Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

@mountainsunsets you don’t sound like a doormat. You sound like someone who understands the limits of children and doesn’t set out to make their lives more difficult in order to gain some kind of weird upper hand.

@HotDogKetchup

are you joking?!

crying cos he wants to leave when his mum
hasnt Finished her food

lying on the floor in protest like a toddler

mhm mum mum I want to go home

this child is nearly 11 it’s terribly behaviour for a kid his age. I’d have been so embarrassed if he was mine behaving like that

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree there.

OP is the adult - she's in charge. The day she planned ended up with a bored, upset child and an upset adult. The 10yo isn't in charge of what he does - his mum is. She's the only one who can realistically make any changes.

That could be implementing consequences next time, banning YouTube, or changing the plan for the day so it's a more even mix between errands and fun/play/exercise for the kids.

The 10yo can only go along with he's told to do.

It’s not. It was in response to another poster, not the OP.

There are some important life skills to learn:

1. To be bored
2. To do things you don't want to do
3. To be able to deal without having something forever in your gob, be it food or drink (I still struggle with this one, lol.)

Sounds stressful and if no special needs or emotional issues with you his dad family etc yeah he should behave himself and I totally understand how embarrassing and judged you felt. However kids are sometimes stupid little shites and don't think. Sit him down quietly and calmly and go through what he did step by step why he did it what effect it had and why he shouldn't have done it and why you feel so upset by it and instead of him getting what he wants (you never taking him in and boring shops ever again) he gets no Youtube or Internet for a few days or whatever and will have to find something else to occupy his time once he realises his behaviour has consequences and he can't just act like a spoilt beat in public then he can have them back.

Who are all the haters on here? So many awful judgy people, possibly men?

What do we think?

meh... I had to rush around the M&S sales today because my 37 year old HUSBAND was bored and wanted to get back home and I only needed 1 thing, never mind a 10 year old boy.

Of course they dont want to look through pink tops, summer dresses and bras for 30 minutes the exact same way I dont want to be forced to sit and watch them play Fifa for 30 minutes.

Also 30 minutes browsing sale items is not an errand (which means 'to take a journey to deliver or collect something for someone') what it is is an excusion (which means 'a short deviated trip taken as a leasure activity').

I'm not sure "we" think anything at all . Can't you think for yourself?

My first thought was he was hungry. And very bored.
What was the lad doing during the mystery exercise.

I would like to know the timings:
time? depart home
time? finish mystery exercise
time? start cafe stop
time? finish cafe time
time? start browsing shops
time? strop on floor
time? arrive home

I hate dawdling in shops so I suppose I'm with lad in finding that tedious.

@mountainsunsets

omg op has already said she has done loads of child led activities over the hols

today he has had to fit in with what op needed to do. Kids have to do this sometimes. And he got to have a nice lunch out as well! The day has really not been such a hardship for him
as some on here are making out

are you some kind of Martr who doesn’t do anything for herself? It always has to be about the children first and foremost?

I have an 11 year old boy, who used to be a ten year old boy. Plus three other children. They’re not another breed that simply can’t conceptualise the idea of sometimes doing things for other people.

His behaviour in M&S cafe would not be appropriate anywhere for a kid his age.

he isn’t a toddler, who needs a “child friendly” place to eat. He’s nearly 11. He doesn’t need “fun” while eating either. Not sure why McDonalds would be more “un” anyway.

it was M&S, not the Ritz. Only basic manners are expected there.

The only "job" this will do is create yet another self absorbed, selfish man-child who believes boring stuff is beneath him and he doesn't have to do all the adulting stuff because it's a woman's job to do it. As adults, our job isn't to pander to them and let them away with behaviour like this so they avoid participating in standard family life - our job is to raise functioning adults.

I hated being traisped around the shops while mum checked out the sales. The only reason we didnt act up is because we lived in fear of the consequences (1970s parenting). I am still not a shopper to this day and if I had to go I wouldnt drag anyone along who didnt want to be there. Dh wouldnt drag me along when he is doing a/the shop either. Being able to hang about in a shop, bored stiff, that you are not interested in and dont need to be there is not a life skill anyone needs to learn.

So selfish and self indulgent of you to exercise when you have your kids op

you should have sacked it off and done something for your son instead

you’re a mother now! He didn’t ask to be born!

your kids should come before you and your exercise

the poor boy, his behaviour was very good and retrained considering.

urgh! This is genuinely how some people on mumsnet think!

It doesn’t matter if it was a long and boring day for him, his behaviour was bang out of order. Boring days are a fact of life too, and DS sounds like he needs to understand he has to sometimes comply and not get what he wants.

YouTube would be gone for the foreseeable and it is only coming back when he has earned it. It would come with restrictions too. Just allowing a kid to be on YouTube or gaming without any time limits is asking for trouble.

Jesus, there's some terrible parenting advice on here, OP. You are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable. Children have to learn that life is a process of give and take, that it can't always be about them. No wonder there are so many self-absorbed adults these days, if this is how they were brought up, always their needs before anyone else's.

OP I have two boys the same age as yours.
Sometimes they act like 4 year olds. I’m not kidding. Some days are very very hard.
I took them to a large playground a few weeks ago. They wanted to go in the sandpit as there was a metal sit on digger in there. They are a bit big but there were only a couple of other kids in there so ok.
OMG they acted like 2 year olds in there, fighting, crying over one thing or another, pulling the other one off the digger, deliberately kicking sand in the hole one had made. They wouldn’t come out when repeatedly asked and so I had to physically go in and grab their hand and pull them out. They caused such an embarrassing scene - all the other 3/4 year old kids were staring open mouthed and their parents too.
They had time out under separate trees whilst I had a stern talking to each but my god, it’s hard sometimes.
Your child just sounds like he’s being a bit of a brat. Just more boundaries and consequences needed which you stick to.

I guess it depends on what he did while the OP was doing the forty to sixty minutes of exercise.

10 year olds aren’t Labrador puppies, only able to act on instinct without any control of their own behaviour and awareness of appropriate behaviour in the circumstances.

I did my 11+, I spent one day at the weekend revising for the exam for a few months in a row. It didn’t cross my mind to object or insist it was broken up with trips to Pizza Hut etc I would’ve been laughed out of the place.

omg op has already said she has done loads of child led activities over the hols

I know she has, but that doesn't make today any less boring. I mean, if I've had a great weekend, that doesn't make my shit day at work any less shit.

today he has had to fit in with what op needed to do. Kids have to do this sometimes. And he got to have a nice lunch out as well! The day has really not been such a hardship for him as some on here are making out

I agree children have to fit in with their parents' plans sometimes, and I've also said numerous times that his behaviour was unacceptable. But I do think it was a dull day for a 10yo boy and that planning a day like that with no respite for the kids is setting everyone up for failure. Lunch at M&S is not exactly a nice treat for most 10yo boys, either.

are you some kind of Martr who doesn’t do anything for herself? It always has to be about the children first and foremost?

Not at all, but I also don't expect children to be happy to spend a day doing solely adult-centric activities without complaining. Everyone would have been much happier if they day had been broken up a bit differently IMO.

Totally agree with this

eating out was a rare treat when I was a kid, it was a big deal

It's scary how many people on here seem to think this is normal and ok behaviour and is somehow the ops fault! No wonder their are so many badly behaved brats around theses days.

A 10 year old absolutely should be able to behave in a cafe and hang around for a few minutes whilst his mum looks around the sale racks. Going to M&S may not be a treat but he should at the very least know how to behave. I'm afraid I would have absolutely no tolerance for this type of behaviour.

Learning how to behave when bored is an essential life skill. And learning that he is not the centre of the universe and sometimes he is going to have to do things that he doesn't want to do or doesn't enjoy is part of life.

As a child we would have been punished if we had behaved in such a manner.

planning a day like that with no respite for the kids is setting everyone up for failure. Lunch at M&S is not exactly a nice treat for most 10yo boys, either.

It should be. Kids now are way too spoiled and expect everything to be an ‘activity’ centred on them. Good for OP.

No, but a 10yo out with his mum on a day full of errands also can't do much to alleviate his boredom.

As I've said hundreds of times I agree that his behaviour is unacceptable but nobody won today, except maybe the 6yo. The 10yo was bored and fed up and OP was upset.

So in future, why not try something different? Wasn't it Einstein who said that stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

That something different doesn't have to be "trips to Pizza Hut" but it's obvious something has to change or there'll be lots of miserable days out ahead!