thought it was obvious so left you confused.

But I don’t see how someone releasing their bowels and vomiting is remotely comparable to this thread.

He didn't have a tantrum. He had an autistic meltdown.

But in this scenario
the one the op started a thread on
he did not
he had a tantrumn and people stopped and had a nosey

You're all over this @Endlesslypatient82 You sound like you were there.

Felt like the whole town came to a standstill = had a nosey

You are making yourself look stupid.

But I don’t see how someone releasing their bowels and vomiting is remotely comparable to this thread.

we can see that. Take it from me. You missed the point. Big time.

It wasn't what the child did. It was what the passers by did.

I think you are misunderstanding what an autistic “meltdown” is. It’s not a temper tantrum as you would see in a badly brought up child (or adult). It’s being totally overwhelmed, so better characterised as a panic attack or perhaps anxiety?

Yep but are we surprised on here? I was told in another thread that my 9yo (who occasionally has a meltdown and lashes out at me) can't be allowed 'out in society.' Would that be said about any other disability or indeed, minority? Fucking disgusting and it's rife on this forum.

I think disabilities are sometimes seen as fair game TBH

I was once told my DD shouldn’t go out as her type of Tourette’s means she will sometimes verbally tic swear words/inappropriate comments/slurs.

Especially disabilities that aren't immediately obvious. It's astounding that grown adults aren't capable of understanding that not everyone is the same as them and their families.

Oh that sounds tough. Hope you’ve bounced back and are enjoying holidays again. I have definitely noticed feeling a bit more judged when using screens at mealtimes for autistic DD in France but otherwise only friendly experiences. I must say this thread has made me wonder if that may change if we holiday there in future (she’s only 3yo).

Quite eye opening to see differences in attitudes even in European countries as reported in some of the links shared. Definitely taking note as many have said that things have changed / improved in France - but even so. We moved abroad before DD’s autism became apparent and I guess we were ‘lucky’ that we happened to have moved to a country that feels quite well resourced for SEN and with positive attitudes around it.

@ahna68 i often think we should swap where’s and what’s been really great in the SN section. There are lots of places where people are helpful and thoughtful and places where that doesn’t happen and really the disabled community should invest in those that support us.

I read your post earlier @alloalloallo and I’m so sorry she experienced that. I’m even more sorry that certain posters feel the need to tell you and other parents of children with disabilities or impairments that they shouldn’t be bothered because apparently it’s not rude, even when you’re being followed out a restaurant to be gawped at

No he had a meltdown.

An autistic child having a meltdown is not the same as a NT child having a tantrum.

And even then, it’s NOT ok to stare just because it’s a child having a tantrum. They aren’t deserving of stares or dirty looks either.

Meltdowns make tantrums look like a picnic. I had many as a child and have had several in adulthood. I would sell an organ never to have one again. Imagine your brain is a computer that has crashed and there is nothing you can do it to stop it. Add to that the feeling that your skin is red raw and you are being rolled in broken glass and having sat sprinkled on you, you have a concord level noise in your ears and every one around you is speaking to you in a foreign language and expecting you to answer. move or do anything. That is as close as I can get.

Dirty Stare is very different from stopping, having a gawp and then moving on.

i got the impression it was the latter.

my point is to try and reassure the op that I suspect it was nosy locals stopping for a minute because a bit of drama.

Probably stopped 100m further down the road to gawp at a married couple having an argument!

my point is to try and reassure the op that I suspect it was nosy locals stopping for a minute because a bit of drama

Im not sure how that’s supposed to be reassuring? Or make the OP feel better?

And so what if they moved on - not like it’s a really good thing that they didn’t follow the OP home.

It’s like some people are just determined to see shadows and persist in the negative.

There is no hint that these people did anything other than stop and gawp and then move on. no mention of judgey face or hushed comment etc. Just nosiness. Rude but…. Bit of drama in a otherwise quiet french village - as I say probably stopped further down the road to watch a tourist couple have a tiff!

It’s like some people are just determined to see shadows and persist in the negative. or perhaps they’ve encountered prejudice and prefer to be honest about it rather than pretend “it’s normal”. It’s not ok to gawp at disabled people because you find their struggles entertaining.

OP actually said However, here it seems to bring the whole town to a standstill. People will just stop in their tracks and stare. Today we were in a busy area and it seemed to bring everyone to a halt.. Bringing a whole town to a standstill isn’t one couple pausing to glance at someone for a minute. Why are you defending these ignorant arses? OP has not persisted in the negative she says they’ve had a lovely holiday this just marred it.

You honestly think it “bought the whole town to a standstill”?

i think the op was mortified and stressed and saw a few french locals stopping and being nosy. Especially as no mention of abuse, cats bum face, whispers, which surely would have been mentioned in the op!

but 🤷‍♀️

my point is to try and reassure the op that I suspect it was nosy locals stopping for a minute because a bit of drama.

"for a minute"

You weren't even there.