Crying over French attitude to my autistic son

[Luckyloubytwo]

We are in France at the moment and having a mostly wonderful time. DS 9 has asd but is usually fairly easy going, quiet, and you wouldn't notice he was different to other children.

However, yesterday and today he has had a huge meltdown in public. When this happens in the UK it is difficult but people generally are understanding and mimd their own business. However, here it seems to bring the whole town to a standstill. People will just stop in their tracks and stare. Today we were in a busy area and it seemed to bring everyone to a halt. We all got very upset back at the car and I just can't stop crying.

I am just feeling so upset at the attitude of the French people towards our son.

I'm lucky...

Wasn't there a UNICEF report from a few years back that had the UK second to last among developed countries for children's well-being?

In last place was the US (ie, not France).

I lived and worked in France for a year and people openly staring was the one thing I found really difficult to deal with! It was a huge culture shock to me. I noticed it mostly on public transport. For example if I was sat opposite someone on a bus they would openly stare at me for the whole journey! Whereas in Britain usually someone will glance over and then look away again. I never really got used to it to be honest 🤣

Some crazy responses on this thread - the half a class one, just be clearer, and the first one lacking empathy

op hope things are feeling better today

Anyone dealing with that anywhere is amazing. Let them stare, all they are doing is highlighting their ignorance. You can move on happy in the knowledge that you're not ignorant. Well done OP, it can't have been easy but don't let ignorant people make you cry. They will not give it a second thought once all over so neither should you. Easier said than done I know but be proud of yourself in the knowledge that you are doing the best you can.

My mum was a primary teacher. She was involved for many years with an exchange with a French primary school near Bordeaux, and she usually stayed with a teacher when she went over. Something I remember her telling me is that when she brought up the subject of children with learning difficulties or what would now be recognised as neuro divergence, the French teacher looked very sad and said ‘in my country, I think we are not very kind to those who are different’.

it’s still the case. DH and I both work in secondary schools here in France. In 15 years he’s had 1 autistic student in his ‘normal’ school, and that because the parents fought tooth and nail to get him in there rather than a special school. It backfired unfortunately as the French teachers often refused to accommodate his needs, or they were just unable to. The whole approach is ‘I teach my subject as planned, it’s up to the students to keep up and if they can’t then they need to work harder or parents need to find help elsewhere’. I have a friend here who works with autistic children and their families, trying to help them stay in mainstream education, and some of her stories about how the teachers treat the kids is heartbreaking. A lot of behaviour like meltdowns, refusal to work, etc is seen as naughtiness.

It’s changing gradually with a new generation of more empathic young teachers and better training, thanks in part to the funding mentioned above. But attitudes take a long time to change, especially in such a conservative culture.

Empathy overload from this poster...

Yes but many autistic children (and adults) can't do that.

Omg I would've slapped her! What did you say/do?

Hang on, you're defending a woman telling off a child with a learning disability? Wow

😲 Fellow Yorkshire lass in shock here after reading that! Wow! We chat to everyone here in Harrogate!

@ThePumpkinPatch i am born and bred Harrogate too! Don’t live there any more though, but it’s my favourite place in the world.

@LINABE How dare you???? This little lecture about how lessons can be learnt regarding disciplining children is incredibly Ableist! Autism is not bad behaviour! You know very well what you were implying

There are some autistics who are so well supported, parented and loved they can appear just to be like a neurotypical child who is overtired or over indulged. These autistics are often experiencing colossal levels of stress and working extraordinarily hard (think mother of the bride presented with an unexpected extra 20 guests, or your car stuffed with toddlers being stuck on the hard shoulder of a busy motorway in 35 degree heat). For the majority functioning and “passing” to this level isn’t even an option. OP probably deals with this regularly. Her life will be so very different than the norm. She says this makes it harder. She says it made a her cry on an otherwise happy holiday. Others (including myself) have said we have experienced this too.

Love people defending horrible ableist attitudes like being cruel to a disabled child is somehow not as bad a criticizing a country (not even a struggling country, a Rich white western one) over one particular element of their culture maybe leaving a little to be desired

mn at its finest. I don’t know why anyone on here bothers living in the uk when apparently everywhere else is just so much better 🙄

Agree, it’s disgraceful and draconian to think an attitude change can fix people with disabilities

How and where did I defend the woman? I don't believe I did so, in this post or anywhere else. If you're so desperate to be offended, I don't think it would matter what I said.

Also, OP's son is autistic. She doesn't say that he has a learning disability. He may, or he may not, but autism itself is not a learning disability.

Sure you have.

PIP is for over 16s, so it's a little surprising mums with children with needs such as this told you to apply for a benefit they won't have any experience of.

A diagnosis does not secure benefits - they are needs-based and the evidence thresholds high.

It's incredibly hard to get a GP referral for an autism diagnosis and requires a lot of additional evidence. And then the wait takes years.

Any school whose intake means that half the kids have autism diagnoses is, by definition, a specialist school.

There's nothing 'wrong' with my children. They are autistic, not 'wrong'. Set against you, I know which individuals I'd regard as having a greater level of both intelligence and integrity.

Apologies @drbuzzaro ; the quotation cut off the individual insisting that mums tell her to get her child diagnosed so she can get PIP, but she won't because there's nothing wrong with her. I agree with your reaction!

I've mostly come to terms with people staring during my children's autistic meltdowns but today my eldest's meltdown in public presented in such an unusual way (well, if you weren't used to it like I am) coupled with people trying not to look (which tbf is kinder than staring) and the whole stress of it, I just started sobbing.

It's not nice when people stare but I think if you haven't encountered it much before it looks quite scary (or if they're very young just looks like a toddler tantrum).

Oh wow what are the chances?! You're not missing many changes to be honest. The Council have built themselves a luxurious new HQ for multiple millions whilst reducing bin collections as per but Betty's is still baking and the Christmas markets have returned better than ever, so all is well! 😉 🧁🎄

British children are considered by many countries to be very loud, arrogant, entitled and badly behaved.

I’m guessing that the French people you saw assumed your child was just one more example.

@Thereisnolight fucking hell I think your post just confirms what the OP was thinking. Are you supposed to be espousing how great France is or making it sound like a backward ableist backwater?

Neither.
its likely they didn’t realise he was autistic.

@Thereisnolight that just shows a massive lack of awareness of neurodiversity IMO. Which isn’t something to be proud of