Crying over French attitude to my autistic son

[Luckyloubytwo]

We are in France at the moment and having a mostly wonderful time. DS 9 has asd but is usually fairly easy going, quiet, and you wouldn't notice he was different to other children.

However, yesterday and today he has had a huge meltdown in public. When this happens in the UK it is difficult but people generally are understanding and mimd their own business. However, here it seems to bring the whole town to a standstill. People will just stop in their tracks and stare. Today we were in a busy area and it seemed to bring everyone to a halt. We all got very upset back at the car and I just can't stop crying.

I am just feeling so upset at the attitude of the French people towards our son.

Never said it was.
But not everyone is an expert on everything.

My daughter has Tourette’s and we have experienced staring - and pointing, whispering, laughing while on holiday in France. We’ve been on holiday in several places and never experienced it so blatant. Yes, people stare, but if you catch their eye they normally look away, or shut up/stop pointing, etc.

It upset DD massively. She’s used to staring, nasty/stupid comments and people laughing up to a point, and doesn’t mind people laughing with her, but this was horrible. It wasn’t just the odd person, we experienced it in a number of places - restaurants, shops, days out. One evening she had a tic attack in a restaurant so I took her outside to calm down and a few people actually followed us outside and stood around staring and whispering. One came over to tell my daughter off for swearing and hitting me. It becomes a bit of a vicious circle - people stare/comment/whatever, the more DD is conscious of it and makes her anxious, which makes the tics worse until she has a tic attack

I explained about a million times that DD has Tourette’s, her tics are involuntary and she can’t help it, but mostly just got vague shrugs in return. My boss is French and she translated me some little cards to hand out to people explaining what Tourette’s was.

It was so intimidating and made DD feel like a complete freak so we stopped going out and just hung around our villa in the end.

Well that makes it okay then 🙄

@alloalloallo That's so horrible to read. I think all these people posting about how staring is fine because it's just a cultural difference maybe don't know what it's like to be stared at by multiple people while going through a difficult situation you can't control. And they followed you out when you removed yourself from the situation! No wonder your poor daughter became more anxious. That kind of behaviour (the people who followed you to stare) shows such a lack of empathy.

I didn’t say it made it ok.
Saying “fire burns people because it’s hot” doesn’t make a burn ok. It’s just a fact.
Stop looking to be offended.

not looking to be offended, just fed up of ableism being excused

We have always found the UK to be incredibly inclusive compared to many other countries. In terms of SEN.

Saying that parents giving a firm telling off will stop an autistic child having a full on meltdown is like saying parents telling a profoundly deaf child to listen more carefully will stop them being unable to hear.

It's ludicrous and offensive.

Do you get this information from an international survey, or have you lived in many countries and this is the sense you have got from talking to people there?

This really isn’t a discussion of average children's behaviour in different countries, it’s about attitudes to disability.

The latter.
And yes it may explain why people were staring. Not that that helps the OP at all.

How fucking dare you say that. I wasn't talking about Autism. I was talking about the difference in French culture which may have explained why that happened to the OP. You need to calm down, your come across as vile.

Problem??????

No I didn't say the OP needed to change her attitude. I tried to explain the culture behind it (whether it perceived as right or wrong) so that she would possibly feel less upset. 'Disgraceful and draconian'? WOW.

I wouldn't waste your breath on this one. Apparently the fact that I objected to nasty generalisations about all French people on the basis of one woman's actions meant I was sticking up for someone who abused a disabled child. Not quite sure how they got that, but hey!

No I didn't say the OP needed to change her attitude. I tried to explain the culture behind it (whether it perceived as right or wrong) so that she would possibly feel less upset. do you think black people visiting South Africa during apartheid felt less upset if subjected to racism knowing the attitudes of the locals? In some ways it’s infinitely worse knowing this is normal for families with children displaying these behaviours in France. How hard it must be to endure everywhere, in your own country.

Jourdain11 (sorry I don't know how to highlight but hope you read it!)
I have read your previous posts and agree with everything you say. Some of the opinions on here are awful in their nastiness and unwillingness to even attempt to understand a little of another culture. Which of course doesn't make something right or wrong, just different.
I think you are right, nothing more to add here, just that I stand by everything I say.

I do believe you thought it was ok to make generalisations about British people though including the old chestnut that wokeness is ruining things?

Oops that was meant for @LINABE

Which of course doesn't make something right or wrong, just different.
you can be different culturally AND wrong. A culture that gawps at the disabled passing comment on their lack of ability to conform is very wrong in this instance. They may be lovely in other ways but that’s not lovely it’s horrible.

"A culture that gawps at the disabled (...) but that’s not lovely it’s horrible"

It's not horrible, because staring is acceptable there.

And bull fighting is acceptable in Spain but it doesn’t mean it’s not objectively horrible.

Staring and giving the stink eye to disabled people is never OK. “I don’t mind being stared at in France because it’s ok there but anywhere else then I’m offended” - said no disabled person, ever.

It's not horrible, because staring is acceptable there. not to OP and not to me and not to any of the other disabled people who are getting an extra dose of staring. In lots of countries it’s acceptable to beat your wife….not acceptable.

Christ this is getting us nowhere is it?!

OP - I am truly sorry you have had a bad experience (I still believe you could have had it anywhere - UK or abroad) but that is not to diminish your suffering ad I hope you have enjoyed the rest of your holiday.

Others - this is not a race to the bottom or a comparison - the UK do shit things (literally given sewerage stuff going on) - the French can be fucking annoying and dismissive of "difference"

There is no right or wrong way to raise your own children - society is by and large 90% supportive wherever you live - there are dicks everywhere.

Let's find some common ground - and celebrate what we all want in the end - happy, healthy kids in a society that supports them (however that happens)

I will not be moving to Harrogate mind!

Depends on situation. If ds was behaving in an antisocial manner which disturbed and offended other people then YABU