Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

Obviously it's not acceptable behaviour. But it's not off-the-scale awful for that age (assuming this is a bad day, rather than standard every-day behaviour). If it's out of character then I'd probably have a quiet chat before bed and ask him how he feels about it. My 11yo can be hideous (especially with an audience 🙄) but once he's unwound at home he's usually pretty contrite.

The child been on holiday for weeks now. I doubt every day has played out like this one?
And as for eating at McDonalds being part and parcel of being a parent - words fail me. What utter bollocks...

No this was an unusual day. Many other days we have done child focused activities and visits to local places. Or they've played with friends. It was a rare day where it was more about my schedule. Yeah I think a trip to eat McDonald's after an hrs extecise may have made me vomit 🤢

Why make a ridiculous comparison like that, though? I'm sure a tantrumming 2 year old could also have been worse to deal with, but it's equally irrelevant.

Nothing in the OP's post suggested that this is what she does every single day. It was one day and the son was bored. His boredom was not an excuse for awful behaviour.
I too am amazed at how many posters seem to think that a child being bored means they are entitled to act up.

I think that’s your bargaining chip for next time. We’re x minutes in this shop, that gives you x minutes screen time. Moaning takes minutes off starting in.. and count down from 3.
If playing up continues you just say calmly I told you this would happen. You chose your behaviour. And cut the Internet.
Don’t divert. Repeat what you’ve said. Repeat again. Refuse to engage.

I've said repeatedly that his behaviour is unacceptable.

But I DO think all days should be a bit of a compromise between adult and child time, otherwise you're setting yourself up for bored, whiny children who then play up and act silly.

That doesn't mean it has to be a 50/50 split, but including something for the DC in the middle of all the boring errands would have made a huge difference IMO.

Obviously having a full blown tantrum like a toddler is a bit much at his age and NT, but I feel his pain a bit at the shopping to be honest.

Both my Mum and my Grandmother treated 'mooching' around the shops as a hobby when I was a kid and there is honestly nothing in the world more boring for a child.

Running an essential errand or doing a food shop was different, at the same type of age I knew that was a necessary trip to be tolerated. It was the aimlessly wandering without anything particular in mind to buy that did me in. I very likely also used to play up in a desperate attempt to be taken home where I could at least amuse myself.

On the upside I've grown into an adult that cannot abide shopping as a leisure activity, which is a marvellous money-saver.

Watching his football for 3 hrs a week not always that thrilling!

I bet you have other parents to chat to, and your phone to look at, during that time. Did your son have anything to do?

Plus - it’s your choice whether to stay and watch, or not. You do it because you are a parent and that’s part of it. He hadn’t got the option and he isn’t your parent.

I’m not saying kids shouldn’t have to go on errands, of course they should, but if he had no entertainment with him at all, then that day is a massive ask IMO.

@mountainsunsets you sound like a doormat.

I never said she did do it everyday, nor have I said it was an excuse for poor behaviour.

But I DO think planning a day full of errands is setting everyone up to fail. The kids ended up bored and whiny, OP ended up stressed and in tears - it's hardly been a win for anyone.

What did he do while you were doing the exercise?

What did the kids do for those 40 minutes?

And lunch in M&S cafe is not a 10 year olds idea of fun.

Does sound like you expected him to just follow you round for half the day. No wonder he was bored.

Many other days we have done child focused activities and visits to local places. Or they've played with friends
Of course they have. Ignore the numpties haranguing you for not putting them front and centre for every last second of their lives.

My kids act up so much if they watch too much bloody YouTube. I swear something about it just messes with them a bit. We only have YouTube on Fridays and Saturday mornings now and it has massively help with the shitty YouTube hangover behaviour.

A doormat for thinking that a day full of errands sounds dull as ditchwater, and for thinking it's nice to plan something for the children at the same time?

I'm quite happy to be called a doormat if that's your definition, tbh 😂

You didn't have to go McDonald's 😂it was just an example.

But I'm sure there were other, more child-friendly/fun places to eat that weren't McDonald's or the café at M&S.

I know it was a one-off but I'm still not entirely surprised they found it dull.

It’s not really a ‘full day of errands.’ It was an exercise session, followed by family lunch out at a cafe, then a look in shops, after which he knew he would be going to play football as his mum had previously promised. He was hardly cutting the grass with nail scissors.

We took kidstube off the kids tablets because of behaviour. The change was instant, they moaned for a while but then got over it, they got their tablets but cos it was only games or films they didnt want it as much. We went on hols and I allowed again when there for a week and they started acting up again! Its now been uninstalled!

Well, yes! At 10 he should be able to tolerate going round a few shops then for lunch at a cafe without crying. It’s very, very good for kids to learn that in life we don’t always get to ‘negotiate’, we just have to do things we don’t want to occasionally and that’s that 🤷🏼‍♀️ anyway, shops and a cafe is hardly making him swim in a freezing lake in the rain or something. The cafe was a treat when I was a kid and I’m only 30s.

I agree with others on the elctronic detox. My 10 year old punched and broke his PC monitor in a fit of rage as the game wasn't going his way. We are 3 weeks into no electronics at all (including you tube and phone) and I have had my lovely , considerate son back since middle of week one. The difference is staggering we have built a raised bed and he is busy planning what he will grow in it. He is also being so much nicer to his siblings. Once he gets the electronics back his screen time will be minimal and strictly enforced which he is aware of.

I'm in my thirties too. I can't say I would have found the M&S café a treat at age 10 though

I've also said, repeatedly, that his behaviour is unacceptable. Yes, he needs to get used to boring activities and yes, he shouldn't be crying and tantrumming, but nobody won here. The kids were bored and OP ended up stressed and upset over it, so clearly something needs to change 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes and it ain’t the OP.

Being bored is something we all have to deal with and by 10 he should be able to cope particularly as it included lunch and going to the park on the way home.

It sounds like he wanted to get back to YouTube and was irritated and playing up because he saw you as keeping him away from it. Does he spend lots of time on it? We have a similar issue with my son and his PlayStation and we have to reserve it for treats after weekends of good behaviour otherwise he can be a brat

But to a 10yo boy, it is a day full of errands. They're not going to see it the way we see it.

From his point of view, it was an exercise session (for mum), shopping (for mum), lunch (at somewhere convenient for mum) and browsing the sales (for mum) before playing football.

Whereas OP sees it as a fun exercise session, a quick trip to the shops, a nice treat for lunch and a quick look in the sales before a trip to the park.