Crying over French attitude to my autistic son

[Luckyloubytwo]

We are in France at the moment and having a mostly wonderful time. DS 9 has asd but is usually fairly easy going, quiet, and you wouldn't notice he was different to other children.

However, yesterday and today he has had a huge meltdown in public. When this happens in the UK it is difficult but people generally are understanding and mimd their own business. However, here it seems to bring the whole town to a standstill. People will just stop in their tracks and stare. Today we were in a busy area and it seemed to bring everyone to a halt. We all got very upset back at the car and I just can't stop crying.

I am just feeling so upset at the attitude of the French people towards our son.

There is no hint that these people did anything other than stop and gawp and then move on. no mention of judgey face or hushed comment etc. Just nosiness. Rude but…. Bit of drama in a otherwise quiet french village - as I say probably stopped further down the road to watch a tourist couple have a tiff!

The hint hat it was an awful experience is that "they were all upset and OP couldn't stop crying"

People stopping for a minute don't bring a town to a standstill. I'm sorry but you are just ignoring the OP in your efforts to prove something else.

I'm not trying to be negative I'm just listening to the actual words. You can steamroller it into something else all you want.

You honestly think it “bought the whole town to a standstill”?

OP said it felt like that. You honestly think she would have described it as feeling like that if it was a few bods gawping for a minute.

You are literally undermining OP's experience at every point.

OP said it felt like that. You honestly think she would have described it as feeling like that if it was a few bods gawping for a minute.

yes, possible. Probable even “.

My DN (19) tripped and fell today in busy town centre. A handful of people stopped, gawped, and then strolled on.

she was so profoundly embarrassed. She was convinced that “everyone stopped and laughed at her”. The disparity between her view and the rest of the family who saw objectively was striking

Are you one of those unpleasant people who think autistic kids are just naughty?

*i think the op was mortified and stressed and saw a few french locals stopping and being nosy. Especially as no mention of abuse, cats bum face, whispers, which surely would have been mentioned in the op!
*

Keep telling the OP what happened to her. And how she should be feeling.

@Luckyloubytwo

Oh good grief.

ok I’ll bow out.

But ‘only’ stopping and staring at a ND child in the midst of an extremely difficult and painful moment for them is not OK.

What aren’t you getting?

If you had a medical emergency Cynon the middle of a supermarket and people convened to stare, I assume you’d think ‘fair play’.

What about if it was someone having a panic attack, or a fit - is it OK to just stand stare and do fuck all to help?

No when I collapse I far prefer people to step right over me and ignore my presence. So much more polite.

@Endlesslypatient82 i think the op was mortified and stressed and saw a few french locals stopping and being nosy. Especially as no mention of abuse, cats bum face, whispers, which surely would have been mentioned in the op! but WHY do you think this? It’s not at all likely that OP isn’t used to a fair amount of attention. Her child is NINE, she’s had almost a decade of experience and presumably the child has had these hideous moments of loss of control before in public. WHY do you insist that it wasn’t awful she’s just misinterpreted?

@Porcupineintherough assuming you are safe with your mother I would imagine people watching you recover from collapsing is fairly uncomfortable.

FGS why do you continue to try and minimise the OP’s experience with incomparable situations? It’s actually getting weird now how much you want to believe OP is making it up

Of course you are not being unreasonable - being upset in the moment is natural. Try not to dwell on it as that will affect your child. I am sure that once the event is less raw you will be able to rationalise that cultures and levels of understanding vary, between countries, but also within countries and even different parts of the same town or city sometimes (including in the UK).

On a practical level, if you are going to spend a lot of time in France then learning how to explain the situation in (simple) French and being a bit thicker skinned (I mean that in a nice, not a critical, way) might help you and your child. And even other French and non-French parents with the same issue, who see you dealing with it in a calm, happy and confident manner. Perhaps also find the organisations for ASD in France and use Google translate to read them and learn more about the attitudes, and problems, and solutions that French parents and society have, as being armed with knowledge helps.

Handling it well and smiling goes a long way in such situations I find, it can diffuse it and then be less upsetting (at least overtly). (Obviously if you speak good French already, this is half-irrelevant, but it'd be a good idea to work out in advance how you plan to handle such reactions if it happens again, wherever that is, so as not to be taken by surprise and feel unimpowered.)

dealing with it in a calm, happy and confident manner. I don’t think you have to do that. You wouldn’t expect women experiencing overt sexism to pretend to be calm and happy. It’s ok to be upset when people are treating you badly.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202110/5-ways-deal-adult-autistic-meltdowns

Meltdowns tend to be triggered by sensory overload, communication issues, and/or social situations. People who experience meltdowns tend to describe them as a complete loss of control which, once they're able to reflect, was found to be triggered by a relatively minor stimulus.
Some people become uncontrollably angry and may scream, shout, and harm themselves. Some may have crying fits. Others completely shut down.
Meltdowns differ from temper tantrums, which are driven by a desire to achieve a particular outcome—for instance, someone might have a temper tantrum because they’re not getting their way and hope, by getting angry, that the other person might change their mind. Meltdowns, on the other hand, do not occur with a specific motivation or goal in mind; they just happen.

don't worry about the ableism, just smile

It's Disablism, not ableism but I do agree with your point.

‘Ableism’ is fine.

www.scope.org.uk/about-us/disablism/

Disablism
Disablism is discrimination or prejudice against disabled people.

“An organisation has a problem with disablism”.

“A disablist attitude”.

Ableism
Ableism is discrimination in favour of non-disabled people.

“An organisation has a problem with ableism”.

“An ableist attitude”.

That there shows that ableism is in favour of disabled people. Which is not what you mean to say.

Disablism is against disabled people.

So Disablism is the correct term.

It says

“Ableism is discrimination in favour of non-disabled people”

In the link, it also says

Different people prefer to use one or other term. Or it might depend on which aspect of discrimination you want to emphasise

Neither is considered wrong and they can be used interchangeably

Another thread has just popped up about a woman on holiday with her disabled DS and him being stared and laughed at by French people. I don’t think it’s xenophobia to share experiences of being the butt of another culture’s joke.

Similar thread is currently active www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4619278-people-laughing-at-my-disabled-son
about French and German guests mocking a disabled boy.

@Aiionwatha yes it’s awful that happening to that poor boy.

Bowever according to some on this thread he shouldn’t worry because in their culture it’s not rude

OP I have posted about a similar issue and we are on holiday with our ds who has physical and mental disabilities.

It's very hard when people don't understand or are just ignorant and rude. I hope you can enjoy your holiday, we feel so disappointed in the guests at our hotel.