Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

It was a 40 minute session. There's no need for me to go into details.

Ah. So first the children sat around for 40 minutes waiting for you (and maybe 10 min either side while you changed?) then lunch then clothes shopping at M&S.

Come on, the 10 year old's behaviour wasn't good, but this is an incredibly boring for a 10 year old boy.

Just to answer the bit about the younger child.

6yo's are generally happy to go wherever mum and dad are going. They still find M&S cafés and trips around the shops fun if mum/dad are there as well. I have some great memories of going to the café at Sainsburys' at that age, for example, but at 10 I'd not have been interested and would have rather gone to Pizza Hut or something.

10yo's require different entertainment and activities compared to a 6yo.

So by making sure he gets his way and mum doesn’t get to do the things she needed/wanted to do. Which I think is a very poor way of managing a child’s behaviour.

Did he have anything with him to keep him occupied? A book, screen or anything?

If he didn’t I can completely understand the kicking off tbh. Frankly I’d kick off if I was expected to sit through someone else’s exercise class for 40 minutes and then hang around yet further while they did some shopping, when I had nothing at all with me to do. It’s reasonable to expect kids to entertain themselves at home, where they have stuff to do, but not out of thin air in a gym or shop. Not for that length of time.

If you had brought suitable things to keep him occupied then this changes things.

Sorry for any posters that invalidated how you felt OP.

Nah, you must have met one of my exes ten years before I knew him.

He literally stamped his foot and demanded to go home now in Sainsbury's once because I'd said there wasn't enough money to buy a magazine he wanted as well as potatoes. Later report to his mother (as in a 'what the fuck just happened? Is he ill?') resulted in an 'Oh, he's always done that since he was little, I could never sit and have a cup of tea in McDonald's either, because as soon as he'd finished, he'd want to go'.

Ex for many, many reasons. All of which stem from him always getting his own way.

But you chose to have children and to take on all the work involved!

It's not his job to "return the favour". It's your job as a parent to make sure your day is appropriate for your DC - IMO that involves doing something child-centric, or at least getting them involved in the plans for the day, and maybe offering them a trip to the park or McDonald's if everything else is going to be about the parent

Having a child is about bringing them up so that they are prepared for the adult world. It is not a parent's job to make sure that every day is 'child-centric.'

Children should not be the pivotal point of a household, as many seem to be.

‘Gets his way’ is a weird way to look at it. It’s working with what he can cope with. That to me seems a better idea than allowing him to tantrum on the floor then punishing him hours later.

Tough if he found it boring and was sick of it. That's life and he is old enough to start learning that.

Yes, "that's life" but you can't then be surprised that the 10yo is bored shitless after a day being dragged round town doing errands. No, his behaviour isn't great but I don't understand parents setting their kids up to fail like this.

Why on earth would mum want to eat at McDonalds or Pizza Hut? That, I am sure, would be the child's choice but, again, why do they get their crap food and why do so many children today want to eat crap food?

And equally, why would a 10yo want to be dragged to mums' exercise class and around the sales?

Mum got her way - she got to go to her exercise class and go around the shops she wanted to go to, so it would only be fair to do something for her children too. So if that means Pizza Hut or McDonald's or somewhere child-friendly, well, that's part and parcel of being a parent IMO.

My god, reading so many responses from people on this thread and others recently has been eye opening. The number of parents prepared to excuse bad behaviour...no wonder so many children grow up into awful adults.

Op - yanbu. Your son is more than capable of behaving and no way should you stand it. He should be able to behave well without any form of bribery (the football pitch for example). Hope you're feeling better soon

He’s maybe overstimulated with being online and on screens so much. Really hard to cope in the real world after that. Hope you’re feeling better

Come on, the 10 year old's behaviour wasn't good, but this is an incredibly boring for a 10 year old boy.

Watching his football for 3 hrs a week not always that thrilling!

My god there are so fucking low standards of expectation and behaviour here.

I’d expect my 8 year old to do this with no fuss, let alone a 10 year old. I think YANBU OP, but I do think YABU not to have stricter consequences.

And no adult would spend their day being dragged around the shops on errands for someone else if they could help it

Part of being a parent is having to compromise. OP chose to have children, so that means part of her day is going to involve doing something that makes them happy, not doing everything she wants to do and nothing they want to do.

This

OP stop YouTube it is entirely unsafe for unrestricted access to children

and him constantly plugging himself in for instant action and entertainment clearly isn’t working

get rid of screen for a bit

let him get bored and find other ways to entertain himself

also- taking kids for a quick look at the sales on a warm day is asking for grief if not quite the level of pain in the arse you got but honestly- the sales are better left IMHO. However his behaviour at lunch was poor.

Again, you chose to have children!

A 10 year old doesn’t ‘require’ regular entertainment or child -suitable activities. Not every day needs to be a compromise between adult/ child time.

They should be more than able to control their behaviour despite feeling angry/ bored/ anxious/ whatever.
experiencing emotions is absolutely fine, for example feeling very bored and disappointed that mum chose a boring cafe over Pizza Hut. Complaining about it is not fine but not unacceptable either. Acting out and behaving like a 3 year old because of those emotions at this age is not ok, there is no excuse.

that’s how you raise functioning adults who can also control their behaviour despite feeling unhappy.

The child been on holiday for weeks now. I doubt every day has played out like this one?
And as for eating at McDonalds being part and parcel of being a parent - words fail me. What utter bollocks...

Honestly have a neurodivergent teen and can you assure you it’s MUCH worse.

I'm sorry but I have 3 aged 4, 6 and 10. Not a single one of them would have behaved like that and my youngest can be incredibly difficult at times! If its a boring day, I let them know first thing 'sorry guys we need to do x, y and z (boring adult things) however if you behave and let me get on you can have a b or c (treat, maccy ds, park trip)'

I might get a 'how much longer' or an 'I'm bored' now and again but a swift mum look at them and a 'when I'm finished' response usually nips it in the bud.

You need to be firmer with consequences, and what hits hardest with kids is screens. Remove them, deal with the whining and they quickly learn to get things they enjoy, they have to put up with the boredom. I'm no perfect parent but it was pretty simple logic in my mind.

Was he still hungry? A kids meal in M&S would barely touch the sides when mine was that age.

Crying isn’t normal for a nearly 11 year old because they’ve had to go to a shop. Food in a cafe was a ‘treat’ when I was a kid! What’s wrong with them all these days?? They all sound so spoiled and entitled. Take away the screens for a few days, you don’t need to say why, you’re the parent and that’s that. You don’t need to negotiate with him about anything.

It isn't a neurodiverergent teen though! Its a neurotypical 10 year old. So the behaviour is absolutely awful.

You skipped out the rest of the sentence in your haste I didn't say McDonald's was part and parcel of being a parent, said "If that means Pizza Hut or McDonald's OR SOMEWHERE CHILD-FRIENDLY, then so be it".

My parents wouldn't have dreamed of taking me to McDonald's, but they would have picked somewhere a bit more interesting than the café at M&S if the rest of the day had been spent running errands. Probably somewhere like a tea room so I could have had scones or some cake, or the café in the park so I could have played or had an ice-cream or something.

You absolutely don’t have to make your children happy on a daily basis. That’s not parenting.